It was noon. The Sunlight appeared bringing some smiles. It was finally escaping from the prolonged grayness of Winter time. Many times in Life, we miss that which is now gone and take that for granted while with us. There, we live in the realm of memories. What is not real anymore, becomes our reality.
The disciple and the master were observing a plant in a flowerpot. The master said:” Today you look a little distant. Are you alright?”
The disciple looked down and said: “ My little brother had an ejaculation for the first time. He is feeling guilty for he masturbated. I put off our talk so I could think what to tell him. I feel uncomfortable and I do not know what to say since I am his big brother.”
The master listened to his disciple, took a few seconds and responded: “ I understand. What is your experience with masturbation?”
The disciple felt uncomfortable, that was a taboo conversation but he found some courage and said: “ I also masturbated at one time. I don’t know why I felt guilty. I used to pray to God asking for forgiveness as I couldn’t help it. It became a habit like an addiction and I felt depleted of energy as time went on. Now that habit is gone, but I understand that my spiritual efforts and inner changes have helped me to perceive and feel sexuality from a different perspective and I am afraid that my brother will take my experience and my current state as something better than his and feel guilty about it. I don’t want for him to feel guilt as I did.”
The master could understand his disciple’s emotions and said: “ Sexuality is an expression. That is all. That expression could be loving, violent, ugly, lustful, pleasurable, and any other adjective you could think of. That expression expresses who we are. Nothing else. You cannot be violent one day and loving another day through sex. That is an illusion. You are what you are and the expression will be there until your BEING changes.
There is the ideal of sexuality which is the loving expression, but there is a reality at this time as well; where many do not know what love is. Guilt arrives when the ideal is not your experience: When you unconsciously feel as if your vitality runs away even though you only look for pleasure, or when you realize that your promises not to indulge in that act, cannot be kept.”
The disciple knew that to be his case, but knew that others did not have that same experience. The disciple asked:” Master, how is it that others do not experience the same as I did?”
The master replied:”That is the wonder of consciousness. It is different for every individual. It is a matter of sensibility. There are some who can murder animals or even people, consciously without feeling any remorse. Completely unaware of the consequences. Those cannot feel the same as you but yet those are human beings the same as you are. In that realization, is how compassion arises. They require different answers to the same questions that you have. Therefore, answers are according to the level of consciousness of a person.”
Then the master immediately changed the conversation :”Do you see that plant in the pot? Like a child, its growth depends on someone else ’s care. We can water the plant, give it nourishment so it will grow and blossom. Guilt, shame and self righteous beliefs associated with fear of sexuality will only make that water leak at the bottom of that pot continuously. The nourishment will be gone. Do you understand?”
The disciple understood that comparison quite well, but still did not know how to approach and advise his brother. He wanted to hear clear cut ‘words of wisdom’ from his master and repeat that to his little brother.
The disciple said: “What do I tell my brother, then?”
The master smiled and said: “ That depends on you. There are no right or wrong answers. Perhaps tell him your experience, in that way he will know something different and more reliable than the typical social conditioning and peer pressure. Remember that what is truly important is your intention. If you intend to suppress his experience by inflicting fear and guilt, it will make him fearful and guilty if he trusts you. That water will leak at the bottom of the pot. On the other hand, if you congratulate him for he has reached a new stage in his life, where he is capable of bringing new life in a loving relationship; and tell him about the value of his seed for his own health and well being; you will be helping him by nourishing his growth. After all, that experience is only his to go through just like you had your own.”
The disciple said: “Master, sex could be very pleasurable and addictive…”
The master responded: “ Remember that pleasure is the prelude of pain and vice versa. That is the reality of duality that we are meant to experience in Life. Avoidance of both sides, is not living Life. While most will pursue only one side of that duality, the other side is unavoidable. Therefore, BE in the middle. Experiences are meant to be experienced but if you are a conscious human being, you will notice when there is no harmony in your life. That realization will steer you towards the balancing act. Nevertheless; as your spiritual stage increases you will be able to hold your seed at will naturally, and released it at will. That is the other side of the coin, which is seldom experienced.”
The disciple had one more question to redeem himself. He didn’t know how to put it, but he took the chance: “Master,” he said, “is masturbation bad?”
The master looked at him with tenderness and said: ” That is not a human moral issue where we label something as right or wrong. Do you remember the talk we had about the limits of adaptation in Life? To explore yourself and your potential is not bad, is not wrong. The intention behind the action drives the quality of it. However, if this becomes a compulsive habit then you are cutting yourself off from the complete experience while draining your life force. That is a consequence not a punishment. Learn from your own experience. What humans call ‘problems’ will evolve in different ways with different individuals. In your case, it went to side A, for others it will be the opposite, side B. For both sides, a learning experience will come out only if you are attentive, aware.”
“In the article of “Human Problems” you said that consider Life as a “GAME” and play it, which is a way to enjoy it. At one place, I find it completely okay and valid, and have experimented with it to some extent, but even after considering life as Game, I don’t enjoy it, I don’t find where the problem is, because even in Game there is a fear of losing and ego of winning, a target to achieve, and then the stress about the target, my simple question is what kind of Game is this Ahnanda? Even after knowing that it is simply a game and nothing else why are we not able to enjoy it and consider it a burden or a struggle most of the times.”
Thank you for your questions.
Realize that you don’t enjoy Life despite “knowing” that it is a game. That is all. Enjoy that realization! 🙂
No? Then, become AWARE of how your mind is not allowing you to enjoy through all the conditioning in it.
Social conditioning is shaping your perception of the word “game.” A game is something we do for distraction, amusement, entertainment.
However, in our society a game is a form of competitive sport or play, according to rules to “win” and decided by skill, strength, luck or politics.
You perceive “game” to be this option. However, it is not the only option.
It is your conditioned mind the one that will not allow you to enjoy, for “normal” conditioning in our society expects objectives, achievements, betterment or gains in anything.
To enjoy Life is the same as to enjoy “yourself.” Thus, if you don’t enjoy Life, you do not enjoy yourself. We are one with Life.
” In the article “The game of Sexual “problems” and “solutions.” You have said that “Sexuality is only an outcome of who we ARE.
If we are a pure soul, the outcome of it, sexuality as you say, should also be a pure thing. If we are a silent consciousness, the outcome, sexuality, also should be something very silent thing, if we are an emptiness, sexuality also should be an emptiness.
I am seriously not able to frame my question here but still, if our sexuality can be who we are then why it is condemned, as a homosexual, I have been condemned like hell. Even spiritual people consider it something very unnatural to be sexually attracted towards a human being, is that invalid thing when you are trying to be a spiritual person?”
Observe that you don’t have a question, but a complaint. If you ARE homosexual, then that is who you ARE in a limited vision. Acknowledge it. Society plays the game of beliefs, taboos, morality, etc. If you don’t fit those, you will be rejected. Play the game in society by being aware of those “rules.” That is all. No need to reject anyone, for the game will change. It always does. Have you noticed that every single human being does not fit the “ideal” that society is selling? Ideals are of the mind. Life is beyond the constraint of a conditioned mind.
Label yourself as something (Christian, homosexual, democrat, asian, etc.) and you will have supporters as well as opposition. That is the game.
If “spiritual people” consider unnatural to be attracted to a person, then they are not humans or reject their own humanity.
If a human being denies his own humanity for the sake of some ideal, that person cannot know who he IS. Without that, how spiritual someone could be?
While you are in this physical world, play the game of the physical world, not the game of a non-physical world. To be that honest with yourself is to be “spiritual.”
Of course, naturally someone may not feel attraction for another human being. That is fine too. The issue is when someone who feels attraction pretends not to feel it, because he wants to DO what someone else IS naturally. That is called Ego but also “spirituality.”
“One last question, it is true that even after having sex and masturbation many times in life, we aren’t content with it, what is the way to be content with it, or finding some method to reach a state of celibacy in a natural way is a solution to this? Please note that I am not talking about enforced celibacy here, I have tried that, it doesn’t work in my case.”
Are you making your lack of enjoyment into a problem?
You have some many ideals and concepts in your mind. That is the “problem.”
Empty your mind from so much information, so many beliefs.
Celibacy is the opposite of Sex. That is how the mind works when it finds a “problem” in sex, it goes to the opposite for a “solution.”
In the last article, it was mentioned about identifying the energy of anger that moves most individuals in society. Why is there anger? Because something about a person does not fit the ideal of society. In your case, homosexuality.
For most, Sex becomes just a way to pacify the suffering of the mind and not a way to complete their enjoyment of Life.
All experiences have value for our own growth. Thus, in Life there is no such a thing as “good or bad, right or wrong,” but those labels exist in the game of society. Every human being is in a different position in the path of self-realization. There is variety of experiences.
Observe yourself. Enjoy the experiences, for they will change. They always do, for Life is change. Try anything you think will help you… Trust Life. That is part of your experience, there will be growth through that.
AWARENESS is not something to practice. It is something to be aware of…
How to make sense of that sentence? We heard so much about being AWARE, but all we have are beliefs, interpretations, concepts, information of what that is thus, useless stuff for self-realization.
“Useless” is the right word. It has to be experiential to be able to understand, to know.
Here is an “exercise.” It is not something to “practice.” It is something to fully experience. If you cannot fully experience it, if you cannot let yourself go, then repeat it again.
Find a full size mirror, those that will allow you to observe most of your physical body.
If you are fully clothed, you will probably be alright. The conditioning is to look at the clothes to see if they are wrinkled, if they match, if they look good on you, etc.
Now, take your clothes off. Observe your body and your face fully while doing this “exercise.” Did you notice your tummy? The size of your sexual organs? The color of your skin? The wrinkles in your face?
Did you notice how you feel while observing those elements of your body?
AWARENESS resides in that.
Did you feel shame? Did you blush and feel embarrassed?
In that moment, that is who YOU are.
Isn’t it silly to get embarrassed by looking at your own body?
That is where the hang up resides. Look for the root of it.
Did you like your body?
That is sick! You are supposed to like someone else’s body but not your own. Perhaps you have some homosexual issues… huh?
That’s it! You found another trauma. Go to the root of it. A body is a body. There is beauty in the body. Appreciate it. Enjoy the moment.
Want to go on with the exercise?
OK. Caress your face while looking at the mirror. What do you feel? Caress your chest. What do you feel? Caress your sexual organs. What do you feel?
Masturbation is “bad”! I shouldn’t touch myself! Do you recognize that thought? What is the difference between touching your face and your sexual organs? Find the beliefs, the taboos. Observe how you feel. Be aware of it.
How could you enjoy pleasure with all of those hang ups, taboos and beliefs in morality and decency?
You cannot. Your mind will not allow you. It is not the ACTION what makes something “sinful.” It is what you feel while DOING it.
How do you “love yourself” if you cannot accept what you see and what you feel by touching your own precious body?
Do you take care of it? Now you are aware…
Want to go deeper? Now self-pleasure yourself in front of the mirror. Look at your face but even more important, observe what you feel. Observe the taboos, the moral standards, the traumas flowing…
Do you feel shame? How about guilt? Someone watching you?
Be AWARE of all of that to discover who you truly are.
Observe how all of that inside you is being covered by decent words, spiritual concepts, Godly morality, that stuff is defining you, coercing you to comply with the conditioning. Discover the root of it, liberate yourself!
There cannot be innocence while looking at your image in that mirror and caressing yourself, until that rust accumulated over many Life experiences, is cleaned up, cleared. For that stuff will be the “inheritance” you will give to others close to you.
Become AWARE of that.
“I am observing that most of your articles involve “ego.” The English meaning is little positive, referred as self-esteem or self-importance. But the Hindi meaning says “ahankar” which is a very negative word sometimes associated with the character of Ravan in Ramayan. Your articles also present it in somewhat positive way. However it is considered as a vice by most religions. And there is another thing called “arrogance”. Can you differentiate between ego and arrogance?”
Ego is the part of your identity that you consider your “self.” It is the “I.”
You are caught up with finding what is “positive” and “negative,” or “good and bad.”
Your assessment of my articles is that I present ego “in a somewhat positive way.”
Ahnanda is not concerned about that duality of positive or negative. Ahanda is not a moralist. Ego is neither positive nor negative and those exact words are in many of my articles.
If you look at the meaning of ego, you will find different meanings according to different traditions and schools of thoughts. (For instance, Indian vs. American and schools such as psychology, philosophy, religious meanings, etc.)
Ahnanda is not concerned with any of those meanings. When Ahnanda says the “I,” then look upon yourself and understand what YOU call “I.” That is all. This is not philosophy or a moralistic debate.
Whether ego is considered a “vice” by most religions; is not a concern of mine, for those religions are trapped in the duality of “vice and virtue.”
Even though I have written several times that one side of a duality cannot exist without the other and that truly both sides are only ONE but with different degrees, even though that is logical, reasonable, still it may not be understood.
Your “positive vs. negative” is like saying that day is positive and night is negative. Day is virtue and Night is vice.
You pick virtue, you want only virtue in your life and reject vice with all your heart… but what happens? Night will come after day. Do you see that?
For God’s sake… Why do you reject something that will be experienced anyway? So you can suffer and feel “guilty”?
Do you see that the separation of day and night is only a mental thing, meant to describe in “black or white” words something that cannot be pinned down so easily?
Because there is continuous movement. The word “Night” does not consider the different degrees of “night” that could be.
There is no single “positive” thing in the world, which haven’t brought its opposite. Every “positive” religion has brought up a reactionary movement of “negativity.” What was the origin of so much negative stuff? The positive thing.
What is the origin of a positive God? A negative Devil. They cannot live without each other. Religions need that duality to preserve the fight, the effort, the battle.
You ask: “What is the difference between ego and arrogance?”
I respond: What is the difference between the Ocean and “ a beach ?
As you wished, that was a simple answer.
Question on the article “out of your control.”
“…Let’s say I enjoy having sex, but if I don’t control that urge (that urge is in the mind), I will end up being a sex freak, masturbating everyday, visualizing people without clothes while walking (Few people have ended up doing rapes of women because of this uncontrollable urge). So in this particular case, we ought to control our mind. Controlling few things in life is necessary.”
Ok. Then control things that you “decide” to control.
Control the mind from sex? Why do you want to do that?
Just because you may masturbate all day and think about naked people?
You overeat and you want to control that. The “solution” is not to control your eating, but to find out in which moment overeating came to you, what was the trigger. That is, to go into your mind.
Look: What is “wrong” about thinking about naked people?
It is your belief in a particular morality. There is nothing wrong with naked people, but your morality is the issue, what your mind has learned to consider to be “good, positive, virtuous,“ etc.
If you are repressing your own nakedness, you will be thinking about it. If you are not, if to be naked or not is not an issue for you, your mind will not be able to create a duality.
Why do you masturbate all day?
Because you are frustrated that sex is not giving you the satisfaction that you aim. Sex is pleasurable but it frustrates you. Your mind wants more but your body and the circumstances are unable to offer that.
Basically, your mind is sick and you want to “control it.”
What do you want to control? Control your need to masturbate all day. Control your need to think about naked people all day.
That is, repress yourself.
Wouldn’t be a more elegant approach, to heal your sick mind?
How do you start?
By emptying it in silence.
By allowing it to slow down.
By using it to retrieve past information when needed and put it away afterwards.
Your feelings increase
Your capacity for enjoyment increases
Your mind decreases… so, it becomes healthier.
With your capacity to enjoy, sex is no longer mental, then it becomes fulfilling, for your whole body, your whole being is involved an not just your mind and your sexual organ looking for a frenetic “orgasm,” which is only and empty release of tension…
By throwing away your prudish views of the body, you may learn to appreciate and enjoy the human form, to see its beauty and perhaps your sex/masturbation may no longer be a possessive, relentless pursue of mental stimuli.
Control is neither “good nor bad.”
To control brings the experience of repression. To be aware of repression brings greater awareness.
When you are aware, there is no need to control.
Best to you…
“Will you elaborate on what is the ultimate aim of life. , And if you believe in 5000 year cycle then should the aim told in brahma Kumaris be true and to be followed ?”
The ultimate aim of Life is whatever you believe it to be. Therefore, why believe in anything? Learn to enjoy the “now” by freeing up your mind from its conditioning, your emotions from the trauma of the ego-mind.
Brahma Kumaris is a path. It is neither “right” nor “wrong.” It is path for those who are in a certain state of consciousness. You need to walk your own path, to experience it, so you know your “truth.” To follow a path is “good.” But later on, it will be “bad.” If you quit without being ready, you will be bitter. If you continue when you are ready to move on, you will be frustrated.
It is all on You. Be honest with yourself.
If yesterday’s writing was understood, then there will not be an issue in understanding the following.
Notice how the limits made up by our belief system, our upbringings, our moral values, all of that make a barrier to open up our consciousness into a different frequency.
Is masturbation good or bad? 🙂
Notice how that question will bring your taboo, your belief. You may feel uneasy through that question.
The above question is very childish. It clearly shows that we are still labeling actions as “good or bad,” labeling based on our belief system.
Nothing wrong with that labeling, however; it shows clearly our state of consciousness.
“Johnny, to masturbate is very bad. Don’t do it or you will ….”
A moral statement has been imprinted into little Johnny’s mind.
Life may present different circumstances.
Johnny may experiment and let go. All by itself; without the sense of guilt that a learned, rigid human law may bring.
Or… Johnny may grow up with fears, shyness and a strong sense of “righteousness” at all costs due to his belief in sin and virtue. Johnny may not be able to find a partner. Then, Johnny will feel trapped, guilty.
The energy of sexuality when stopped through a belief will explode inside his body causing a disease for Johnny’s lack of adaptation.
At that point, Johnny may either destroy himself through repression or go the opposite way; he will be a rebel, a “liberal” negating every moral code out there, just to do what he “feels like.”
Is Johnny being “good or bad”?
Still that question denotes that childish black or white mentality.
To believe that an action is “good or bad” in itself, shows clearly our lack of understanding and observation of the way of Life. It is not about labeling Life, but feeling it.
What is the intention that Johnny had?
At that point, we are going away from the control of a “black or white” moral code, and going into our inner feelings.
We could lie to the whole world about our intentions, but those intentions and nothing else, will direct the consequences of an action.
That is why, feelings are so important. Your feelings show your intention.
Observe that sex is neither “good nor bad.” It is the feeling, the intention of the person what brings the consequences in someone’s life.
That feeling is not something that we could accommodate one day and say: “I feel love for you, that was my intention;” for the one who observes himself, that person may be able to find a different intention underneath: Doubt, frustration, anger, even fear. Self-Honesty is required to find the feeling. The consequence is always consistent with that intention.
Sex is an enhancer, a pinnacle in the enjoyment of Life which is able to produce Life, when our intentions move with uplifting feelings.
Most of the time, sex is “used” as the pill, the drug to “make us happy” to “get off” from that recurrent energy, as when someone eats something for the sake of putting something in their stomach rather than enjoying every bite of it.
See the difference? It is the intention even though the action is the same.
A human being in balance acknowledges all energies, which will go in tune with his nature at a particular time. To adapt to different changes in Life is the art of letting go of some things and to accept another things. It is in that frequency how adaptation happens and a human learns to live in harmony with himself.
That is health and to be healthy.
Observe how different societies have tried to control human beings by controlling the sexual impulse. From denying pleasure, to manipulating people through their emotions.
Healthy? Not a bit.
Rightful? All according to a belief system.
“Wait a minute… weren’t you the same one who talked about the benefits of celibacy?”
Yes and No.
Same individual, different consciousness… thus, not the same. This blog is about the path of Avyakt7 into Ananda. This blog is not interested is selling a religion, a philosophy nor in giving “salvation to all. “ This blog is not interested in selling copies or making a profit. This blog is not looking for followers or to convince anyone.
This blog at this time, is only interested in not lying to myself and sharing that experience to those who feel there is benefit for them.
Do you see how contradictory Life could be?
To go right, just to end up left. If you label the right side as being “right,” you will suffer when it is the time to experience “left.”
Balance is to know through intuition when to go right and when to go left according to time.
“But… you should have stuck with your beliefs… you were “right” and now you are “wrong”…”
I was never right therefore, never wrong.
“But… God is going to punish you… You will not go to heaven!!!”
All you have to do, is to change your definition, your concept of God and heaven, one more time…
“But your experience with God…”
Interpreted in a particular way at that time.
“But… you had the truth and now you are speaking falsehood!”
Never had the truth, for it cannot be held or expressed in static words. No one can do that. Not even God.
If you don’t perceive how consciousness changes and that there is no point in time, when “you” are a static you, there is no possibility to understand these things for you.
You have to live it, to understand it. It has to happen to you. Feel it.
The above is one of the most “spiritual” writings that Ananda has produced so far.
“I’m in knowledge about 16years, reading murli and doing yoga everyday, of course taking pure veg which cooked myself, doing amrit vela regularly, but still cannot control the lust, will masturbate to release the pressure, I know its bad, but I just couldn’t overcome it. Please give ideas, TQ”
Thank you for your honest question. The topic of masturbation has been dealt with in several writings in this blog and in the “healthy celibacy” blog as well.
First, let us not label masturbation as “good,” or “bad.” It is an action to obtain pleasure/release which comes with the loss of semen, which is raw energy capable of giving life.
Every action has a reaction. That loss will add up as the number of episodes increase and weaken you, physically, emotionally and psychologically.
The above is “normal,” in our society. Sexual energy is not known as energy but as something to give us pleasure…. Pleasure little treasure…
If you cannot “control” sexual energy obviously that energy will be stuck and will manifest somehow. By masturbating, you are merely getting rid of it, throwing it away; the key is to transform it.
That transformation happens through sensibility and openness of feelings. That is what yoga is for. Yoga is meant to develop your feelings. But is not the only way. Being in Nature and acquainted with the elements of Nature will bring that sensibility as well. As a male you need to develop your “ying” side your “female” side, that means the acceptance and discovery of that female side in you.
There is a mental component which you have not disclosed. There is something which triggers lust in you. Relate with that with feelings from the heart. Become acquainted in relating with feelings rather than thoughts.
Thinking about things, about images, about situations which bring that state of lust, need to be transformed into feelings and obviously those feelings have to be strong, “pure feelings.”
Note that we are not rejecting anything. We are not calling anything as “bad,” or “good.” Feeling guilty is a waste of time when we realize that everything is cause and effect.
We are just learning to transform the energy of lust into pure feelings from the heart, and that will happen when you have developed certain sensibility.
Feelings are the transformation needed for lust to be “controlled.”
Dear reader is your task to find the “how and what.”
Last suggestion: Allow yourself a healthy interaction with females (if that is the gender which attracts you) and learn to appreciate them and express that appreciation through feelings only. No need to talk. No need to think. No need to label anything… Just let those feelings out, let them expand, let them be you, in that way the energy of lust could be used in a more beneficial way.
Become a transformer of energies. Transform lust. Please do not reject it.
I’m 20 years of age. I’ve have been trying to control my sexual desires and follow celibacy. But,sometimes I get infatuated or attracted to girls. The worst part is I get wet dreams once or twice in two months. I feel guilty of it and I hate it. I don’t indulge in any sexual acts(like masturbation or watching porn) like my friends. But, wet dreams is one thing which I couldn’t control.I usually sleep at 11 or 12 and wake up only after 7. I’ve tried waking up at dawn, but in vain. Even if I go to bed early and wake up at dawn, I feel very sleepy and drowsy for the entire day. So, I prefer going to bed at 11 and waking at 7. Can give me any suggestions on controlling wet dreams and preventing infatuation?Any tips for waking up at dawn without feeling sleepy for the entire day?
Thank you for your honest question.
You do not mention why you are “trying” to follow celibacy. That is an important aspect.
It is that a life style based on spiritual reasons, a psychological outlet from a personal issue, or just something momentarily?
Please do not feel guilty. It is a waste of time and energy and could only contribute to make this “issue” to continue on.
In the world of “normal people,” you are ahead in “awareness” and willing to find solutions. That will take sometime to try different things and see for yourself what works for you.
I will give you some suggestions:
Trying to control sexual desires is a sure way to fail in celibacy.
It is not by controlling how we can have a celibate lifestyle, but by transforming that sexual energy into something else. That refinement of energy comes with a change in your life style primarily.
Being vegetarian is a must. Developing feelings by being acquainted with the beauty of Nature, its sounds and colors is another strong help. Balancing your male energy with your own female energy is the last one and that can be accomplished with the help of Nature as well.
There are some activities which are considered “female” which you could participate to balance that energy: singing, dancing, hatha yoga, etc. Also the influence of the elements of Nature such as the Moon and the Ocean are considered of female energy. Have walks at night by the Ocean or a Lake.
Wake up early. 5 AM or 6 AM and gently exercise by doing pranayama and hatha yoga outdoors. Be out before everyone else wakes up.
Be aware on the position that you sleep. Facing up should help, for you should be aware that at dawn your sexual energy will naturally reach its higher point, especially at your age.
That is why, the practice of waking up very early is helpful (so that time period is skipped when you are completely conscious.) Take a nap in the afternoon. That is a healthy practice and that will take your tiredness away until you get used to getting up early.
You have not talked about the contents of your dreams. They could give you clues in what you need to take care of. If they are sexual dreams, you are repressing, rejecting and your unconscious mind is letting you know that.
It is important to spend regular time with Nature for that beauty will develop your feelings so the next step, which you mention as feeling attraction towards girls could be transformed.
Nothing wrong when feeling attraction for girls. Please keep that in mind. It is natural and it is positive if you have learned to transform the “normal” ways.
What you feel will be transformed in appreciation for that which you feel attracted to. Appreciation of beauty. Appreciation of a complementary female energy in front of you.
This blog and healthycelibacy.blogspot.com have plenty of information on the topic of celibacy. I invite you to search those articles in this blog by using that keyword (celibacy) and you are encouraged to ask about this topic if you have further questions.