“When I observe myself I feel more comfortable when I cry a lot by recalling bad events happened to me in the past and present. Sometimes I feel like crying loudly. I don’t know what is happening inside. I live alone and always wanted to stay alone without any friends and family relatives. Also I am suffering from an inferiority complex over my physical appearance. Any solution?”
Thank you for your question.
The world of emotions is incredibly deep. Logic, reason and analysis are useless when dealing with emotions.
When you remember your past or current “bad” events, you mind is involved. It is like forcing someone to watch a sad movie for the heck of it. Many times we do that to ourselves. It is as if something is bothering our ego and the movie comes up to tell us what it “is.”
That is the rational mind. There is nothing there for us to look at for we can only interpret things, rationalize things and decide to act in one way or another to protect our ego.
Sit down comfortably. Put on some tranquil, peaceful music. Observe how the mind goes into a dream state by playing anther “movie.” We are dreaming although supposedly, awake. Music could be a trigger to release your emotions.
Cry all you want within the space of compassion. It is needed, necessary and good.
You don’t need to know what is happening inside. Remember, that need to “know” is the mind. What your being needs is to heal.
Healing emotions is a process. We cannot pick what we want to heal. “Today I want to heal my inferiority complex…here is the method.” No! It does not work like that. What you are able to release, will be released. It does not depend on you.
Emotions are unprocessed energy stuck in our beings.
In my experience, holistic healers could be of great help. Sound or hypnosis may work for you, but that is up to you to try. That depends on you. Life will offer the “solution” at the right time. See what is available for you at this time.
To live alone is beneficial in many aspects. However, when we use that lifestyle to protect ourselves, out of fear, or to fulfill some “spiritual” ideal; our Life could be hellish.
Physical appearance is important, but more important is the acceptance of yourself.
By all means, DO something to improve your physical appearance if possible, according to your means, your time and how bad you want it, while in that process acceptance of “you” as “you” becomes the most important item in your list.
This is not related on how others perceive you based on some collective conditioning, but in how you perceive yourself. Do you like yourself? Do you feel at ease with yourself?
You have identified an inferiority complex. Now is the time to act.
Allow for Life to show you different avenues. Keep an open mind. Your Life may change at any time.
Openness in all aspects is the key to understand spirituality beyond infantile ideas.
What is that openness?
If you feel like crying, then cry.
If you feel like living alone, then do it.
If you want to remember “bad” events, remember them.
If you want to physically compare yourself with others, then compare yourself.
Just be AWARE of their consequences and repercussions. Forget about judgments.
Note how much of that which is happening to us, we DO it to ourselves unknowingly, then ACCEPT that all of that can change at any time… for it will change.
For some this is the belief about “hope in the future”.
For me, this is just a fact of Life.
The very best to you! 🙂
What do you feel when a loved one dies?
What do you feel when you experience a broken heart?
What would you experience if you are told that you only have a month to live?
Most of us will perceive those experiences as a hardship, something that shouldn’t happen to us, but yet it does.
Psychologists have come up with stages of grief: Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
Observe in yourself how grief transforms into anger and how that in turn will transform into sadness, depression and finally into acceptance.
Nevertheless, for most that final stage of acceptance is not “true” acceptance. It is more accurate to call it to be submissive.
The angry tiger becomes a docile kitty cat.
We could fight, struggle with anyone except with Life itself.
Observe how the experience of opposite emotions will be going through the experience of the “cycle” of grief: I could deny, just to accept. I could feel anger, just to be submissive. I could bargain with the higher powers to be, rationalizing the incident; just to be depressed.
Acceptance is not submissiveness.
Acceptance is openness to the experience.
When you are a “Life walker,” a seeker; you may find out that those 5 stages of grief are not accurate in your case.
There is one important stage, which will return a true smile in our faces.
That final stage is called GRATITUDE.
Gratitude is not say “Thank you” as many think. Gratitude means to be able to be fulfilled in yourself. Nothing is lacking. You are at ease and able to live with you.
“You” are Life itself, complete. Nevertheless, most “normal” people cannot experience that yet. For them gratitude is just another “spiritual keyword,” a nice way to say “thank you,” with the mind.
If a loved one passes away, your stage of grief will be fully transformed through “spiritual alchemy,” when there is a sense of gratitude in you. A loved one is gone into another journey. You are not lacking. That sense of grief was shown to you through that event. You are grief. Nothing wrong with that. However, you can transform it, that is; use the same energy to come up with something else: Acceptance, Gratitude.
When we are not aware of transformation of energies, we will only repress them to try to act tough, quasi-spiritual, disconnected, disinterested, etc.
Many individuals will experience grief, express it and keep it for as long as they can. They thrive in getting pity from others. It is a way for them to feel important as people may finally notice them. Others, may reject grief as they have been conditioned to believe that they have to show a happy face all the time.
Very few will transform it, and yet even fewer; will feel GRATITUDE out of that experience. Ultimately, there is FREEDOM in GRATITUDE.
A trauma or fear of Life comes when we have not reached a state of true acceptance, when we are continuously struggling with Life.
Our conditioning that we should fight for everything may work in the “office world,” but it will never work with Life.
The mind is our inner TV. It has so many images. Most times we believe in those images as “real” and add our own expectations, our own story of how life should be for “me.” When a setback is felt and grief comes in the horizon, that TV show will be the same repeat which in turn will bring more suffering to the ego, the “I.”
Why is that suffering?
Because my expectation of what Life should be for “me” does not fit reality. Ego cannot accept that. The repetition of the images is there so we don’t forget. It is a nagging reminder.
Anger, denial, etc. are expressions of the fighting ego.
EGO cannot have GRATITUDE, for ego always wants something else. Ego is in a state of lacking fulfillment.
That is why it is said that “time heals.” For the ego will look for something else in time to cover the previous trauma.
Self-observation is an invaluable tool for self-knowledge. For that to happen, we need to allow ourselves to feel the full range of an emotional experience. Life is always teaching us, showing us, who we truly are.
Until December 1st! Enjoy Life. 🙂
A reader asked: ” I want to forget my past but I could not. What to do?”
Observe that “I want to forget my past” does not work.
It does not matter what “method” someone may want to use.
The “I” cannot forget at will just as the “I” cannot stop thinking at will.
To say to someone “forget and forgive” is completely meaningless. Nice words to say, it sounds wise, but that is as far as it goes.
It is not about trying to “forget something,” that is like trying to catch your own shadow.
It is not a matter of DOING something like drinking tequila to “forget.”
The past is gone. It will be remembered if that was a cause of trauma, which means if it wasn’t accepted as it was.
What otherwise was like a flowing river; becomes stuck in a particular place due to a trauma perceived by the “I.”
Thus, the “keyword” to emotionally understand this issue is Acceptance.
Acceptance is not a concept, a nice thought to be entertained with or some sort of “spiritual” catchphrase.
If your mind says: “That makes sense. I will accept my past.” Nothing will happen. You will still remember it. The trauma is there.
Acceptance is to take away the blockages which are not allowing the waters of the river, to flow freely.
“Taking away” the blockages means to realize the beliefs, ideals, hang ups causing the trauma.
For example, you may have experienced a hard childhood. Whatever hardship you may think that you endured, has taken you today to where you are. Do you see that?
Would you label yourself as a “failure,” a byproduct of that traumatic childhood?
Yes? That is where lack of love will begin. It begins as a rejection to ourselves. We cannot forget something which we blame to be the cause of our “failure.” That memory will be triggered over and over by different events. All we are showing in our reactions, is our own suffering.
That lack of self-love will cause our inability to have a healthy connection with another human being, where love is at stake.
No? Then, if you are not a “failure,” then ask yourself: Why that pain from the past cannot be let go, accepted as part of Life? You may have broken your finger in the past, but even if you remember the experience, it will be neutral, it will not move you a bit. You can only be emotionally moved by something from the past, if that hasn’t been accepted, assimilated, processed.
Do you see that the type of acceptance I am talking about, is not coming from the mind?
Find the rejection. That is all. Once you find it, accept it with your heart.
I found out that a very dear friend of mine, passed away yesterday. Memories of the past will be triggered. My mind could even say how unfair life is. She was so young and full of artistic zest. Whatever my mind adds as justification or explanation, is just an interpretation. To accept means to feel the event whole in its entirety, without finding a place to hide. By allowing the event to go through me, it will not be stuck in my emotions as a trauma. By not using my mind to explain and justify things based on my ideas and conditioning, it will go through me as it came. For when you are an empty door, aware of who is passing by, there is no place for a trauma to stay.
Rejection of a Life experience is the obstacle not allowing the river of Life to flow, to change. The past is only memory. Observe how you perceive it, observe your own interpretation of it and how much damage we can do to ourselves when that interpretation does not fit the ideal that we have of how Life “should be.”
Life is. Always the present, always the “now.” Embrace it, love it, move with it. 🙂
“You” or “I” is a water pipe. The experiences of Life will go through the pipe, through us. As time goes by, some experiences may have “dirt” in it. That is a traumatic experience. That episode accumulates as energy, clogging up the pipe.
Because the pipe is unaware of what is going on, the pipe will “forget about it.”
“Yeah, that happened to “me” but I forgave “them” and “me.” I have to be positive. I have to look at the brighter side. Life works for “me,” so I am cool now.”
Those are the lying words that we are taught to say to ourselves. The words to meditate on, to condition our minds through some sort of “mantra.”
“Reality” is that the trauma is energy, it is not a rational element, a concept to change; thus, our little pep talk will not work at a deeper level, the level of change. It may work at the superficial level, that is behavior.
As the “dirt” accumulates over time the pipe acquires solidity. It filters the waters of Life experiences by using labels such as “good and bad.” “Good” means that it will be accepted for it is something known. “Bad” means danger, unknown, it could start another trauma. The pipe does not realize that filtering is done under conditioning. The pipe is no longer open to experience Life and thus, enjoyment diminishes. Extreme safety in all aspects becomes the concern, to preserve the “I” which is only accumulation of dirt. That is what we call ego. Thus, ego is a byproduct of living Life.
A time will arrive, when water will not be able to flow. The “I” is stuck with its own past experiences unable to let them go so water cannot flow again.
That is the time, when surrendering arrives. Life is no longer bearable as the pressure of the pipe increases with many emotional episodes.
Emotions are energies trapped which will express through the body. Because energies cannot be destroyed, these emotions will appear in different life times.
That is the time when we may learn about releasing energies or transforming them. That is the way to open up the pipe again.
In my experience, a point where Life is unbearable will need to be experienced (surrendering) before Life itself will show us the way out. It is a process. It doesn’t happen magically all at once. If it was all at once, it will be extremely painful as we couldn’t hold on to the armors that gave us a personality.
Since we are dealing with energy and not with concepts, different types of energy work may be needed. In my case, I am in tune with sound. Tibetan singing bowls have been very helpful. There are some practitioners who are working with ethereal beings/energies, many times unknowingly. They have been “chosen.” Through those individuals is how healing may happen at some level. Their mission in Life, is to provide emotional healing to those who are ready.
Hypnosis could be helpful as well, to remove some traumatic experiences from childhood. There are many non-traditional ways. Experiment. Be aware.
“Releasing” occurs in many ways. Sometimes is through crying. Sometimes screaming, sometimes through a sharp feeling that something came out. Other times, is subtle, as we resume Life, those things which used to be triggers will not be felt like that anymore.
It is important to keep the rational mind away, for we will not be open to express. The conditioning of “A man does not cry or a woman should be always a lady” will be there unless we allow ourselves to express raw, and be Ok with whatever is being felt.
Rationality and rational “solutions” or any sort of “numbing” will not go to the root.
The “methods” that Life uses to remove the dirt from the pipe are always unique. Openness is necessary for if we use our judgment, it is truly conditioned.
Feel from your gut, if it is “right” for you and allow it to happen. Trust Life… 🙂
Because our society is living in the mind, we tend to hide our emotions as dust is hidden under a carpet.
To promote that humans are “rational” beings may be a lie. In the “office” world we may act rational but not in “real Life.”
For instance, we may know that death will arrive sooner or later. If a son dies before the father, we may label that as “untimely” or “premature.” Our minds have an expected pattern. If the father dies before the son, even though the pattern has been respected, even though the son knows the father will die first; when the day comes for the father to depart, the son may break down emotionally.
Where is the “rationality” then? Isn’t death natural? The solution may be in taking refuge in the “future.”
A religion may talk about the “future.” “Now” does not matter. The “future” is important. Many things could happen to a person “now” but forget about it. This behavior closes the capacity to feel. It is the perfect scenario to put up the “tough” face despite living with a melting heart.
In the opposite side, a “self-help book” may acknowledge our emotional side. “It is OK to express how you feel,” nevertheless; the trauma created is unexplored.
If a child is aware that his father has passed away, we could tell him: “God has called your daddy.” Frustration and anger may develop in that child for that idea of God, but our belief may be that we are helping him to deal with his pain.
We are incapable of explaining that death is as natural as living and death can arrive to anyone at any time. Because “you” are here now, “you” will not be. Simple, rational.
Give him a hug with empathy, allowing him to feel support. That is compassion when it is no rehearsed.
As everything in Life, every experience will go away, and we will move on, we will evolve… unless we decide to keep that experience as a trauma.
That is my recent discovery about Life: Be there emotionally, allow the inner child to express, but at the same time, be there rationally, allowing the inner parent to hold the child. Both archetypes are inside us.
One more thing: The only time that matters is the “now.”
The past or the future are for the mind. To be in the “now” means to be “out of the mind.” For that, we may embrace “what is” without looking for explanations or pretty beliefs to cover things up…. We may express our feelings and compassion “now,” in that way; rationality embraces emotionality and both together may heal and integrate into the Totality. As individuals we can only see biased fragments of the Totality, that distortion creates the trauma of the “I.”
Thus, integration into the Totality is how the “I” is healed, for it means to see the Ocean rather than segmenting it and focusing only on a drop of it.
“What are the causes of overeating and being overweight? I am curious to know about it from a spiritual angle.”
Thank you for your question.
First, Ahnanda does not write from any particular angle. You may believe that this is the “spiritual” angle; but then what is “spiritual”?
What is spirituality? Who decided to coin that name related with “spirits” rather than human beings?
When we are aware that we are endlessly dividing one self into body, spirit, soul, etc. we will realize that one “part” cannot be without the other.
It is senseless to “limit” spirit from the body out of a mental idea. In “reality” body/spirit/ soul are together for human beings to manifest in the physical realm.
Ahnanda writes about Life and is interested in living Life in a sensible way. For me, that is the art to know and “practice.” That is why this blog is titled “Exploring the depth of Living” rather than “exploring spirituality.”
Now into your question…
“Overeating”is the keyword in your question.
“Why do we overeat?” Some anxious belief in being “better,” a need of being rewarded, the compulsion of savoring a permissible pleasure of Life which is “OK” in our society, as many other pleasures may be considered “wrong,” “bad,” “taboos.”
Observe that I am not telling you the “cause” or the “causes.” I am just observing your question in myself. That is my experience of overeating.
No need to find “reasons” and be “rational” about it, when dealing with “emotions.”
If we were AWARE that our hands are feeding us and then aware of how we eat our meals, then that AWARENESS will cure us from overeating. But because we are not AWARE, our compulsions, anxieties and need for gratification will cloud our consciousness. Our emotions will dictate our compulsive behavior.
Did that sound like “Psychology 101”?
Sorry about that. It is not. I am not researching “others” and testing on demographic samples. I am just observing, watching myself.
How do we label that? Under which angle do we classify that “activity”?
Curiosity is a good thing to “get the answer,” but to wonder may be the key to “have the answer.”
Because curiosity looks for answers. When we wonder, we are observing, fascinated by just that. It is in that AWARENESS how the answer arrives, for there is no need to answer what haven’t been questioned.
You just know. 🙂
Carmen is a new parent. She said to me: “No one is teaching me how to be a parent… this information should be pushed into the school system and beyond.”
Even though she has “good intentions” behind her statement; observe that she is already caught up with the system: The information on how to be a parent is pushed from another source, to be “right.”
Carmen was praising all the books that she read which “helped her” practically.
Carmen read a book about “a prosperous attitude towards money, so money could flow in life, by getting rid of different beliefs that she was inculcated when she was a kid,” However, my friend could not use that information into her parenting situation.
Carmen lacked Life experience. She has theory in her mind, a very good paragraph of “wisdom,” but she is unable to apply it in different aspects of her Life.
Most human beings have developed many traumas when children. Parents did the best they knew; but that wasn’t enough. Hang ups, taboos, beliefs and so on were transmitted from their parents. Therefore, that is what will be transmitted to their kids. It is unconscious. Why? Because we are not aware.
Many times a child will be rebellious towards his parents. He will not go along with their “ideas,” unfortunately; that child does not realize that to reject his parent’s ideas will only make that trauma stronger. There is no experience of that, no awareness.
Then the “traditional good idea” comes. “If I knew how to be a parent, I will help others to do the same.”
That is very shallow. This is not just information that we pass along like in the “office world” when we get ready to take a test to be a “certified” parent.
Your awareness is needed. If you are aware of the baggage inside you, you will start with you. Look at your issues. Then, your “true self” will be displayed for your kids; not the behavior which you learned in a book, which is not truly you. Just because you know information, it doesn’t mean that you ARE that.
I am not saying that we should wait until we solve our internal issues to become a parent either. This is not a “black or white” “solution.” Just be aware that as you ARE, you will be matched by Life with a partner and that is what is “right” for you. That experience will teach you something, and then your consciousness will move on until… you are able to see yourself as you ARE: Then the process of dissolution of ego starts.
“But how do I help others?”
By allowing them to go through their own process in Life. That is free of judgments.
Let me be clear: The thought of helping others or teaching others, is just self-gratification. Life puts the teacher when the student is ready; BUT neither the teacher nor the student know about those labels, so they are free from the cage that those labels imply. It is that freedom what makes the internal change.