Loving with totality
Sharlene is in a relationship with Paul. It is known that Paul is a “good person.” Paul has great qualities to become a great husband; however; Paul is not spiritual enough for Sharlene. “He does not bring much spirituality with him;” she says.
They have been together for 3 years now and she is hoping for a turn around. Even though, Paul is a “nice guy,” Sharlene feels that she doesn’t want to settle for something which is not fulfilling for her.
For most people, it is about seeing the “good qualities” that someone brings into this “relationship.”
However, no matter what the other person brings to the table, there is no totality in Sharlene’s love.
Sharlene feels what she feels and there is no turn around unless her feelings change. The issue is with her.
Sharlene had different experiences in life before her relationship with Paul. She had an idea in her mind on how love should be. Her previous relationship ended because Jann wasn’t in love with her. There was not totality in Jann’s love. However, Sharlene wasn’t 100% into it either. There was something that she kept with her, for even though Jann was spiritual; Jann had his “own issues” which bothered Sharlene.
When there is that lack of totality or wholesomeness in love, there always will be a room for “wanting for more,” wanting for that which is not there, which is lacking; and then, the search for another one who brings those qualities will continue on. The mind keeps yearning for something which does not exist.
This is the story of most divorces, from the “wealthy and famous,” to the infamous and poor ones. 🙂
The above, is a “normal” situation nowadays. Many people feel lonely. Many people feel that they are “getting old,” and better “take the first fish who bites the bait” before being empty handed. Some people are looking for someone to “make them happy.” Others, are hoping for a “Hollywood movie with a happy end,” to unfold in their lives. Many hopes, many dreams; but no knowledge of the spiritual laws in life. No one looks at themselves first.
A castle made up of a deck of cards is waiting to collapse. It will happen. It is just a matter of time.
Totality in love comes when our love is wholesome, when it is a complete love from “head to toe,” towards someone who is willing to share his/her life with us. If this feeling is lacking, if there is something telling us inside that “this is not it,” then that wholesomeness will be missing for sure. Then, the uncommitted “let us see what happen,” will be there for sure. This is the time when the mind starts compromising, the mind starts believing things that are not there, the mind hopes for changes to accomodate your own will. Forget about the other. At the end, it is about “me.”
This commitment does not come out of “thinking.” It is something that we can feel from the beginning and unless we change, things will remain the same. That is, the other person will never be “spiritual enough.”
There is a very important point to remember: We can only get to this point of knowing, when any type of “neediness” is gone from our system. If loneliness is there, if there is any unfulfilled desire which we want for another to fulfill, then; we are just wasting our time, for that totality in love will not be there, it will never be experienced.
As long as we are in a state of neediness, we will only look for someone to fulfill our own emptiness. We bring to that relationship our emptiness; and this inner emptiness will become a demanding voice sooner or later which will destroy that relationship through dependency or through lack of satisfaction.
Totality of love in a relationship, that kind of love where there is no need to sign a piece of paper to demonstrate commitment, that type of love which is wholesome, which is looking to share without any further motives; that type of love can only come across when we have resolved our own “ghosts,” our own issues, when we have fulfilled that emptiness with the fragrance of victory by facing loneliness without escape; that is when “true” spirituality has been used to work in the self.
Through the law of karma, we will get what we deserve. Thus, it is in our hands, to make that “movie” a beautiful one. One emotional needy person plus another needy person does not equal happiness in the math of life.
“Love can not be thought,
love can not be cultivated,
love can not be practiced.
The practice of love, the practice of brotherhood,
is still within the field of the mind,
so it is not love.
When all this has stopped,
then love arises,
then you will know
what is love.
Then, love is not quantitative but qualitative.
You do not say: “I love everybody”
but when one knows how to love,
knows how to love all.
Because we do not know how to love one
our love for humanity is fictitious.
When you love, there is neither one nor many:
there is only love.
It is only when there is love
that all our problems can be solved
and then we will know
its joy and happiness.”
Question: After observing the self closely, I have realized the two big hurdles in my spiritual journey are dependency and getting influenced. So, whenever I tried to work on it, either I start rejecting other personalities around me or I get flows with them. Baba often says that at this point of time in drama, a human cannot give constant happiness to other human. So, shall we reject the feelings of happiness we getting from others, so that we do not become dependent on that energy to sustain us or let just accept whatever is coming for now without thinking much about it. But, then the problem comes when that feeling changes into neediness and start affecting other things. Why do mind always looking out for someone, once we have found ourselves and God? This sanskaar of dependency is so deep that even after telling the mind to be dependent on God, it keeps pondering out. Your comments and suggestions on it.
Thank you for your great question!
Rejection of any kind will just hinder our spiritual progress. By rejecting we are giving force to that which we reject. The issue always comes back to our own neediness, our own opinions and our own ideals. There was no point in the cycle when a “human being could give constant happiness to another human.” The issue now is that we are “empty” and we want to get that fulfillment from someone. We even want to fulfill that neediness through God.
Dear soul, This knowledge is the legacy that God has given us. Through that knowledge we can become self sovereign, a master of the self. At that point, there is no more neediness, but then we can share that completeness with others. That is love. If there is someone taking, that is neediness. If there is someone giving, that is ego. It is “Natural” to share as an expression of the self and not as a self imposed duty because it is “good.”
What you are experiencing is a sign of honest progress. That is the realization of our own neediness. Finding God does not mean that everything “will be alright,” it means that it is the time to start working on the self so we can become “Like the Father.” Not a dependent being.
In my experience, solitude is the best medicine. Until we are not content with our own company, alone; we will be longing for others. Not everyone will be able to go through that, but in my experience; that has helped a lot to realize the “dependency game.” In that space sit down, go beyond thoughts of our silly mind, go even beyond our own feelings and recognize that which is complete, your own self. Then changes will happen naturally, for you have to find the source of your own completeness. You are already complete. A soul just like God, but surrounded by the clouds of thoughts and emotions while living in sheer unconsciousness. We need to awake. That is what the BK path is for.
One last point; “telling the mind something,” will not do anything. Telling ourselves something, will not do anything. There has to be will power on wanting to know the self despite the outside distractions. We already know God, right? and God has giving us this knowledge. Now we have to put it in practice, that is know the self by experiencing it; then the job will be done.
As you can see, knowing God is not enough. It is the beginning of the journey.
Question: Is attachment and emotional dependency to another.can be avoided ? because today our thoughts and mentality mostly dependant on what others think abt me
Thank you for your question!
We do not “avoid” attachment and emotional dependency, we transform those emotions through yoga, suffering, realizations and emerging love.
Most of the time attachment will be part of our personality unless we are willing to transform that deeply or when life places us in a situation where we cannot rely on others for emotional dependency. For example, that has been my experience of BK life. NO way out if you are a single brother in the midst of sisters. You need to learn to survive or “die.” (to die means simply letting yourself be overtaken by emotional dependency, whether that is with a “lokik” soul or by becoming submissive to the center in charge, so our need for companionship, sense of belonging, etc. is fulfilled by someone.)
This does not mean “never” to have relationships with anyone but “Baba.” But to realize that if we stay in that state of neediness, we cannot know how to transform attachment or emotional neediness, for we are blowing away the opportunities which life brings to overcome that through a high doses of solitude, experience of loneliness and deeper self awareness.
Dear soul, there is a high degree of inner work to be done to get there, but it is very possible.
Question: If your close one is really attached to you and you can see that person is harming the self as well as other person growth and freedom by possessing that person, how can the person, (to whom other is so attached) frees the self and the other from such attachment by not hurting other person’s feelings ?
Great question. Thank you.
I am sure, many in a relationship will identify themselves. As you mentioned, this is a close relationship.
Gyan points everything back to us. If a loved one is attached to us, that attachment has to partially be related with my own behavior. The other half, is that person’s own neediness. “It takes 2 to tango.”
Gyan also teaches us that freedom and the ability to “be,” is an intrinsic right of every being. Finally, Gyan teaches us that we only have responsibility towards the self while seeing the self in relationship with others (for there is the law of karma which only spiritual knowledge allow us to consider.)
Your only responsibility is to “break” that attachment. (As a Sakar Murli will say) BUT remember it is a gradual process. We are typically, emotionally addicted to the drug of neediness and loneliness. You can remove yourself from attachment as if a dentist extracts a tooth without anesthesia, it will hurt your emotions tremendously… or you can take your time to talk a bit about your feelings with the “loved one,” understand where the other person is coming from and let your loved one know that you want something different in the relationship. This may take sometime. A temporary separation, a healthy space to give yourself and the other one time to look at themselves without the distraction of the other, may be helpful as well. This is working together to achieve that goal if both of you can see it.
Possession is definitely unhealthy. It is violence, even if in a subtle way. When there is possession there is no love, but neediness.
To be able to do this, you need to be in a position where you do not depend on anyone. See if you have any sort of dependency (financial, emotional, physical, etc.) Otherwise, you will know that there is an unhealthy relationship going on, but you will feel that it is “better to stay” as things are for you have a lot to lose. Then freedom is not as important as comfort and “status quo.”
Be honest with yourself and see if you are willing to go with whatever it takes to break this attachment. Start this with yourself by seeing in which ways you are attached to the other person.
The “method” is easy. 🙂 It took sometime to get where you are by tying up different levels of dependency to the other person. Now it is time to see those and remove them, little by little…. in a gentle way…like a loving person will treat his/her loved one.
Points in Depth: Love and more LoVe…
10. On Love, “real” love and the “Beloved.”
“Love is everything.”
To share experiences in the spiritual path has tremendous value to figure out the “ big puzzle.”
We have experiences and knowledge gives us the “map.” Many times we do not follow the map, but we are in agreement with the map after having walked the “destination” of the experience.
This awkward way has benefit, for it supports the validity of spiritual knowledge.
Here we start:
Thanks to the experiences of a friend of mine ( an exquisitely, generous warm heart-ed being of light) had the following realizations.
When we say that God “purify” us through yoga or transform us through a “connection,” we may describe what we perceive however, the actual “happening” may not be correct.
God respects every being. That respect is based on allowing a particular being to be as it is meant to be.
When we say that God is “changing” me, that is inaccurate. God couldn’t do that because that goes against respecting the current state of spiritual development and experience of a being. God business is not to “change” people. That is why we have society for.
God doesn’t knock doors. He is just waiting there, outside. Not only that but, God cannot change someone according to what HE is…that is lack of respect as well.
Then, how that “inner transformation” happens?
God is like a big reflective mirror. God enhances those qualities which we already have. That is Raja Yoga.
When I connect with Baba, what is in my heart, in my being will be enhanced as I receive that energy back in that communication, soul to soul. God is not adding anything to it or subtracting it, putting His “own things.” Those things which are soulful, those virtues, that love is what we ARE. It is just enhanced on the “way back” so we can recognize who we ARE. 🙂
What is the proof of that?
When we had a blissful, fulfilling experience in yoga, we feel happy, elated, we try to remember it, but …. we forget.
On the other hand, have you ever experienced the feeling of “meeting” your soul-mate? I mean, that person who alters all your hormones and make you feel “good,” elated, alive, etc?
This is what is known as “falling in love.”
You really fall. It becomes neediness.
Have you experienced the pain of not being close to that “loved one”? Have you experienced how your heart feels? Have you felt the pain?
Have you ever been able to forget that person? 🙂
Even though we are in pain through “falling in love,” we have not been able to forget that person.
Therefore, How can we forget BABA? How can we forget God if we had such a good yoga experience?
That is because Baba only shows you who you are.
And… we forget who we are…. 😉
Remember me alone, so you can remember yourself.
This is not about being dependent on God and “singing His praise.”
God is showing you who you are. Think about it.
Your “soul-mate” on the other hand; is showing you what you lack, what you need and … is fulfilling that and taking it away from you at any time… That is why, there is suffering and then craving, and then we cannot forget. We remember that which we need to feel complete.
The Drama is good:
Be thankful that someone is showing you what you need. Be determined to “be” that which you found is lacking in you. This is the meaning of learning through an experience in life.
Love to God Transforms. It is “self transformation” through “magnification.” God is complete. Therefore a “mirror.”
Love to others, “regenerate.” It allows us to feel life and feel fulfillment through love. The issue is that many feel that love is a transaction. Love is something to trade, to give but expecting something back, in return. Love is to possess, to expect, to use…. That idea, that attitude kills love. Degenerates it. To avoid consequences on this aspect so we do not “shut our heart down,” there is love to the self, that is “self-respect.”
To know love starts with self respect. Just like to know God, we need to know the self.
Everything starts in the self. Life is just a mirror to show us who we are at every second, at every moment, half a moment, etc. Life is constantly showing us who we are.
You’ve got to love that!