Question by reader: Daydreaming, jealousy and pleasure
“Let me share my today’s experience. I felt good for an event for which I should not feel good. I heard about a girl who Is going through rough patches in her married life. Around 2-3 years back there were talks about our marriage among our relatives but that did not happen. I was quite neutral about this outcome.
Now my question:
How to avoid this jealous feeling when I trying to experience the moment I m just feeling happy. I don’t mean that I want to feel sorry for her, but still it can’t be happiness because of her misery.
how to put strict ban on daydreaming. I am not able to do that cos it gives me pleasure.
Thanks in advance.”
Thank you for your question for the common good.
Happiness is a label. The feeling of happiness is not a label.
When we are referring to the label, there is an opposite: Suffering. That is duality.
When we live in the moment, happiness as a feeling “is” when “we” are not there. There is no duality. If “we are” there duality will be there as well.
Please read the above paragraph many times until it makes sense.
When “we are” there then the whole web of relationships based on “I” will come up such as: My wife, my pet, my country, etc.
There is an experience that someone is experiencing. Why that experience has to be “yours”?
It will be “yours” if there is an “I” in between. Add the “social conventions” that we have learned (feel bad or good in certain situations) and then you have a good motive to strengthen the livelihood of your ego.
Feel empathy if you would, but happiness is not dependent on external situations.
If the above does not make any sense, there is no problem. If you would like a method to understand the above, stop looking for there is none.
It just happens when you are ready.
Observation is needed to become ready.
The “I felt good for something that I shouldn’t” is unnecessary. Observe that “you” felt good when someone you knew was not doing well. That is all.
Now, do not put a label such as: “I am bad” or an emotion such as “I feel guilty.”
That stuff will take you away from observing what is.
You already found the emotion behind it: Jealousy.
That means that your self-worth was increased in your mind when the girl who apparently was going to be your wife in an arranged marriage, had a rough time in her marriage with another.
Perhaps you think that you are neutral about this, but deep inside, you have some lingering emotions.
If you are single and have nobody with you yet, the thought of being “Mr. right” for her or for someone will bring many fantasies. It just happens to be her the focus of your fantasy.
That is something that you will need to find out by observing your own situation.
If you are in a relationship with someone, perhaps it is not that deep for you and the emotional outlet is there with the thought of her.
That is all.
Observation without judgments is very important to understand the issue.
That understanding will bring your own liberation from daydreaming, nevertheless; because you enjoy the movie in your head, it still will happen unless you become aware of the moment that it is occurring.
It is in the awareness right in the moment, when it is happening how you could decide to go on with the fantasy or choose to play “Nintendo” instead. 🙂
Without that instant awareness the fantasy will go on.
Note that daydreaming brings an emotional rush, which has the potential to bring you “up” or “down.”
In a way, you are having a “relationship” with her although it is all in your mind, the emotions that you feel are real and that is what brings the need to repeat the experience, which you call “pleasurable.”
With those emotions, you may feel alive.
Our minds could create a world for ourselves, a world to suit our emotional needs when these are not fulfilled in the “real world.” However, a relationship with someone comes down to sharing things:
Washing the dishes together, paying the bills, taking the garbage out, doing something for each other, having fun together, growing together etc.
If that is not happening, then it is all in your mind and if you are aware of it, then the fantasy will stop as when we wake up from a dream.
Jealous about jealousy
A reader asked about an “elaboration” on jealousy: How it generates, how it works and how to get rid of it.
The sharing offered comes out of observing that emotion in motion…
Why do I feel jealous?
Because there is a separation between me and another.
That separation brings a feeling of “competing” with another, rivalry to a person or a need to posses a person. The need to dominate.
You cannot be jealous of things.
When we feel that someone is not part of our “group” or does not belong to our “circle” and we consider that person a rival, then there is jealousy when something “good” has happened to the perceived “rival.”
Observe how you separate from a person. Observe the feeling of competition coming in you. Observe how that rivalry takes over which will not allow you to enjoy their advancements.
For this type of jealousy to occur, there has to be comparison going on in our minds. That comparison brings the feeling that we need to “keep up,” that we need to be “better,” we need to “dominate.”
This type of jealousy is observed everywhere: at work, in the religious group, among relatives, friends, etc.
Ralph is a computer geek. He boasts about his computer knowledge with everyone and that is how he maintains a “status” as an “expert” at work. Ralph challenges his supervisor constantly. Ralph is jealous because Ralph believes that his supervisor does not have the knowledge that he has, but yet he is supervising him. Ralph is not willing to follow his supervisor’s directions and becomes confrontational.
Eve and Joyce belong to a religious group. Eve has always admired Joyce’s way of speaking and addressing the public in her religious talks. Eve wants to be as popular as Joyce, but her gift of public speaking is not as efficient. Eve feels jealous every time someone from the public congratulates Joyce.
The teacher said in the classroom. “I want to congratulate Carl, today. He is the only one who has scored 100 in the test. The rest of you have the possibility to become like him. Just study harder to keep up with him.”
The teacher unwillingly has set up the right environment for jealousy if Carl has any “competitors” there.
This type of jealousy can advance into cowardice. Once a jealous individual acknowledges that he/she cannot keep up with his/her rival, then “back stabbing” will be used as a way of dealing with his own jealousy.
There is jealousy in “loving” relationships as well.
Sandra is “in love” with Mark. One day, Tracy comes in and Mark makes a comment about her beautiful watch. Sandra is present and she starts feeling jealous. Sandra has not gotten such a compliment from him. The word “beautiful” towards another woman, even though it was about a watch, is something that Sandra cannot take very well.
Sandra cannot stand the thought that Mark could express something nice about another woman. Sandra has to be his “everything.”
When there is no complete possession, because of a rival, there is jealousy.
Thus, how do we get rid of that jealousy?
Simply by recognizing that it is there when it appears. Simply by recognizing that “rivalry” has arrived.
When we are aware of its presence and just observe it; that sensation will go away by itself. Normally, what we do is we react immediately with pain and suffering or we think about it and give “life” to that sensation. “How is it possible for Mark to say that about Tracy? I feel disappointed. Mark is not loyal with me… etc.” Greater quantity of thoughts means grater fire to ignite dormant emotions.
Thus, the main problem is not feeling jealous, but the sense of insecurity, lack of self-esteem, self-worth which is expressed every time we compare to another.
Once those hidden emotions are understood through looking in our lives those episodes where those emotions were triggered, then we are making the necessary steps to understand the self.
For example, the sense of insecurity may have come to Sandra when she was left by her father, when Sandra was a 7-year-old kid. Sandra felt that she could not rely on people anymore. Therefore, when Sandra finds someone like Mark and feels that now Mark is all for “her,” Sandra is covering that insecurity with someone. When that someone does not meet her “criteria,” then Sandra feels disappointed, then that evolves into anger for she feels betrayed even though it is an insignificant thing for a grown up… however for Sandra’s inner child, it is not. 🙂
The above is just an example of the type of work that we need to be willing to do to understand ourselves.
Once we recognize that the source of jealousy is not really jealousy in itself caused by “others,” we can see that we need to find out the cause of that jealousy in ourselves.
“We” are the problem and the solution.
Question for June 17, 2013 – Jealousy
Though in gyan , sometimes the old sanskar of jealousy does crop up and i get into negative thinking , when “people close to me become close to others ” so after reminding myself that each one role is fixed in drama and i cannot expect ,i need to have a broad mind etc etc,,i tend to cope up of the situation.But i see bcoz of this dramatic hush of emotions ,i found that while in sleep ,have continuous dreams ,not able to wake up in the morning as the dreams are continuing….my question is what actually is happening and how can i change for better.
Thank you for your question.
Emotions are indeed a powerful means to re-live the past with added events or even to create anxiety about the future.
A strong emotion while awake could continue on while you sleep as dreams.
The issue is to be able to observe when an emotion comes up. For instance, your voice may change. You may become excited or physically you may feel a pain or a new sensation.
Most of the time, those emotions appear unchecked. The easiest way to become conscious of their appearance is to experience a peaceful stage. Allow yourself to experience aloneness, to be away from everything and feel that stage of being. For me, I find that when I am in Nature or after a profound meditation.
Maintain that stage of being as much as possible by being aware of it. Then, when an emotional trigger comes up, you will be able to realize that is there, because it changes the way you feel.
That is all. Once you know it is there; just acknowledge its presence. No need to call that emotion with names.
There is another way to go over emotions or the triggers of those things which cause emotions, and that is by experiencing “emptiness.” When you are “empty” those emotions will pass through you, so you will not react. That is your mind is calm to the extent that thinking becomes very slow, almost none and you are “busy” experiencing that “sweet” emptiness.
Let us talk about jealousy.
Jealousy is a sense of not feeling secure. It is fear in disguise. With jealousy there is a sense of wanting to posses that which we are afraid will go away or comparing with another and feeling “lower than.”
That sensation creates the emotion. If that emotion is strong, it will continue affecting you even through your unconscious.
Anything you may think about that “could happen” is just an illusion.
Trying to go across the river through your thoughts without actually getting into the bridge to go over, is an illusion.
To live in the past or the future are illusions.
em>Om Shanti Bhaiya.. I had written to you about my question in the last week. Can you please reply for the same brother.. I repeat my question : What is the difference between power and silence?
Your question has been answered here: