Relationships of the “I.”
From yesterday’s example, we could perceive how important is to understand, release emotional traumas and beliefs stagnant in ourselves first, to be able to make something greater than ourselves, that is to be in a relationship with someone.
We already live in relationship in different levels; but the deepest the relationship, the need for less “I” there will be.
Some may need time alone, others will learn even when in a relationship.
Because the “I” is self-centered in his own activities, a deep relationship with another human being becomes a challenge.
The cultural response to this “problem,” has been the “master and servant” relationship.
One “I” has greater weight than the other “I,” the companion.
In many cultures that typically means that a male will be the “boss,” the “provider,” the “wise,” the main character. A female is left for second seat.
Observe that this type of set up is “fool proof,” for it is difficult for an “I” to live with another “I” at the same level, in “equality.”
As human rights activists, change of roles, equality talks etc. have appeared, it is not surprising that commitment in relationships have dropped.
One thing is to say: “would you marry me?” or to let the relatives pick the partner for us, and a different thing is to have that sense or feeling of commitment by becoming aware of all the “lessons” that this commitment will entail.
When we are ready to enjoy that journey in their “ups and downs” completely by always looking at this setting as the opportunity that Life brings to increase our own emptiness from the “ghosts” of the past, perhaps at that point, we may be ready.
Love is related with emptiness as the Ocean is with fish.
The “I” will be able to “love” only as long as the “other” enhances, supports, satisfies the needs of that “I.”
Commitment requires the opening to go beyond that “I.”
It is as if a room full of things, wanted to become “one” with another room full of things. Every room has its own “boxes.” Thus, one “I” needs to be the main figure for the relationship to survive.
It is at that point, where another interesting word has been invented: Compromise.
“Today is your turn and tomorrow it is mine.”
Observe how there are 2 distinct “I”s throughout the relationship trying to play together as a team.
There cannot be depth in that, as the separation is obvious.
Because an “I” may be continuously denied for the sake of the other “I,” then this will create friction, resentment, etc.
What is the solution?
Obviously to be aware that this is a typical process in a relationship. It is the meeting of the “I”s.
Is it “bad”?
No. It is “good.” Live and learn. Many will keep on blaming the “other” rather than looking at themselves, their “buttons” being pushed, their own limits.
It is a learning process, which takes time and commitment.
We could observe that inner work, becomes a very important aspect to be able to relate with another human being, whether the “other” is full of “I” or not.
At one point, we will need to realize that we must look at our own “I.”
To live with another human being is another way to understand our own shortcomings, to empty ourselves.
We cannot learn that through a book, a spiritual class or through a religion. It has to be experienced and the lesson will be learned through the mirror of relationships.
The depth of love is experienced as a by product of that commitment.
Loving with totality
Sharlene is in a relationship with Paul. It is known that Paul is a “good person.” Paul has great qualities to become a great husband; however; Paul is not spiritual enough for Sharlene. “He does not bring much spirituality with him;” she says.
They have been together for 3 years now and she is hoping for a turn around. Even though, Paul is a “nice guy,” Sharlene feels that she doesn’t want to settle for something which is not fulfilling for her.
For most people, it is about seeing the “good qualities” that someone brings into this “relationship.”
However, no matter what the other person brings to the table, there is no totality in Sharlene’s love.
Sharlene feels what she feels and there is no turn around unless her feelings change. The issue is with her.
Sharlene had different experiences in life before her relationship with Paul. She had an idea in her mind on how love should be. Her previous relationship ended because Jann wasn’t in love with her. There was not totality in Jann’s love. However, Sharlene wasn’t 100% into it either. There was something that she kept with her, for even though Jann was spiritual; Jann had his “own issues” which bothered Sharlene.
When there is that lack of totality or wholesomeness in love, there always will be a room for “wanting for more,” wanting for that which is not there, which is lacking; and then, the search for another one who brings those qualities will continue on. The mind keeps yearning for something which does not exist.
This is the story of most divorces, from the “wealthy and famous,” to the infamous and poor ones. 🙂
The above, is a “normal” situation nowadays. Many people feel lonely. Many people feel that they are “getting old,” and better “take the first fish who bites the bait” before being empty handed. Some people are looking for someone to “make them happy.” Others, are hoping for a “Hollywood movie with a happy end,” to unfold in their lives. Many hopes, many dreams; but no knowledge of the spiritual laws in life. No one looks at themselves first.
A castle made up of a deck of cards is waiting to collapse. It will happen. It is just a matter of time.
Totality in love comes when our love is wholesome, when it is a complete love from “head to toe,” towards someone who is willing to share his/her life with us. If this feeling is lacking, if there is something telling us inside that “this is not it,” then that wholesomeness will be missing for sure. Then, the uncommitted “let us see what happen,” will be there for sure. This is the time when the mind starts compromising, the mind starts believing things that are not there, the mind hopes for changes to accomodate your own will. Forget about the other. At the end, it is about “me.”
This commitment does not come out of “thinking.” It is something that we can feel from the beginning and unless we change, things will remain the same. That is, the other person will never be “spiritual enough.”
There is a very important point to remember: We can only get to this point of knowing, when any type of “neediness” is gone from our system. If loneliness is there, if there is any unfulfilled desire which we want for another to fulfill, then; we are just wasting our time, for that totality in love will not be there, it will never be experienced.
As long as we are in a state of neediness, we will only look for someone to fulfill our own emptiness. We bring to that relationship our emptiness; and this inner emptiness will become a demanding voice sooner or later which will destroy that relationship through dependency or through lack of satisfaction.
Totality of love in a relationship, that kind of love where there is no need to sign a piece of paper to demonstrate commitment, that type of love which is wholesome, which is looking to share without any further motives; that type of love can only come across when we have resolved our own “ghosts,” our own issues, when we have fulfilled that emptiness with the fragrance of victory by facing loneliness without escape; that is when “true” spirituality has been used to work in the self.
Through the law of karma, we will get what we deserve. Thus, it is in our hands, to make that “movie” a beautiful one. One emotional needy person plus another needy person does not equal happiness in the math of life.
“Love can not be thought,
love can not be cultivated,
love can not be practiced.
The practice of love, the practice of brotherhood,
is still within the field of the mind,
so it is not love.
When all this has stopped,
then love arises,
then you will know
what is love.
Then, love is not quantitative but qualitative.
You do not say: “I love everybody”
but when one knows how to love,
knows how to love all.
Because we do not know how to love one
our love for humanity is fictitious.
When you love, there is neither one nor many:
there is only love.
It is only when there is love
that all our problems can be solved
and then we will know
its joy and happiness.”