That is the word which describes depression and the feeling of being alone.
That separation could come through a comparison: “I have not achieved anything in life. I am worthless.” That is a comparison between the “I” from now and the “I” who should have been in “my” mind based on the teachings/standards of our society.
That thought arising without being checked, will damage our being. Our emotions will come to help deepen those thoughts, then we could feel a profound apathy which will lead us into carelessness.
“Today I don’t feel like taking care of myself. No cooking. No fun. I am alone in this life.”
Unless there is a chemical imbalance triggering a depression; most depressions are basically coming when there is this sensation of something lacking, something necessary to feel satisfied in this moment. That sensation creates a separation.
There is a “Me,” calling for attention. The “poor Me.”
The “poor Me” syndrome brings ego to the highest. Ego is not only to feel like the “top dog” but also and perhaps more damaging, to feel like the lowest being on Earth.
The greater is our ego, the greater will be the experience of suffering.
Even though, “I” exist in relationship; the concept continually stressed is that “I” am “individual,” thus; that concept which was learned someplace; comes to perform the magical act of separation.
When this separation happens, the sense of communion or “common-union,” with everything that exists; dies in such a way that our feelings become completely shut down.
Without feelings but just with thoughts and emotions, we cannot be merged into every second of life. We cannot live life as functioning human beings but simply as lonely machines looking for self gratification of the senses.
In that world of emptiness; pleasure is all there is to fulfill the senses and to feel some sort of gratification, which will be then called “happiness.” Happiness becomes a moment, an instant. A climax. The rest is something just to put up with.
If your spiritual life leads you to live alone; to be surrounded by 4 walls and to come home to hear your own internal voice; please don’t take it as punishment; but as the opportunity for that ego to dissolve.
Loneliness is ego in disguise.
The need to be with someone, to relate with someone to call “yours,” is just ego trying to live with the thought of possessing someone. We can share love, our time; but to try to possess someone under the name of “love” is one of the most spread out mental diseases. Almost like the flu.
If you have the courage to observe and at the same time to learn to relate with everything around you; there is the opportunity to discover that Nature is alive and has so much to share through its sounds and colors that we could learn and feel more about oneness as long as there is emptiness in us.
That emptiness appears when ego dies.
A person experiencing that healing emptiness cannot have depressing thoughts. That individual cannot feel alone.
When we become merged in that communion with everything else, when we learn that whatever is happening to “me” is not that important; when we learn to laugh about our “silly” selves; then we have created that space for the sounds and clarity of Nature to heal us.
That healing is the beginning of a honest smile in our outlook of life.
Then, life appears again… slowly.
Thank you for your challenging question!
Thank you for sharing your experiences as well as your challenges. Being a BK for 6 years is meaningless for “last go fast,” and that is all there is.
In today’s Murli (9/13/12) Baba spoke about “maintaining our stage constant and stable.” He mentioned that “following Shrimat accurately” is what makes the difference.
When we say “Shrimat” there are many implications for “Shrimat” is pretty much individual. A “Shrimat” for a householder is different than a Kumar; that is why I like to go back to the Maryadas, for Maryadas are for all BKs.
Many times, our carelessness in one Maryada makes a difference. Today Baba spoke about cooking your own food among other pieces of advice. This is something that you may need to consider, unfortunately; I am limited in my knowledge of your particular situation; therefore, i can only share general items.
Now, on your question. I am aware that many souls have experienced this “trip” of bliss and out of this world experiences with Baba. Those experience serve as “motivators” to continue in this path; however, let me be clear that in this path, suffering needs to be experienced so we can learn and overcome. That is just our own weaknesses magnified through the tests of life.
This is part of the package of “dying alive,” until that suffering is understood and transformed. That means, our vices transformed into virtues again.
If you are not “creating” your stage with awareness, then any other energy around you can “get into you” and change your mood. I found this is one of the most common issues with souls who have lots of sensibility. These souls could be in tune with subtle experiences and “Baba’s energies,” but at the same time; the opposite will happen with “negative energies,” thus, changing easily the stage of these souls.
Perhaps this is your case.
Our stage is not made by “outside forces.” It is not made by subtle, divine experiences. We make that stage with awareness and understanding of our own processes in life. That is why, it takes time. If your stage fluctuates like a “roller coaster” that is the proof that your stage is not coming from your own self awareness. There is no “recipe” to improve that, other than letting life show you the way. The solution will come if you are honest with your efforts. Waiting just means the opportunity to settle karmic accounts in the process.
Do not get discouraged. As you mentioned, the first thing is to “accept that is happening to you.” Do not deny it. Then look for things to try to “improve.” “fighting” means rejecting. There is no fighting in spirituality. It is just accepting, surrendering ego and flowing with life.
Check the accuracy of those “maryadas.”
Check if you are experiencing greater concentration to be able to create your own stage despite outside forces…and finally have the tolerance and the courage to persist and to look and try for “new” solutions. Experiment.
Do not despair in what you are experiencing for it will change in due time if your persist. It is guaranteed. Tolerance and patience are needed more than anything else.
This path is about trying new things rather than repeating the same old stuff. Openness is needed. That is my experience.