Question by reader: Daydreaming, jealousy and pleasure
“Let me share my today’s experience. I felt good for an event for which I should not feel good. I heard about a girl who Is going through rough patches in her married life. Around 2-3 years back there were talks about our marriage among our relatives but that did not happen. I was quite neutral about this outcome.
Now my question:
How to avoid this jealous feeling when I trying to experience the moment I m just feeling happy. I don’t mean that I want to feel sorry for her, but still it can’t be happiness because of her misery.
how to put strict ban on daydreaming. I am not able to do that cos it gives me pleasure.
Thanks in advance.”
Thank you for your question for the common good.
Happiness is a label. The feeling of happiness is not a label.
When we are referring to the label, there is an opposite: Suffering. That is duality.
When we live in the moment, happiness as a feeling “is” when “we” are not there. There is no duality. If “we are” there duality will be there as well.
Please read the above paragraph many times until it makes sense.
When “we are” there then the whole web of relationships based on “I” will come up such as: My wife, my pet, my country, etc.
There is an experience that someone is experiencing. Why that experience has to be “yours”?
It will be “yours” if there is an “I” in between. Add the “social conventions” that we have learned (feel bad or good in certain situations) and then you have a good motive to strengthen the livelihood of your ego.
Feel empathy if you would, but happiness is not dependent on external situations.
If the above does not make any sense, there is no problem. If you would like a method to understand the above, stop looking for there is none.
It just happens when you are ready.
Observation is needed to become ready.
The “I felt good for something that I shouldn’t” is unnecessary. Observe that “you” felt good when someone you knew was not doing well. That is all.
Now, do not put a label such as: “I am bad” or an emotion such as “I feel guilty.”
That stuff will take you away from observing what is.
You already found the emotion behind it: Jealousy.
That means that your self-worth was increased in your mind when the girl who apparently was going to be your wife in an arranged marriage, had a rough time in her marriage with another.
Perhaps you think that you are neutral about this, but deep inside, you have some lingering emotions.
If you are single and have nobody with you yet, the thought of being “Mr. right” for her or for someone will bring many fantasies. It just happens to be her the focus of your fantasy.
That is something that you will need to find out by observing your own situation.
If you are in a relationship with someone, perhaps it is not that deep for you and the emotional outlet is there with the thought of her.
That is all.
Observation without judgments is very important to understand the issue.
That understanding will bring your own liberation from daydreaming, nevertheless; because you enjoy the movie in your head, it still will happen unless you become aware of the moment that it is occurring.
It is in the awareness right in the moment, when it is happening how you could decide to go on with the fantasy or choose to play “Nintendo” instead. 🙂
Without that instant awareness the fantasy will go on.
Note that daydreaming brings an emotional rush, which has the potential to bring you “up” or “down.”
In a way, you are having a “relationship” with her although it is all in your mind, the emotions that you feel are real and that is what brings the need to repeat the experience, which you call “pleasurable.”
With those emotions, you may feel alive.
Our minds could create a world for ourselves, a world to suit our emotional needs when these are not fulfilled in the “real world.” However, a relationship with someone comes down to sharing things:
Washing the dishes together, paying the bills, taking the garbage out, doing something for each other, having fun together, growing together etc.
If that is not happening, then it is all in your mind and if you are aware of it, then the fantasy will stop as when we wake up from a dream.