Are you in a conflicted relationship?– By: BK. T.D Joseph
Article by: BK. T. D. Joseph, Bangalore, India tdjaum(AT)gmail.com – If you have questions or remarks about this article, please contact the author.
Can you be happy despite some conflicted relationships you may have been caught in? If you understand the nature of people and the nature of time we live in, you will form an answer yourself.
People generally act or react under the weight of many factors such as sanskar, environment, time, current values, experiences … etc. Hence they are like those six famous blind men who tried to describe the elephant. All six of them were correct in their own way—they were describing according to their experience. Hence some kind of conflict is inevitable.
Another factor is that, in general, people’s immediate concern is their own convenience, rather than truth. Without knowing this, we may try to assert truth and get into trouble with people. This can be illustrated with a story. A rich man had a daughter who was very ugly-looking, hence was finding it difficult to get her married. In desperation, he had her married to a blind man. And they were leading a happy married life. Years passed. One day, rich man had a visitor who was his childhood friend. When he saw the rich man’s son-in-law, he suggested that there is a capable doctor in his city who can cure this type of blindness. Rich man became sad within, and began to resist the idea. If you were his friend, you would assert your point with more and more force and will end up in troubled relationship with the rich man. For you do not know that the reason behind his refusal is his convenience—he is afraid of the possibility that once cured of his blindness, his son-in-law may abandon his wife. Who knows there is something like this hidden in those who oppose you?
Why are you bothered about a speck in other’s eyes when you have a plank in your own eyes? Jesus asked humorously. Behind the humor there is a fact which speaks of human nature in general: people are more inclined to see other’s mistake than theirs. This is the reason why when you make a mistake, you can find 101 excuses and not even one in the case of others. As others are aware of your mistakes, you lose your freeness of speech when you offer a suggestion/correction to them. They may resist, and you will assert; conflict ensues.
Relgious teachings too contribute. For example, the teachings such as God is omnipresent, or “I am THAT [God],” would make people think that sin originates from God; as a result, they would be less motivated to fight against it. So is the case with its contrasting teaching that Satan is responsible for our sins—this too does not make people responsible-minded. Hence people take things more and more casually, become more and more insensitive, engage in loose-conduct and act thoughtlessly towards others, all of which results in conflicted relationships.
All other species have a collective sanskar where as each human is carrying a unique sanskar, carried over from previous births. (Gita 3:33; Mathew 12:35) Hence every one would act or react differently; and there is no basis for expectation with regard to others’ behavioral pattern towards you. Like gasoline and fire that are bound to react destructively upon contact, differences in sanskar are bound to cause conflict in relationship. Jesus’s own family members who were in a better position than others to believe in him, did not do so. (John 7:5) Instead, they were trying to defame him saying: “He is out of his mind.” (Mark 3:21) Hindu epic Ramayana shows Rama, despite being an Avatar, was hated by Kaikeyi the last of King Dasaratha’s three wives and a queen of Ayodhya. She effectively conspired to get him go into exile moments before his coronation as King of Ayodhya so that her own son should become the king. “The righteous detest the dishonest; the wicked detest the upright,” declares the Bible (Proverbs 29:27) “The wicked plot against the righteous and gnash their teeth at them.” (Psalm 37:12) If one has a satvik sanskar (love of righteousness) and the other is tamasic (love of unrighteousness), conflict is unavoidable. If you are in such a conflicted relationship, how can you cope with that difficult situation?
First, look for their track-record, and find out whether they have the habit of learning from their mistakes and going forward. If not, do not try to reason with them! It is interesting to note that famous scriptures ask us to be detached observers (rather to solve), wishing them well in our heart and to “keep away” from them so that we may not learn to be like them and endanger ourselves. (Proverbs 22:24, 25) Words and actions are manifested thoughts. Hence no use reacting to the symptoms—their words and actions. At the root of their thought lies the lovelessness or a painful past, an aspect of themselves they don’t like, or they may have been seriously hurt by other people. They are simply addressing their pain in the wrong (unhealthy) way, having a conflict with you. Instead of resolving it, they are hiding it. If they get in your face, leave or just ignore them and continue doing what is good for you. (Gita 16:22) Their action is their Karma, and your response is your Karma. Hence it is not wise to respond to those who enjoy causing/having conflict with you, you become a party to their Karma.
Nature’s way is to let the people learn from experiences—primarily from others’ experiences [which are like an ocean around us], and those recorded in the scriptures and story/history books, and secondarily from own experiences. Confronting or correcting the contentious is not our job. “They will not be convinced even if someone rises from the dead,” declares Jesus. (Luke 16:31). “If one wants to see the truth, he can see it without any external help; if he does not want to see the truth, he cannot see it even with external help,” said Vidura to Dhritarashtra in Mahabharata Epic. Just like a child being afraid of the dark, some adults are afraid of the light. They make themselves unhappy—it is actually their choice, and their loss. Hence it is pointless to get affected by what they do to you. “Perfection means not getting affected by anything.” (Murli 1.11.1971) “Even if someone defames you, you must not become angry. Never try to reason with him.”—Murli 21.02.2013
Bhagavat Gita, the Hindu Scripture, stresses even-mindedness and sakshibhav (detached observance) throughout its chapters, and calls it as “supreme devotion.” (Gita 18:54) [Gita advocates non-violence (16:2), not a literal warfare, and identifies “sin” as our real enemy (2:69; 3:37, 39, 41, 43; 18:66)]. In literal war-field, even-mindedness or detached observance makes no sense; hence Gita must have been originated from omniscient Supreme Father, The Father of all fathers and Preceptor of all sages (Gita 14:1, 4; 7:10; 9:13, 17) who has put in place the impeccable Law of Causation (popularly known as Karma Principle) through which the righteous and the unrighteous would receive appropriate and proportionate rewards either in this birth or in the next. “The Supreme Lord” tells us what each one is going to inherit: “The Satvik (the wise and the pure) go upward; the Rajasic (the greedy and the passionate) stay in the middle; and the Tamasic (those hurting others) go downward.”— Gita 14:18.
We will not understand what this means unless the Real Sermonizer of Gita, Shiva Baba, the Supreme Soul, Himself reveals it. (Gita 10:23) His revelation, through His Murlies, shows that just like in a day of 24 hours, man passes through three states (wakeful, dreamy and deep-sleep), history too passes through similar states—first a period of soul-consciousness, then a period of declining consciousness, and finally its opposite (body-consciousness). History repeats itself every 5000 years (Gita 9:7, 21), of which the first half, figuratively called Day, or Heaven on earth, (made of 1250 years of GOLDEN age + 1250 years of SILVER age), is the period where the Satvik live in soul-consciousness, manifesting divine qualities. And the other half is called Night or Hell on earth (made of 1250 years of COPPER age + 1250 years of IRON age) where the Rajasic and the Tamasic, having fallen into body-consciousness, live manifesting opposite of divine qualities in declining order, resembling dreamy and deep-sleep states respectively.
Thus quality-wise we have four Ages—Golden, Silver, Copper, and Iron. The more the quality one develops, he goes “upward.” The lesser the quality, one goes to the “middle.” The emptier the quality, one goes “downward.” In simpler terms, there are three categories of people—the pure (those making themselves and others happy), the impure (those making themselves and others unhappy, and the mixed (those who neither help nor hurt others, but are concerned only about their own well-being with no regard for others).—Gita 14:17.
When the history passes through one Kalpa (cycle of 5000 years), the pure are born in the upper part of the cycle, the impure are born in the lower part; and the mixed are born in the middle. The higher the stage happier the people, and the lower the stage more miserable they will be. The greater the love towards God, the greater the co-operation from Him. (Gita 7:17; Murli 18/1/1970) This is perfect justice. God is not saving you, but your virtues do. He is not lowering your status, but your vices do. Each one is given according to the measure of qualities he has developped. “With the measure you use, it will be measured to you—and even more,” declares Jesus.—Mark 4:25.
Shiva Baba teaches that in the present period called Confluence Age [where the running Iron Age and incoming Golden Age confluence], with knowledge, meditation and simple Rajayoga, the soul has the power and understanding to perform the right actions, which is the foundation of the Golden Age that is to come very soon. He also presents the unique concept of “number-wise,” the principle of perfect justice—one receives in proportion to the degree of effort he has put in. His often-quoted statement is: LET THOSE WHO CAME LAST GO FAST. The story of Sudama who gave all he had—a handful of rice—has the significance that he surrendered “body, mind and wealth” [tan, man, dhan] to God in the Confluence Age and in return he received the inheritance of jivanmukti for 21 births; i.e., in the upper part of the Kalpa.
Shiva Baba asks us to be always joyful. This shows that omniscient Father knows that it is possible to be always joyful despite conflicted relationships which are very much part of present life, linking ourselves with Him, the ocean of peace. The glory of Shiva Baba is that though He is “minuter than the minutest” in size, He is the one who gives “brilliance to all bodies”—inanimate and animate and is “infinite in power.” (Gita 8:9; 11:19) Just as we, after removing rubber insulation, connect the copper wire to power source, remove the envelope of ego, and connect the soul to this infinite power source. This will compensate for any loss of joy caused by conflicted relationships we may have. “When you find the FATHER, you will have found everything, and you become the master of three worlds… You swing on the swing of supersensuous joy. You swing in God’s lap being lost in His love and remembrance” in contrast to the sorrow we experienced for last “63 births.”—Murli 20.11.1985
Therefore, the fact that we are having some conflicted relationships need not be a source of worry for us. Actually it is the other way around; we have to sympathize with them. It is like we have a delicious meal set before us whereas those who oppose us, like flies that go to trash, enjoy petty joys of selfishness. They never enjoy the real happiness that comes from making others happy. (Acts 20:35) Yet, we can copy the zeal they show in loving unrighteousness into our loving the righteousness. (Gita 3:25) Hence we need not ask why they behave with me like this—actually it should be their worry! Relatives and friends are actually one of the false sources of security—they come, remain for a while and disappear after some time. Hence in effect, their support or opposition makes no difference. Remember, today’s newspaper is tomorrow’s trash. Hence let it pass! At the same time, let us use their opposition or non-cooperation to our advantage. A ship’s sea-worthiness improves in adverse weather conditions. So is our worthiness when we are around difficult people.
I have seen BKs [Brahmakumaris and Kumars] who live their lives emitting divine qualities despite having opposing family members (especially life-partners) who are like live volcanoes, and difficult work environment. When I asked one of them how this is possible, his answer was really inspiring and golden: “Having a contrast always in front of me is a blessing as it reminds me, free of cost, what I should not be! Also it is their choice to make themselves unhappy, and it is their loss. And I am conscious of the time we live now—this is the fag end of the Iron Age where people, in general, will be Tamopradhan—devoid of any good qualities. Though the world may have many rulers, there are actually only three rulers in the world at this time—“Lust, Anger, and Greed”—which rule over both—the rulers and the ruled alike. (Gita 16:21) And I can see the Golden Age on horizon.”