Tagged: dependency
Emotional dependency
To fall in Love is very easy. To love, is something that very few are able to know. Love cannot be learned.
Love appears when we are able to appreciate and give.
Appreciate the moment. Give yourself. This is not a “practice,” this is BEING those things without trying.
How can I “achieve” those things then?
By being completely AWARE of who you ARE now and allowing for the inner barriers to fall.
Otherwise, we bring the past to the “now,” we try to control outcomes and expect to receive what we desire, what we think is “fair.” For most, that is their version of love.
To bring the past means to feed grudges. To point out “mistakes.” To believe that someone cannot change. Control brings jealousy, the need to possess. Because there is this psychological separation, there is always the “Me “and “you” that cannot fuse into “us.” Thus, to give yourself under those terms, is only another pretty idea.
Everything in Life is meant to change. When we live through the identity of another, we will suffer when the other is gone.
Many will avoid becoming closer to another, for the fear of being hurt; but yet miss an opportunity for growth and enjoyment. They are not AWARE that inner fears do not allow someone to experience the way Life IS. With fear there cannot be love.
That emotional dependency of illusory security, does not go away when we protect ourselves from others, but when we are wide open, vulnerable, alive.
Some relationships are meant to last 1 day. Others a lifetime. Truly, there is no difference for the one who is open to Life.
The moment, the “now,” that is all that matters. Once it is gone, a new door will open if we do not bring the past with us. A new adventure will arrive if we do not try to control the surroundings. If we give ourselves to Life at every moment, we may find what Love IS.
We find by letting go.
Dependencies and the search for perfection
A preference could be small or it could be extremely important. When it is small, that preference is manageable. When that preference has intensity, it becomes a dependency.
A dependency then will show us the extremes of our personality. Thus, for the “life traveler,” to be aware of his own dependencies is “good.”
In the ”black or white” world a dependency is “bad.”
What is the difference between an individual set into the “black or white” ways and a “life traveler” openness?
Consciousness. Awareness.
That is all.
When a “life traveler” is ready to strip down his dependencies, life will offer the experiences for those dependencies to be looked at.
For example, most “normal” individuals despise being “alone.” Definitely our society is not meant for a person to be by himself or herself. There are many pressures, many traditions, many expectations, many beliefs.
To have time to be alone is an important requisite to know that which we call “self.”
No shortcuts on that.
When the dependency of others is strong, self-knowledge is low. It is in that state of dependency when “relationships” happen in a “normal” way. It is called “companionship.”
Until the individual is not whole in himself, there is no relationship as “sharing” but as depending due to the strong preference of not being alone.
What is individual wholeness?
In previous articles it was mentioned that there is an “inner family” in the self. The “inner kid,” the “man,” and the “woman.” They are all together with their own needs and wants. To balance those energies is necessary before integrating into the Totality, whether that is a relationship with someone or not, but Integration is important.
Someone asked at one time “where is this knowledge coming from?”
Obviously is not by reading books and listening to classes given by gurus about “spirituality.”
Obviously is not from following religious groups which could interpret my experiences according to their dogmas. Obviously is not by believing in a “black or white” God.
It is by observing Nature and that which we call the self. It is by listening to Nature and the self.
It comes when we feel at ease with ourselves, when we are ready to strip down our beliefs and emotional hang ups and open our arms to the experiences that life may bring.
To “know” is already in us, all we need to “do” is to let it emerge… and it will emerge when the dependencies lower their intensity.
Is to read spiritual books and to listen to spiritual classes “bad” then? 🙂
Of course not. It is part of the changing experience, BUT…we could develop a dependency on those things as well… and life will change the route.
For those who are ready, here is a little something:
When someone else makes the decision for us to change our ways…for example, “reading books” into “not reading books anymore,” that is to lack respect for the life path of someone.
When we make our own decision not to read books anymore for whatever reason, then we embrace repression, rigidity and a new belief.
When it happens naturally without thought, without inner clash, without drama… then that is natural.
For many “life travelers,” to let things happen becomes the biggest guilt trip of all. Trapped in beliefs, they do not allow themselves to change.
Life is change.
When we perceive that perfection which is not a “static” thing, but continuous movement; how on earth could we say something like: “I strive for perfection”?
Perfection is here, right now… but we are not aware of it and we have an idea of something that we want to “achieve in the future.”
Senseless.
If perfection is right now, ever-changing and moving in all respects, what is there to “do”? 😉
To enjoy it and to appreciate it.
If we learn to do that without reason, without thought, without cultivation and compulsion, naturally… then we may be living life in joy.
That could be labeled as perfection.
Dependency
When there is some sort of insecurity or the perception of not being enough, there is dependency for that perceived security.
A child will depend on his father to fulfill his basic needs. That child may be dependent all of his life for different reasons, or he may “grow up” and become self-reliant. Nevertheless, many times there is a symbiosis going on where a father may depend on the child through emotional support.
Human beings tend to develop a dependency on something considered “greater” or “helpful.” Dependency is how our consciousness of “individuality” may be challenged, nevertheless; the reason underneath is convenience.
It is convenient that someone else will take care of “me.” 🙂
That perception of being “taking care of” tends to be demanding over time. The sense of “ownership” arises on one side while dependency increases on the other.
In a human relationship, that setting could be called “love” but it is only dependency.
In the realm of spirituality there is the same type of dependency.
Some may consider someone to be enlightened and then, they will blindly follow everything that “guru” says, writes or communicates through his\her followers.
That dependency occurs because of the inability of some to “walk their own walk.” It is safe to follow others who we may consider to be enlightened. It is safe to follow an organized path where things are pretty much established.
Not being able to live with uncertainty will make someone compliant to anything perceived to be greater than themselves.
That is how religions have exploited the idea of God.
It is true that some may have had a divine experience with what was perceived to be God at the time, but that experience does not come with a belief in it, with a philosophy, with an idea to follow “someone.”
That is human interpretation.
Dependency arises when there is a lack of self-worth. It is the ego who wants to be
“saved” through belonging to someone or somebody.
It is more “convenient” that way.
The path of the spiritual walker is not something that is made in a “cookie cutter” machine.
It is a unique path where our realizations become our door to further understanding. Those realizations are specifically about inner discovery and integration with all, Totality; that is the 2 sides of the same coin of “Being.”
That is why reading books, attending religious ceremonies, listening to “spiritual talk” could be helpful as long as those things become ingredients for that inner observation.
It is about discovering our own potential.
Someone who is truly interested in humanity; someone who truly loves another will not be interested in creating dependency.
If someone feels dependent on God, on a religion on a system, on a guru, etc. That person is still a child by “convenience.”
A symbiosis may appear that we could call “love” or another “nice” accepted word; but not the opportunity to develop and to know what freedom is, beyond the meaning of the dictionary.
Changes: Getting rid of the added rust
Change means life. There is nothing static. Movement is ongoing. Our emotional and mental suffering is related with our inability to let things go on or because we cling into something made up by our minds which is not “here” yet. These are desires.
For someone who is not aware, changes will tend to degenerate, that is “entropy” is the default when there is no awareness. This could be explained simply by looking at a nail after several years, rust will be building up. The former shiny nail will lose its color.
This “rust” is what religions and moral teachings have identified as “vices.” Therefore, well-known religions and moral teachings are all about cleaning that rust by “doing” something.
Some religions will apply sandpaper over the nail. The nail will have to go through lots of friction and discomfort to get the rust out… however, sand paper is not the “solution” to maintain the nail clean from vices, but just a temporary method, for if sandpaper is not applied to that nail on a regular basis, then more rust will appear.
This creates a “dependency” of the nail for sandpaper. Notice that everything here goes at the physical level.
For example, If I realize that sex lust is “bad,” then I should not look at a woman. Then, I should think that a woman is my mother or my sister, so the desire will go away. “Do not lead us into temptation, but deliver us from evil.” 🙂
This is sandpaper. That is, to identify something which is “wrong” with me and to do something to get that out of my system.
As long as there is sandpaper, then I should be “clean,” if I “do” a good job. 🙂
There are other religions or philosophies which proclaim that “everything is what I should be,” and I do not need to “do” anything to change. I am perfect already, but I do not realize it. 🙂
Many have misinterpreted this religious/moral teaching as to “do what is natural.” Thus, Anger is natural, lust is natural, greed is natural, etc. When there is this huge misinterpretation, there is more rust accumulated in the nail.
Zen Buddhism and Taoism have been misinterpreted in this way. For many is about sitting for meditation looking at the wall and performing some devotional rituals and nothing else after that except to think about a “koan,” to dissolve the mind. Here, there is no striving to be “better” for there is nothing to improve.
The problem is that there is no inner observation of what “is.” That comes with awareness and dear reader, awareness cannot be taught, it happens, by itself when we are continuously observing ourselves and by being in contact with Nature to be nurtured by it. Nature is subtle and that subtlety needs to be ingested by a person who is only aware of the physical realm.
When looking at the moon on a windy night, being mesmerized by the beauty of the moment, when appreciation appears, when the heart spontaneously awakens with love, in that moment there is a connection, there is a “something” that is perceived in the air, the setting. That something is subtle and it comes as spiritual nourishment by itself as long as our mind is in that tranquil state of appreciation.
That nourishment changes individuals. The only task is to be aware enough to perceive it. To be open to it.
Then we can see that the utility of sandpaper is just to get us to that point.
Then, magically; the nail is covered by anti-corrosive paint, as long as we could experience that subtle nourishing energy which is everywhere as long as we are aware of it.
The effect is the feeling of gratefulness and peace. When that peace manifest in movement, there is harmony.
This is the “natural” state. Once we know this state by experiencing it, then there is no need to do anything to avoid rust on the nail. Then, we can “do” what is natural, not before.
Therefore, the task is just to be aware. To “gain” awareness after our many years of lethargic sleep.
The sleeping beauty wakes up when the kiss of awareness of the prince, touches her heart.
Reader remark: Sharing a song
Brother, one of the songs I have always liked ‘A Whole New World’ from Alladin, re-read the lyrics again recently and it perfectly described how I was feeling, understood it in a new light. However, just today read Dadi Janki’s ‘No One Should Pull My Intellect’ dated 24.5.2013 where DJ states: Baba spoke about the stories of God, the Friend, of Hatamtai (putting a bead in the mouth -don’t say anything) and Allah-Avaldin (Aladdin), God the One who creates the kingdom. So was inspired to read the symbolic meaning of the genie and lamp and share the link and lyrics of the song. http://suite101.com/article/aladdin-and-the-magic-lamp—meaning-and-symbolism-a344878 A Whole New World – From Alladin I can show you the world Shining, shimmering, splendid Tell me, princess, now when did You last let your heart decide? I can open your eyes Take you wonder by wonder Over, sideways and under On a magic carpet ride A whole new world A new fantastic point of view No one to tell us no Or where to go Or say we’re only dreaming A whole new world A dazzling place I never knew But when I’m way up here It’s crystal clear That now I’m in a whole new world with you Now I’m in a whole new world with you Unbelievable sights Indescribable feeling Soaring, tumbling, freewheeling Through an endless diamond sky A whole new world Don’t you dare close your eyes A hundred thousand things to see Hold your breath – it gets better I’m like a shooting star I’ve come so far I can’t go back to where I used to be A whole new world Every turn a surprise With new horizons to pursue Every moment red-letter I’ll chase them anywhere There’s time to spare Let me share this whole new world with you A whole new world That’s where we’ll be A thrilling chase A wondrous place For you and me.
Dear soul,
Thank you for sharing that song… I am sure many sisters and even perhaps some brothers will feel inspired by it… 🙂
The romantic feeling to “fall in love” is great, specially if the beloved one is God. There you have the image of Brahma Baba to put a male body to God and there you have a love story … 🙂
As far as I am concerned, God is beyond genders and even though we are trapped in that duality, in this world we need to learn to balance those 2 energies (male and female) and live as complements of each other.
To fall in love is an indescribable feeling, but to depend on another for our own happiness is to be trapped in dependencies, it is a dream where only those who wake up will know.
Godly, divine knowledge is meant to emerge the qualities in us of a master of the self. That means not to be dependent on anyone, not even in God… now, that is the God that I know of; completely altruistic and not looking for “dependents,” but emerging the “master almighty authorities” in us.
Of course, there is a time when a child needs a Father to grow and a teenager a boyfriend to feel self-respect; but there is a time where adulthood comes and then things change. Your friend are the divine energies- God- knowledge and the Drama. That is the time when we have to do things “ourselves,” as a master of the self. No one can take the steps for us.
Such is life. Such is spiritual life as well.
Best wishes!
Inner Awareness: The easy way to know love
Ananda was troubled. His thoughts were heavy. He had been thinking about this person nonstop for many months now. Ananda was “bewitched” by her sweet ways. The way she expressed herself. Her looks. Her voice. Her sweet inner self. Everything!
A thought came and then a feeling made that thought stronger. It was an emotion.
Ananda felt “alive,” out of the routine.
That emotion became a dependency after a few weeks. Ananda was daydreaming about her. He was making “romantic gateways” in his mind. Ananda was feeling good . He thought that she also liked him. He was waiting for the “right moment,” to let her know; but he was enjoying the sensation now as it was.
A few days later, Ananda found out something about her. Something that he didn’t expect, which changed the impeccable vision he had of her: He thought she was very special! 🙂
Ananda couldn’t believe it. His “castle of thoughts” collapsed. A thought came, then he felt this energy by his heart. It was an emotion wanting to come out. That emotion invaded his being and due to his strong feelings; Ananda started to cry…. Ananda’s day changed from a sunny morning into the darkest horror story.
But then a few hour later, Ananda had more information about this person. It was good news! What he thought before wasn’t 100% accurate. But only 75%! Ananda saw how the night changed into the daylight in his life….one more time, he was a “happy go lucky” guy. The smile was in his lips again, “because of her.”
In the “normal” world that is what is known as “falling in love.”
The above story could be changed in many ways. The main topic to perceive is how we become emotionally dependent on someone or something. We give our happiness into the hands of someone.
As long as we are dependent on something outside ourselves, our well being will fluctuate.
That dependency can manifest itself in many ways; the underlying factor is that our thoughts are “crying” for that “high.”
When our minds dictate our mood, we will be lost in the unsettled world of thought and emotions.
Ananda went to the nearest park early in the morning. That park had a Lake and the Sun was just starting to come out. As Ananda looked at the lake, he perceived that his thoughts and emotions as the ripples in the lake. More emotions, more ripples. With so many ripples going on, Ananda wasn’t able to look at the reflection of himself in that lake. He couldn’t know himself with too much inner turbulence.
To see that reflection in that lake, would have been a pathetic picture of an otherwise decent looking guy, with the saddest expression in his face.
All the trouble was in his own mind. A belief.
Ananda looked at the lake, sitting there without thinking about anything in particular. His mind was taken by just looking at the dance of ripples under the Sunlight of the new day. Then, he perceived a new sensation: The beauty of something inside him like a presence or a “stable being,” not watching anything; just being there. It felt like a strong support coming from inside. As a matter of fact, that “being” was taking over the whole scene of the lake , the sun and Ananda; so there were not 3 things but one going and slowly dissolving into none. Nothing but awareness.
As soon as Ananda realized of this, then his thoughts started to come out again as an everlasting thread of senseless pictures.
Ananda realized that as long as he was aware of this inner being, his thoughts wouldn’t bother him. Greater awareness, less thoughts.
Most important, Ananda was able to feel for the first time the meaning of SERENITY, without going to the dictionary to look up that word and try to act it because of hearing that to “be serene” is “good.”
In that serenity, the ripples of his mind subdue. In that serenity the bothersome pains near his heart which were bottle up emotions, could not be felt.
Ananda realized that his thoughts were not “real.” He was allowing himself to “daydream” about something who had overpowered him due to his need for company and proximity with another person.
Once there is realization, then there is a “cure.”
The important aspect is to realize that without that inner serenity, which some call peace, others call God and yet others call, spirit; without “that” there is no possibility of experiencing self –fulfillment and then, we will always be dependent.
That experience of serenity needs to be constant so there is nothing else that could overtake it, for anything else are just accessories coming from the outside. That is the “work,” the effort.
Love is sharing. That could only appear once this peace is constant. That peace is not dependent on anyone but ourselves.
Once we know that peace, that serenity and make it constant in ourselves, there will be automatic self transformation; then we can share it, give to the world; that is, for the first time we can know what love is. Not before.
When we know inner peace, we know love.
Question: After observing the self closely, I have realized the two big hurdles in my spiritual journey are dependency and getting influenced. So, whenever I tried to work on it, either I start rejecting other personalities around me or I get flows with them. Baba often says that at this point of time in drama, a human cannot give constant happiness to other human. So, shall we reject the feelings of happiness we getting from others, so that we do not become dependent on that energy to sustain us or let just accept whatever is coming for now without thinking much about it. But, then the problem comes when that feeling changes into neediness and start affecting other things. Why do mind always looking out for someone, once we have found ourselves and God? This sanskaar of dependency is so deep that even after telling the mind to be dependent on God, it keeps pondering out. Your comments and suggestions on it.
Thank you for your great question!
Dear soul,
Rejection of any kind will just hinder our spiritual progress. By rejecting we are giving force to that which we reject. The issue always comes back to our own neediness, our own opinions and our own ideals. There was no point in the cycle when a “human being could give constant happiness to another human.” The issue now is that we are “empty” and we want to get that fulfillment from someone. We even want to fulfill that neediness through God.
Dear soul, This knowledge is the legacy that God has given us. Through that knowledge we can become self sovereign, a master of the self. At that point, there is no more neediness, but then we can share that completeness with others. That is love. If there is someone taking, that is neediness. If there is someone giving, that is ego. It is “Natural” to share as an expression of the self and not as a self imposed duty because it is “good.”
What you are experiencing is a sign of honest progress. That is the realization of our own neediness. Finding God does not mean that everything “will be alright,” it means that it is the time to start working on the self so we can become “Like the Father.” Not a dependent being.
In my experience, solitude is the best medicine. Until we are not content with our own company, alone; we will be longing for others. Not everyone will be able to go through that, but in my experience; that has helped a lot to realize the “dependency game.” In that space sit down, go beyond thoughts of our silly mind, go even beyond our own feelings and recognize that which is complete, your own self. Then changes will happen naturally, for you have to find the source of your own completeness. You are already complete. A soul just like God, but surrounded by the clouds of thoughts and emotions while living in sheer unconsciousness. We need to awake. That is what the BK path is for.
One last point; “telling the mind something,” will not do anything. Telling ourselves something, will not do anything. There has to be will power on wanting to know the self despite the outside distractions. We already know God, right? and God has giving us this knowledge. Now we have to put it in practice, that is know the self by experiencing it; then the job will be done.
As you can see, knowing God is not enough. It is the beginning of the journey.
Best wishes!
Exploring the Depth of Living 