Thank you for voicing your feelings!
It appears to me that you are beginning this path by the way you express yourself and for what you are experiencing. If that is so, let me tell you that it is “normal” what you are experiencing. 🙂
If you have been many years in Gyan and you are still experiencing the above, then there is something that needs to change and that change will only happen when you realize what it is.
Usually, and by the way you express yourself, it is something about ego… it is the same “ego” issue at the beginning of our BK career and at the end of it, just the subtlety varies…until is gone…
Life has different ways to allow us to diminish that “ego,” as a matter of fact; your own suffering now is a way to “burn” that heavy ego away.
We suffer because there is ego. Greater ego means a greater experience of suffering is needed when “working on it.”
Dear soul, stop working “so hard.” Stop trying. Just sit down, relax and see that everything is falling apart around you, but not “you”… unless you want to think that. So, just smile and let life take everything away from you.. 🙂 Become free from all of that known “success.”
If you resist the situation that you are living by opposing to it through thoughts like: “This shouldn’t be happening to me” or “I was very successful and now I am not. I need to do something about it” all what you are doing is prolonging the situation, for life will not change unless you are ready.
Accept what is happening, surrender that ego who wants to fight and let the magic begin. All you need to do is to let life burn that ego away. Keep your “code of conduct” with you if to reach your highest self in this life is what you would like to reach as a BK, “buckle up” and go for the ride without looking back.
Just FYI. I have been there, learned what I just shared after many years of “complaining,” and now I am glad not to be “in the loop of success for “normal” people” anymore. So, life gave me a T-shirt: “Proud to be a failure.”
Freedom from every known thing is invaluable… even from failure.