Question: The fear of choosing
“I want to know what my personal situation says about myself. If you don’t mind I would like to share it.
‘Marriage (arranged) happened to me, but from the starting I wasn’t satisfied though my husband is not a bad person and everybody in my family likes him. After that I came with my husband to another country where I met a person whom I liked instantly. Now it’s more than a year but that liking is still there. Now that I am married I can’t express this feeling to the person and ask him out and get to know what he feels for me and whether this liking is mutual. I like the new country, this place and everything and this place and company has provided me exposure to many new things. So I m happy that way.
Now, if i opt out of marriage I would have to go back to my country and to my parents who are quite controlling for my personality. Besides, greater fear is that I would be labeled, as it’s an Indian society. And I don’t know who I will end up with eventually, so that is another fear.’
I understand that you cannot tell me what to do. But please help me understand myself in this situation. Thank you.”
Thank you for your question.
Based on what you have shared and with the shortcomings of my understanding; I will answer this because it may be for the common good. If you haven’t observed your situation, let me bring some points:
You have a pretty good Life. Everyone takes care of you. You probably have plenty of free time, good meals, friends, comfort. You enjoy the new country, you have the company of a “not bad” husband…
What is the issue?
Your mind is telling you that you need something else. Some excitement. Maybe your age, your hormones are playing with your emotions or perhaps, you do not love your husband as you think you should. That is for you to find out.
An episode of attraction to someone flusters your world. You may think that this attraction could lead you into something better, for you have not experienced something like that before. Your mind is weaving the “perfect world” for you with the source of your attraction at this time.
The security of marriage could be one of the greatest jails. It just depends which side you see and embrace.
Observe your dependency. You depend on your husband and your family. You are not free to do as you please.
Sometimes the price of independence is very steep. Are you willing to pay for it? Do you have skills to survive by yourself? You don’t? Maybe that is something to consider.
The mind is taking you to some futuristic events “that may happen.” That is a waste. If the “I” wants to DO something to change things, then that “I” must be willing to fully accept the consequences. This is not about good or bad consequences for that is meaningless in Life. Everything humans come up as “solutions” is dualistic: It could be “good,” or “bad” depending on your perspective. Marriage is one example. The consequences of it are beyond “good or bad.”
Attractions come and attractions go. Don’t think that because you are married or because you found the love of your life, that you are not going to feel attracted to another person. That does not depend on you. What depends on you is the value that you give to that attraction. Your fear increases as your need for security increases.
DOING nothing when unsure, could be the best recipe for that stress and anxiety.
Life does the DOING as long as we are ready for the move. It just takes time, for we take our time.
Communication with your husband may help you. Perhaps he understands the way you feel. He may not be in love with you, but going along with the “arrangement” as well.
Many times our minds are so caught up with human “arrangements” that we label as “Holy,” “Godly,” “Lawful,” “the right thing” etc. that we are unwilling to hear our gut feeling’s voice telling us our truth without using words.
The mind is so busy trying to figure out how we can save face, how we can get away with what we want to experience, despite the lock of the “arrangements” that we have signed up to live by.
Isn’t that the story of the human drama?
You are not alone.
When there is no choice inside you; You will be One with what you truly feel.
All the best.