Grief and transformation of emotions
What do you feel when a loved one dies?
What do you feel when you experience a broken heart?
What would you experience if you are told that you only have a month to live?
Most of us will perceive those experiences as a hardship, something that shouldn’t happen to us, but yet it does.
Psychologists have come up with stages of grief: Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
Observe in yourself how grief transforms into anger and how that in turn will transform into sadness, depression and finally into acceptance.
Nevertheless, for most that final stage of acceptance is not “true” acceptance. It is more accurate to call it to be submissive.
The angry tiger becomes a docile kitty cat.
We could fight, struggle with anyone except with Life itself.
Observe how the experience of opposite emotions will be going through the experience of the “cycle” of grief: I could deny, just to accept. I could feel anger, just to be submissive. I could bargain with the higher powers to be, rationalizing the incident; just to be depressed.
Acceptance is not submissiveness.
Acceptance is openness to the experience.
When you are a “Life walker,” a seeker; you may find out that those 5 stages of grief are not accurate in your case.
There is one important stage, which will return a true smile in our faces.
That final stage is called GRATITUDE.
Gratitude is not say “Thank you” as many think. Gratitude means to be able to be fulfilled in yourself. Nothing is lacking. You are at ease and able to live with you.
“You” are Life itself, complete. Nevertheless, most “normal” people cannot experience that yet. For them gratitude is just another “spiritual keyword,” a nice way to say “thank you,” with the mind.
If a loved one passes away, your stage of grief will be fully transformed through “spiritual alchemy,” when there is a sense of gratitude in you. A loved one is gone into another journey. You are not lacking. That sense of grief was shown to you through that event. You are grief. Nothing wrong with that. However, you can transform it, that is; use the same energy to come up with something else: Acceptance, Gratitude.
When we are not aware of transformation of energies, we will only repress them to try to act tough, quasi-spiritual, disconnected, disinterested, etc.
Many individuals will experience grief, express it and keep it for as long as they can. They thrive in getting pity from others. It is a way for them to feel important as people may finally notice them. Others, may reject grief as they have been conditioned to believe that they have to show a happy face all the time.
Very few will transform it, and yet even fewer; will feel GRATITUDE out of that experience. Ultimately, there is FREEDOM in GRATITUDE.
A trauma or fear of Life comes when we have not reached a state of true acceptance, when we are continuously struggling with Life.
Our conditioning that we should fight for everything may work in the “office world,” but it will never work with Life.
The mind is our inner TV. It has so many images. Most times we believe in those images as “real” and add our own expectations, our own story of how life should be for “me.” When a setback is felt and grief comes in the horizon, that TV show will be the same repeat which in turn will bring more suffering to the ego, the “I.”
Why is that suffering?
Because my expectation of what Life should be for “me” does not fit reality. Ego cannot accept that. The repetition of the images is there so we don’t forget. It is a nagging reminder.
Anger, denial, etc. are expressions of the fighting ego.
EGO cannot have GRATITUDE, for ego always wants something else. Ego is in a state of lacking fulfillment.
That is why it is said that “time heals.” For the ego will look for something else in time to cover the previous trauma.
Self-observation is an invaluable tool for self-knowledge. For that to happen, we need to allow ourselves to feel the full range of an emotional experience. Life is always teaching us, showing us, who we truly are.
Until December 1st! Enjoy Life. 🙂
Question: Depression and Sexual fantasies
Please share your experience about depression and sexual fantasy. If someone is suffering with depression from long period what is life teaching to that person also if anyone is addicted to sexual fantasy how does it affects other beings and what is the solution to transform this energy for the common good.
Thank you very much
Thank you for your question. I will share from my experience.
In a nutshell, if a chemical imbalance then, medicine will help.
If an attitude due to feeling unfulfilled in Life, then to find a goal in Life may help, through a religion, an ideal or a group. If due to the influence of the environment including spirits, then it may be a necessary experience to go through in order to change. There are some people trained on those arts (spiritists/shamans) who may be able to help. Once the spirit is gone, depression will be gone as well.
As in the teaching of “polarity,” depression is one extreme of the experience. Elation/sexuality is the other. For some, to experience Life is to go through those experiences.
Let us say that someone is practicing Celibacy. The experience of sadness and even depression will help to maintain that practice of Celibacy, for the natural sexual urge (elation) will not be there. Thus, we could say that sadness and depression had a “reason” to be there.
Remember that every experience in Life has meaning. Once we go through the extremes, we may need to transcend that duality by integrating them in Life.
Therefore, if you know someone who is experiencing depression, become aware that this experience as “terrible” as it may seem, is necessary in the Life experience of that person despite the outcome. Also, it is influencing the Life experiences of those around a depressed person.
The other extreme of that experience of depression is the experience of sex in different forms. Someone who has been suffering to the extreme, will experience utmost pleasure and that is typically related with sexual pleasure.
Sexual fantasies are the outcome of an obsessive mind, trapped in the way it directs its focus.
That mind is suffering; then sexuality is that release into the other extreme until it becomes addictive.
Pornography is a type of sexual fantasy. Because men are typically more visual, that is the way the mind will be engaged into sex. “Sex is in the mind,” as preached by our mind addicted society. Similarly women may engage in sexual fantasy as that is the acceptable “outlet.” No one knows what is in your mind, except you.
It is interesting that you have asked a question which deals with 2 extremes of the same issue.
What is the issue?
A boyfriend left Janet. She was in love with him. She was in pain. She looked for a close male friend for support. She had sex with him.
What was the issue? Her ego mind couldn’t take the pain.
Sex was used as the painkiller. The obvious “reason” could be “sugar coated” and Janet could explain her experience as “feeling a special bond” at that time with her friend.
In Sexual fantasies, the mind is obsessive with the sensation that sexuality brings to calm our inner suffering. We may not even be aware of it. It is a way of compensation.
Until we become aware of how our mind is taking us to fantasies as a way to escape from some sort of suffering, (which could be lack of sexual satisfaction among other things) then we can only DO things to try to mitigate what makes us feel “bad” about ourselves.
For example, we could join a group who labels sex as “bad.” Then our support group will be within the same extremist belief of our mind. We will feel good for some time… but then, the mind will change into the other extreme.
If we reject our fantasies, then we will make them stronger. The inner fight will only make us tired, without energy.
If we believe that our thoughts are “sinful,” then we will feel guilty.
If we believe that God disapproves of such sexual thoughts, we will feel in shame.
Observe how beliefs are affecting our Life. Sex is not shameful or “bad,” it is just that an out of control mind, will hurt itself through an addiction. The problem is not a sexual fantasy but the obsessive mind.
Others around may be able to feel the “vibes” of an overcharged but repressed sexual energy.
Perhaps some would like me to tell what to DO, right?
Do not repress sexuality.
We may learn that surrendering to pleasure is not a “bad” thing. The “bad” thing is to repress pleasure because our mind and hang ups, beliefs and traditions have taught us “not to lose control.” Sex without mind and thoughts, is a teacher of “No-I.” Sex with mind/fantasies/thoughts is the teacher of lack of satisfaction. Sexual pleasure is not of the mind.
There is more to sex that most people know about. But, we cannot transcend something that deep inside is suppressed and rejected.
Is the above “sinful” for some?
Then guilt, shame and a continuous fight with sexual fantasies will be there for us.
Anything we DO such praying, becoming busy, etc. will only be a distraction for some time until… the sequence repeats again… But stronger, lively… It is not a question of DOING something, but a question of observing and becoming aware of an obsessive mind.
We are not our minds. We could hear it speaking to us, but we do not need to listen… Moreover, it is an “illusion” if I call that mind “Me.”
Getting rid of the Spiritual Training wheels
If Jack becomes conscious of the “game” that he is playing with himself, he could change. Otherwise, he will remain in that consciousness.
He is trying to be “good,” “respectable,” a “model” for others by adopting a behavior which does not truly reflect his feelings. That behavior is motivated through a belief, which uses punishment and reward to “change behaviors.”
That is the shortcoming of any belief system. It can only change behaviors just like Pavlov’s dogs. However, feelings are intact and that is the “lying” game that some like to play with themselves… until they realize something different.
A belief system is like training wheels on a bike. It will help someone to have the feeling of what is like to ride a bike.
Some may feel that they are actually riding a bicycle. Their consciousness is attached to the training wheels. These individuals become self-righteous.
Some may realize that those training wheels are in their way of experiencing a full ride… but they become afraid. Fear arrives.
“I could fall down. That will hurt.” Even worse, these individuals will look for “logical reasons” to keep the training wheels on.
“It has been proven by science that 90% of people who take the training wheels off their bicycles, will fall down in the first 3 minutes and experience contusions, bruises and even death.”
At that time, those who had the spark of realization will terminate that “new” feeling of taking the training wheels off the bike and go on with the thought, the belief.
Fear dominates. Guilt appears.
It is safer that way. There is safety in “numbers…” 🙂
Avyakt7 shares his experiences and realizations. That is all. Avyakt7 is not quoting the latest research or trying to align with a particular belief system. As a matter of fact, Avyakt7 is in the ongoing process of cutting off beliefs from his psyche.
Avyakt7 can share about things, because he had the experience. That experience is not the “truth.” It is just an experience.
For example, Avyakt7 could tell you about sadness and depression because either he has experienced that himself or indirectly participated when someone close to him had the experience.
We could learn by listening to others experiences as long as we use that experience to recognize what is going on with us at the moment.
For instance, Avyakt7 has observed 3 different causes of sadness or mental depression.
1) Your own attitude towards life- Your emotions.
2) A chemical imbalance
3) Being over sensitive to the outside environment, such as the atmosphere or the influence of ethereal beings (ghosts, lost souls, spirits, entities and the like, etc.)
Because depression and sadness deals with your own thoughts, that is the perfect opportunity to look into it. To experience being thoughtless for a moment and extending that moment.
That is, to forget yourself.
It is in our own laboratory of the self, how we could learn by experimenting.
As we find more challenges in our personality, we could choose to deal with it by observing it or… we could use other things as palliative medicine.
Those things will give us the valuable time to keep observing.
As we honestly go into it, help will come because we are never alone. However, the first step needs to come from us and from that point, we need to keep on walking one step at the time… until we arrive.
Then, we will know. Not before.
Beliefs reside in the “before” knowing time.
No one can do the walk for us.
If little Jimmy experiences to be lost in his own shadow despite the light of a bright day; then that knowing will be invaluable. That knowing cannot be “taught” to another.
“Knowing” cannot be passed down onto another. It needs to be discovered by ourselves.
Intellectual information could be passed down, but not knowledge.
“Water reflects the consciousness of the being surrounding it. Water is deeply connected to the individual and collective consciousness.”
This is the discovery of Dr. Masaru Emoto in a nutshell.
The “New Age” media made great hype on that.
Water crystals were changing its form according to the influence around them: If a meditator or a depressed individual were around water, the crystals showed different patterns: Harmonious or chaotic patterns, respectively.
This is good information, but it is not knowledge.
What is the practical meaning of that?
The Oceans are charged with “emotionality” at this point in time.
Obviously because of us…human beings. Our influence is great in the environment and as a result we will get back what we put in. Karma.
We are made up of water. We are water itself… What we put in us, is what we get. No need of “karma” (action.)
There is no separation between “me” and water. We are “it” in a very practical level.
Sadness as an emotion is there, floating in the air as water! 🙂
It is not just about “my” sadness. It is the world. See?
Until there is no consciousness of that “me” as an illusion, there will be sadness. It is that heavy “me” creating its own shadow. It is our minds taking us in a dark road trip by default… for that is in the air. We cannot be separated from the Totality.
When we are unconscious, we become in tune with whatever is on the “air.” Some individuals are more sensitive and they will pick up that vibe… right away.
Sound in this physical life, has an enormous power. Every song/music that we listen has the ability to change our emotions when we listen unconsciously.
A friend of mine mentioned that when experiencing sadness, he used to turn on AC/DC ‘s “Back in black” in high volume “sound effect.” His mood changed… at least during that song.. 🙂
Nevertheless… sadness will come back. Do we know why?
Because we are still unconscious of the environment and… there is a “me,” a personality build up with its own expectations, desires, hopes, dreams, dramas etc.
To learn to be empty, becomes of paramount importance.
When the door of our personality is completely open, then anything that goes inside will go away for there is no “me” to stop that. Nothing to hold on to.
That emptiness is what is in between the molecules of water, which make up our physical bodies.
To learn the art of emptiness is good! 🙂
When that “self” disappears, there is no shadow. No sadness.
No wonder, highly depressed individuals’ thoughts are considering committing suicide. That is a violent way to terminate the perception of the “self.” In depression, the “self” gets magnified.
By experiencing emptiness, the sense of self goes away and with that, there is a break to observe the pattern of thoughts, feelings and attitudes, which bring that state of sadness. It is in that consciousness, when we realize about the external “vibe” around us and how those vibes filter inside us.
This practice means to change our consciousness. It is practical awareness.
Many individuals try to change the location of their consciousness by drinking alcohol or by taking drugs even though secondary effects will be felt. That is all they know to forget themselves which is needed to experience something different.
Empty the “contents” of yourself. That is “clean that up.”
No side effects. No beliefs to believe. No money to spend.
All natural… all green! 🙂
It is in that adventure how “knowing” will appear. It will be discovered.
Remembering the past
Remembering the past is a “past time” for most individuals. When we observe our minds going into the past to re-live those moments, we could observe that our emotions will change, with that our mood will change and our outlook towards life, the experience of living the moment, will change as well.
Nothing wrong with remembering the past; what is important to recognize is how our emotions will change our experience of “now.”
Those emotions, whether elation or sadness are just ghosts. They no longer exist, nevertheless, our emotions are timeless.
A factual past becomes a hurtful psychological past. That psychological past has a charge of emotions, which will affect our present.
For example, some will remember a loved one who left, several times a day for many months. When this condition is beyond our control, this becomes a mental disease.
It is a chronic depression.
The solution does not reside on “not thinking” about things, or to have the “self control” not to think, to avoid this condition. Most will recur into further pain by doping themselves to avoid remembering.
The issue resides in our inability to understand the emotion underneath. Thinking about that loved one is merely showing that emotions need to be expressed. Thoughts are the vehicle for that expression.
The key element then is to find which is the emotion which needs to be understood, which neediness is being expressed by our rejection of the present, that is why we go into a recurrent past.
For example, the “9/11” episode. Many will gather today to remember that event. What will those individuals be remembering?
That is the key element to know. If it is about the sadness and pain of losing a loved one, if it is about maintaining the fire of revenge in their hearts; they are actually opening a wound that needs to be healed to “move on” in life.
“Move on,” means to transform that anger into acceptance. That is to have openness to life again. The obstacle in moving forward is resentment.
For a spiritual aware individual, revenge does not accomplish anything but the certainty to experience further suffering. Life has its own ways. There is no one who can escape the reaction caused by his or her own activity.
What you do unto others, you truly do it to yourself. That is why the teaching is: “Do unto others as you would have them do to you.”
On the other hand, to gather and to remember the contributions of every human being who met their last breath in that event, brings a different attitude. It will not be about suffering anymore, but about appreciation, about recognizing the unique qualities and roles that every person plays in life.
It is in this way, when the past dissolves in the past; and our present brings a different fragrance. For once a hurtful situation is transformed into the flower of acceptance and openness, then there is the opportunity for that flower to blossom in life and to share that beauty without ‘trying to.’
That is the best way to give, to teach and to live a human life.
Depression and Loneliness in the Spiritual life
That is the word which describes depression and the feeling of being alone.
That separation could come through a comparison: “I have not achieved anything in life. I am worthless.” That is a comparison between the “I” from now and the “I” who should have been in “my” mind based on the teachings/standards of our society.
That thought arising without being checked, will damage our being. Our emotions will come to help deepen those thoughts, then we could feel a profound apathy which will lead us into carelessness.
“Today I don’t feel like taking care of myself. No cooking. No fun. I am alone in this life.”
Unless there is a chemical imbalance triggering a depression; most depressions are basically coming when there is this sensation of something lacking, something necessary to feel satisfied in this moment. That sensation creates a separation.
There is a “Me,” calling for attention. The “poor Me.”
The “poor Me” syndrome brings ego to the highest. Ego is not only to feel like the “top dog” but also and perhaps more damaging, to feel like the lowest being on Earth.
The greater is our ego, the greater will be the experience of suffering.
Even though, “I” exist in relationship; the concept continually stressed is that “I” am “individual,” thus; that concept which was learned someplace; comes to perform the magical act of separation.
When this separation happens, the sense of communion or “common-union,” with everything that exists; dies in such a way that our feelings become completely shut down.
Without feelings but just with thoughts and emotions, we cannot be merged into every second of life. We cannot live life as functioning human beings but simply as lonely machines looking for self gratification of the senses.
In that world of emptiness; pleasure is all there is to fulfill the senses and to feel some sort of gratification, which will be then called “happiness.” Happiness becomes a moment, an instant. A climax. The rest is something just to put up with.
If your spiritual life leads you to live alone; to be surrounded by 4 walls and to come home to hear your own internal voice; please don’t take it as punishment; but as the opportunity for that ego to dissolve.
Loneliness is ego in disguise.
The need to be with someone, to relate with someone to call “yours,” is just ego trying to live with the thought of possessing someone. We can share love, our time; but to try to possess someone under the name of “love” is one of the most spread out mental diseases. Almost like the flu.
If you have the courage to observe and at the same time to learn to relate with everything around you; there is the opportunity to discover that Nature is alive and has so much to share through its sounds and colors that we could learn and feel more about oneness as long as there is emptiness in us.
That emptiness appears when ego dies.
A person experiencing that healing emptiness cannot have depressing thoughts. That individual cannot feel alone.
When we become merged in that communion with everything else, when we learn that whatever is happening to “me” is not that important; when we learn to laugh about our “silly” selves; then we have created that space for the sounds and clarity of Nature to heal us.
That healing is the beginning of a honest smile in our outlook of life.
Then, life appears again… slowly.
Inner Awareness: The easy way to know love
Ananda was troubled. His thoughts were heavy. He had been thinking about this person nonstop for many months now. Ananda was “bewitched” by her sweet ways. The way she expressed herself. Her looks. Her voice. Her sweet inner self. Everything!
A thought came and then a feeling made that thought stronger. It was an emotion.
Ananda felt “alive,” out of the routine.
That emotion became a dependency after a few weeks. Ananda was daydreaming about her. He was making “romantic gateways” in his mind. Ananda was feeling good . He thought that she also liked him. He was waiting for the “right moment,” to let her know; but he was enjoying the sensation now as it was.
A few days later, Ananda found out something about her. Something that he didn’t expect, which changed the impeccable vision he had of her: He thought she was very special! 🙂
Ananda couldn’t believe it. His “castle of thoughts” collapsed. A thought came, then he felt this energy by his heart. It was an emotion wanting to come out. That emotion invaded his being and due to his strong feelings; Ananda started to cry…. Ananda’s day changed from a sunny morning into the darkest horror story.
But then a few hour later, Ananda had more information about this person. It was good news! What he thought before wasn’t 100% accurate. But only 75%! Ananda saw how the night changed into the daylight in his life….one more time, he was a “happy go lucky” guy. The smile was in his lips again, “because of her.”
In the “normal” world that is what is known as “falling in love.”
The above story could be changed in many ways. The main topic to perceive is how we become emotionally dependent on someone or something. We give our happiness into the hands of someone.
As long as we are dependent on something outside ourselves, our well being will fluctuate.
That dependency can manifest itself in many ways; the underlying factor is that our thoughts are “crying” for that “high.”
When our minds dictate our mood, we will be lost in the unsettled world of thought and emotions.
Ananda went to the nearest park early in the morning. That park had a Lake and the Sun was just starting to come out. As Ananda looked at the lake, he perceived that his thoughts and emotions as the ripples in the lake. More emotions, more ripples. With so many ripples going on, Ananda wasn’t able to look at the reflection of himself in that lake. He couldn’t know himself with too much inner turbulence.
To see that reflection in that lake, would have been a pathetic picture of an otherwise decent looking guy, with the saddest expression in his face.
All the trouble was in his own mind. A belief.
Ananda looked at the lake, sitting there without thinking about anything in particular. His mind was taken by just looking at the dance of ripples under the Sunlight of the new day. Then, he perceived a new sensation: The beauty of something inside him like a presence or a “stable being,” not watching anything; just being there. It felt like a strong support coming from inside. As a matter of fact, that “being” was taking over the whole scene of the lake , the sun and Ananda; so there were not 3 things but one going and slowly dissolving into none. Nothing but awareness.
As soon as Ananda realized of this, then his thoughts started to come out again as an everlasting thread of senseless pictures.
Ananda realized that as long as he was aware of this inner being, his thoughts wouldn’t bother him. Greater awareness, less thoughts.
Most important, Ananda was able to feel for the first time the meaning of SERENITY, without going to the dictionary to look up that word and try to act it because of hearing that to “be serene” is “good.”
In that serenity, the ripples of his mind subdue. In that serenity the bothersome pains near his heart which were bottle up emotions, could not be felt.
Ananda realized that his thoughts were not “real.” He was allowing himself to “daydream” about something who had overpowered him due to his need for company and proximity with another person.
Once there is realization, then there is a “cure.”
The important aspect is to realize that without that inner serenity, which some call peace, others call God and yet others call, spirit; without “that” there is no possibility of experiencing self –fulfillment and then, we will always be dependent.
That experience of serenity needs to be constant so there is nothing else that could overtake it, for anything else are just accessories coming from the outside. That is the “work,” the effort.
Love is sharing. That could only appear once this peace is constant. That peace is not dependent on anyone but ourselves.
Once we know that peace, that serenity and make it constant in ourselves, there will be automatic self transformation; then we can share it, give to the world; that is, for the first time we can know what love is. Not before.
When we know inner peace, we know love.