Tagged: marriage
Living Life through symbols
The word “marriage,” is just a symbol. The experience of the word “marriage” is different among individuals. We could define “marriage” but that definition may not fit the feelings of some individuals. A definition restricts, encloses an experience.
The “office world” is plentiful of symbols.
Have you seen a $20-dollar bill?
That is a symbol. The value “20” could mean anything, but it is defined through comparison with other bills. “Value” is the new symbol. That is exactly what we do when we judge another person, when we compare ourselves with another through our “value.” The mind uses symbols to live Life, nevertheless; that is an artificial Life.
Did you know that numbers do not exist in “real Life”?
You see 7 trees. The mind is counting. So what?
“Those 7 trees mark my property. I could sell each tree for $100 dollars each and give a discount of $5 for the purchase of quantities above 2. What a bargain!”
Consider this: “Your property,” “dollars,” “bargain,” “discount,” are ideas created to live our “office world” under certain premises, under certain conditioning.
When we start awakening, symbols will be recognized and thus let go.
Why?
Because the mind defines everything it perceives.
“But that is good! That give us certainty. That give us the ability to communicate according to established, defined patterns…”
That is correct, but at the same time; it is not “real” just symbolic.
Trees cannot exist without sunshine, without proper soil, without air… The manifestation that we see is labeled as the “tree,” but the inter-relatedness of everything that makes the tree is forgotten. There is more than a tree in a tree… There is a “four” … 🙂
What is the practical realization of the above?
In Life what you feel is “real.” In the “office world,” thoughts, concepts, ideas, ideals are “real.”
Definitely different worlds.
“I don’t get it… what is the brilliant discovery?”
The “office world’s gurus” dictate: “Choose to be happy.” Tell yourself: “I choose to live in gratitude and joy at every moment in my Life.”
Does it work?
Nope. Just words, symbols. Although good enough ideas for “best sellers.”
“Why it doesn’t work?”
It is the mind behind it, not the feelings.
Happiness is a feeling. Happiness is not a “choice” which is a thought.
“Choosing” between “happiness” and “sorrow” is about choosing between symbols, words; but the true experience which is a feeling is overlooked.
A thought cannot change a feeling. Different worlds.
With the simplicity of that statement, many “self-help” ideas are discarded.
Do you believe me?
Please do not make this a religious thing. See it in yourself. 🙂
Your concept is your own trap
Marriage is a concept based on agreement. Marriage will give an illusion of security, which “real Life,” easily breaks apart. That wide space between the security of the law and human emotions is what brings all sorts of suffering, soap operas and dramas.
In a nutshell, it is the old fight between the mind and the heart.
As a concept, marriage is neither good nor bad. It is a standard of society, which has an additional religious support to add “holiness” to it. The bottom line has always been, the way the protagonists (typically man and woman) feel about each other. Feelings are real. All the externalities amount to nothing; nevertheless, appearances are important to fit into the double face standards of society.
If John Doe has an “extra marital affair” with Mary Moe; no one cares. But if, Mr. Olympic Gold medalist has an affair with someone; then he is repudiated by the same people who praised him. His face is taken away from all the kids’ cereal boxes and TV commercials. His status is lowered.
Why?
Because he is no longer “an example.” By being Mr. Olympic medalist, he signed up automatically to be a representative of society’s moral standards. He became an icon like a “saint,” for others to follow.
An aware individual learns to respect the law, society’s moral standards and traditions but he does not limit himself by them. Those things are not binding limits, but references. An aware individual is beyond the labeling of “this is good, and that is bad,” for that labeling is a limit, just like a concept or a definition. That is what I’d like to call “intelligence.” Want a definition? 🙂 Intelligence is the capacity to harmonize the “external” with the “internal.”
In the “office world,” concepts, definitions, labels are very important; but outside that realm; those things are just limits.
Beliefs are the first layer of unlearning for a new consciousness. Not because “beliefs are bad,” but because they are limits helping to delimit the “I.”
As limits are left aside, there is greater space for openness; which means less “I” which in turn will bring the opportunity to be whatever we want to be in Life… and not to be it, at any time.
Such freedom “to be and not to be” is the product of encompassing the full journey of the “yes” and the “no.” Once you know both, you are free from the limits of them. That is freedom from the known.
As long as you only know one side, you will reject the other…. Until you experience it, in your own skin; then there is change of BEING.
Such is the depth of experiences in Life, which our society and moral standards cannot fit.
“The son of a bitch, becomes man’s best friend.” Isn’t that paradoxical?
Just like Life. 🙂
The immoral solution
Following up with the article from last Monday. The other side of the coin.
Janet is married with Tom. Janet feels unsatisfied with her marriage. She does not feel attracted to her husband anymore. Her sexual Life with him is almost none. She wants a way out, but she doesn’t go away “because of her children,” she thinks.
Janet wants to be the martyr.
Harry comes along and Janet feels attracted to him and his suave manners. “One thing leads to another” and the attraction ends in sex between them. Even though there is no love between Janet and Harry, Janet found an outlet for her passion, and Harry an opportunity to “practice.”
Tom is busy making money to support his children, unaware of what is going on. Unaware of his wife, after all she belongs to him. They are married.
Tom, Janet and Harry live “happily everlasting,” and so, Janet’s children.
Moral of the story: “Cheating” may help a troublesome marriage to endure, as long as you don’t get caught. For the books, Janet “cheated” on her husband Tom; but Tom was never there for her. If Janet gets caught, she will be labeled as a “bitch,” a “woman without morals.” If It was the other way around, Tom will be a “stud,” a secret example for children to follow…of course, just keep it quiet.
Another “true” story?
Karen and Jack are married. Jack wants to “spice things up,” for he feels like trying something new and convinces his wife to join a “swinger” group. Jack was Karen’s first “love.”
Karen feels very hurt, but she doesn’t see a way out of this if she wants to keep Jack with her. Karen agrees to try it.
Jack had a good time, but that is about it. Karen on the other hand, felt what she has never felt before with another guy (i.e. Jack.) Karen wanted to pursue this swinger life style.
Eventually, “swinging” wins and Karen enjoys the “life style” tremendously. She even discovers that she enjoys women as much as man. Rachel became her “best friend.” Jack on the other hand, had enough. Jack discovered that his stamina is lacking. He took all the “blue pills” but his health deteriorates. Karen, Jack and Mary live happily ever after…
What is the moral of the story? Jack of all trades, master of none. If you play with fire, you may get burnt. Jack’s premature ejaculation was the source. He never considered that. Jack’s belief that he has to ejaculate every time, is killing him.
“But… those stories are immoral! How are they going to live “happily ever after”? Marriage, God and the scruples of our society do not go along with those types of Life styles.”
Define marriage. That definition binds you.
“But, that is the way our ancestors did it. We must respect that!”
Can you hide your true feelings? or Live as a martyr for the sake of a tradition, a belief, an ideal? That is the dilemma.
Honesty is the best religion. If you cannot trust your partner with your feelings, you may as well be alone. At least, you could be you.
Many could have lovers, but if your lover is your best friend, perhaps you found something else…
Question: The fear of choosing
“I want to know what my personal situation says about myself. If you don’t mind I would like to share it.
‘Marriage (arranged) happened to me, but from the starting I wasn’t satisfied though my husband is not a bad person and everybody in my family likes him. After that I came with my husband to another country where I met a person whom I liked instantly. Now it’s more than a year but that liking is still there. Now that I am married I can’t express this feeling to the person and ask him out and get to know what he feels for me and whether this liking is mutual. I like the new country, this place and everything and this place and company has provided me exposure to many new things. So I m happy that way.
Now, if i opt out of marriage I would have to go back to my country and to my parents who are quite controlling for my personality. Besides, greater fear is that I would be labeled, as it’s an Indian society. And I don’t know who I will end up with eventually, so that is another fear.’
I understand that you cannot tell me what to do. But please help me understand myself in this situation. Thank you.”
Thank you for your question.
Based on what you have shared and with the shortcomings of my understanding; I will answer this because it may be for the common good. If you haven’t observed your situation, let me bring some points:
You have a pretty good Life. Everyone takes care of you. You probably have plenty of free time, good meals, friends, comfort. You enjoy the new country, you have the company of a “not bad” husband…
What is the issue?
Your mind is telling you that you need something else. Some excitement. Maybe your age, your hormones are playing with your emotions or perhaps, you do not love your husband as you think you should. That is for you to find out.
An episode of attraction to someone flusters your world. You may think that this attraction could lead you into something better, for you have not experienced something like that before. Your mind is weaving the “perfect world” for you with the source of your attraction at this time.
The security of marriage could be one of the greatest jails. It just depends which side you see and embrace.
Observe your dependency. You depend on your husband and your family. You are not free to do as you please.
Sometimes the price of independence is very steep. Are you willing to pay for it? Do you have skills to survive by yourself? You don’t? Maybe that is something to consider.
The mind is taking you to some futuristic events “that may happen.” That is a waste. If the “I” wants to DO something to change things, then that “I” must be willing to fully accept the consequences. This is not about good or bad consequences for that is meaningless in Life. Everything humans come up as “solutions” is dualistic: It could be “good,” or “bad” depending on your perspective. Marriage is one example. The consequences of it are beyond “good or bad.”
Attractions come and attractions go. Don’t think that because you are married or because you found the love of your life, that you are not going to feel attracted to another person. That does not depend on you. What depends on you is the value that you give to that attraction. Your fear increases as your need for security increases.
DOING nothing when unsure, could be the best recipe for that stress and anxiety.
Life does the DOING as long as we are ready for the move. It just takes time, for we take our time.
Communication with your husband may help you. Perhaps he understands the way you feel. He may not be in love with you, but going along with the “arrangement” as well.
Many times our minds are so caught up with human “arrangements” that we label as “Holy,” “Godly,” “Lawful,” “the right thing” etc. that we are unwilling to hear our gut feeling’s voice telling us our truth without using words.
The mind is so busy trying to figure out how we can save face, how we can get away with what we want to experience, despite the lock of the “arrangements” that we have signed up to live by.
Isn’t that the story of the human drama?
You are not alone.
When there is no choice inside you; You will be One with what you truly feel.
All the best.
Question: The person who is “right” for us.
Question: “How to know whether a person is right for us? Does attraction on a physical or mental level has anything to do in a relationship like marriage (presence or lack of it)?”
Thank you for your question.
The meaning of “right for me” will change for every individual.
We are unwilling to acknowledge what Life brings, but rather, have an ideal in our minds (conditioning) that we want for Life to match.
Remember, you may feel attracted to someone, but Life has presented that person in your path, it is not that “you found him/her.” Consider this: You may not feel attracted to a person, but that may be the only option Life has brought to you. You may want a person but he/she may not be interested in you, because “you are not right for him/her.” Then what?
Life will bring potential partners in your Life according to what you ARE and what you need to experience in your journey. Life does not work on human terms such as : “this is right or this is wrong.” All experiences are needed, part of the “resume.”
Attraction is very important at different levels. Attraction has an ample meaning. Without it, love in a couple is like the love a brother has for a sister. There is no fire…. no fireworks.
Does it sound anti-spiritual?
That is because we have been conditioned to deny Dyonisus for the sake of choosing Apollo.
Religions call that, “to choose our good side and to deny our bad side.”
You may choose a man/woman because he/she is nice. “A church going person who fears God;” but there may not be sexual attraction, there is no passion. Or you can choose a “fatal attraction” which may be a high for sometime, but eventually feelings will get hurt and that will kill the passion and the fire will be extinguished in deep resentment.
At some level, we are attracted to that which we repress in ourselves. The striper girl or the “bad ass dude” are attractive to many. Do you see why?
That “choice” of Apollo over Dyonisus is killing our zest for Life. The wild side that everyone has underneath needs to be liberated, acknowledged and be One with the rational, calm, “spiritual” Apollo.
Dyonisius must be One with Apollo. That is a spiritual person. That person has integrated into oneness rather than the infantile denial and repression of our passionate side.
Are you a “right person”? 🙂
Most people are looking for a “complete package” to “buy.” They want looks, body, personality, sexual chemistry, mental stimulation through someone…that list is not enough for some, for financial independence, status,and power could be the “main attraction.”
As you can see, it is not simple for the mind to figure a formula, a paragraph with all the answers. Add to that the fact that “you” may find the “right partner,” but it is not the “right timing” due to some circumstance affecting your Life. See?
In a sentence: It comes down to your feelings.
Are you willing to live with such person? Not because of a “reason,” but because you feel deeply. Not as a need, but as the openness to experience sharing yourself with another.
Not as an escape from yourself, but as the opportunity to know yourself into a deeper level. Not as a social pressure to “get married” but, to experience partnership in the journey of Life. Nothing lasts forever, and so the “right person” may not be after awhile. Life is change. Are you willing to experience that?
Man and woman are 2 opposite electrical poles yearning for completion. That completion is to complement each other. The “right” electrical charge that you will encounter in Life to complement you, will only match your own potential.
Relationships of the “I.”
From yesterday’s example, we could perceive how important is to understand, release emotional traumas and beliefs stagnant in ourselves first, to be able to make something greater than ourselves, that is to be in a relationship with someone.
We already live in relationship in different levels; but the deepest the relationship, the need for less “I” there will be.
Some may need time alone, others will learn even when in a relationship.
Because the “I” is self-centered in his own activities, a deep relationship with another human being becomes a challenge.
The cultural response to this “problem,” has been the “master and servant” relationship.
One “I” has greater weight than the other “I,” the companion.
In many cultures that typically means that a male will be the “boss,” the “provider,” the “wise,” the main character. A female is left for second seat.
Observe that this type of set up is “fool proof,” for it is difficult for an “I” to live with another “I” at the same level, in “equality.”
As human rights activists, change of roles, equality talks etc. have appeared, it is not surprising that commitment in relationships have dropped.
One thing is to say: “would you marry me?” or to let the relatives pick the partner for us, and a different thing is to have that sense or feeling of commitment by becoming aware of all the “lessons” that this commitment will entail.
When we are ready to enjoy that journey in their “ups and downs” completely by always looking at this setting as the opportunity that Life brings to increase our own emptiness from the “ghosts” of the past, perhaps at that point, we may be ready.
Love is related with emptiness as the Ocean is with fish.
The “I” will be able to “love” only as long as the “other” enhances, supports, satisfies the needs of that “I.”
Commitment requires the opening to go beyond that “I.”
It is as if a room full of things, wanted to become “one” with another room full of things. Every room has its own “boxes.” Thus, one “I” needs to be the main figure for the relationship to survive.
It is at that point, where another interesting word has been invented: Compromise.
“Today is your turn and tomorrow it is mine.”
Observe how there are 2 distinct “I”s throughout the relationship trying to play together as a team.
There cannot be depth in that, as the separation is obvious.
Because an “I” may be continuously denied for the sake of the other “I,” then this will create friction, resentment, etc.
What is the solution?
Obviously to be aware that this is a typical process in a relationship. It is the meeting of the “I”s.
Is it “bad”?
No. It is “good.” Live and learn. Many will keep on blaming the “other” rather than looking at themselves, their “buttons” being pushed, their own limits.
It is a learning process, which takes time and commitment.
We could observe that inner work, becomes a very important aspect to be able to relate with another human being, whether the “other” is full of “I” or not.
At one point, we will need to realize that we must look at our own “I.”
To live with another human being is another way to understand our own shortcomings, to empty ourselves.
We cannot learn that through a book, a spiritual class or through a religion. It has to be experienced and the lesson will be learned through the mirror of relationships.
The depth of love is experienced as a by product of that commitment.
Questions from Brahma Kumaris readers
1. Dear brother, I am more than 25 years in gyaan. I go to attend daily class murli at centre once. I do read murli at home. Practically i live alone. Only my dad is here. I cant surrender in centre. I work as teacher in secondary school. I am standing at cross-road of life— whether to marry or not. I am in contact with a BK sister who lives in foreign country. I got her on facebook. I find her a suitable match. She promises for a pure life after marriage. She is 4 years in gyaan. Although she is from poor family background, she is of good character who understands gyaan well. Please advise me to marry or not. Is marriage bad for me? Or is it that according to baba’s murli and latest signal i should not create new accounts? Many thoughts come to my mind when i read murli because of which i become afraid of marriage. Baba is Dharmaraj too. I am willing to marry not for lust but for practical reasons because i am not a surrendered brother. Please do advise me what should i do. Thanking you in anticipation in baba’s yaad, sweet brother.”
Dear reader.
Is Avyakt7´s advice so important to you? Do you feel that Avyakt7´s advice would be able to change your destiny when it has been made already?
To value your understanding of the knowledge that you follow, is vital for your own development.
Best wishes!
2. “I always face dilemmas in making small and big decisions. My mind changes every now and then. After taking decisions I think opposite one would have been better. Like this, it would be very difficult to deal with any situation. Please help me on this. Thanks.”
Dear reader,
As you forget about ¨making decisions,¨ and allow your intuition to take over, to feel what is…then that feeling will be so strong that even if it does not turn out to be as you ¨wanted,¨ it will be the right thing to do according to your destiny and the Universe.
Oneness implies more than “I.”
Best wishes!
3. “baba i want to marraige subhra suman khuntia ,would u request plz give sugges.”
Dear reader.
Unfortunately Avyakt7 is not a match maker 🙂 Please see question 1 above.
Best wishes!
4. “is it something that people who are emotionally weak or less intelligent( i strongly believe that intelligence is not that part which is equally belong by everyone “scientifically”) more prone to spirituality as they looking for extra support to deal with life or expetations created by surrounding,also who are more intelligent can be able to deal with everyday practical life or competition more efficiently which creates ego ( can say “confidence”) can easily say that spirituality is the ” weakness job ” , do we look for”god(imaginary power)” when we are weak , a’companion’ in our weakness, actually we look for it when something is not going on with expectations and we want someone to change for it…. can spiritually be followed by someonne who has everything going on as planned can you have your elaboration on it …”
Dear reader,
Perhaps this conversation between Mathias, the wise tree and Ananda could send some light into your question.
Ananda: If destiny is already made, then what is the function of God?
Mathias: The same as yours…
Ananda: Which one? To experience the experiences of life?
Mathias: To exist
Ananda: But.. that idea that God will help you…
Mathias: It is in you…
Ananda: It is an idea…
Mathias: It depends… If it is in your destiny…
Ananda: If it is in your destiny….yes…But it can be there and then it can go away, it could change..
Mathias: That is what some people call your “fortune.”
Ananda: Yes.. and also ¨Maya,¨(illusion.)
Mathias: That could be for them. But no for you..neither for Mathias. Perhaps Mathias has to ask God for the Sun to come out tomorrow?
Ananda: No friend. The Sun will be there …even though many times we do not see it…
Best wishes!
5. “Dear Brother, What is neutral karma ? How to perform neutral karmas in our daily lives ? And In golden age why is it that there is no consequence of karma ? Even though we are soul concious we still play our part and hence karmas should be associated !! Thank You.”
Dear reader,
Avyakt7 would like to invite you to do a search on “neutral karma” as a keyword in this blog. There are many articles already here which will answer your questions…
Best wishes!
Exploring the Depth of Living 