When individuals are trapped in the physicality of sex, the need to get rid of the sexual energy through 5 minutes of pleasure will be prevalent. For many, it is no longer enjoyable, but something that needs to be done to get back to “normal” life.
That “solution” may bring frustration as sexual energy tends to regenerate.
Others, may have a good amount of that sexual energy specially when young, nevertheless; their search for physical pleasure will unavoidably take that person in sexual energy “debt” in their older years. There will be lack of vitality.
Human sexuality as portrayed by pornography, typically shows aggression between partners. It is the frantic search for a solo pleasure even while with a partner. Violence is part of the setup, as it is to hit, grab and use abusive language towards a partner. It is a sweaty fight, where man and woman get out empty handed, for their vitality is lessened. In that consciousness, that performance is usually labeled as “great sex.”
At that level of human sexuality, there is no awareness of the subtle energies which are created during the sexual act.
The excitement of the body/mind is concerned in reaching a peak quickly, which is known as orgasm, without giving the opportunity for the subtle energies to settle their presence, and to become conscious of it.
There is no human behavior that shows best how we truly ARE, as human sexuality. There is no way to fake that, even while using “techniques.”
Even though so called “tantric practices” concentrate on “techniques” for the practitioners, the outcome is usually a phony event. That is no surprise as much “spirituality” is about faking the “now”: The goal is to BECOME in the “future” someone who we ARE not, some IDEAL. No guarantees. A technique will not do the trick.
Showing utmost respect and love of the sacredness of a partner is not something to fake by following the practices of a book, video or “master class.”
To be able to feel totally comfortable with ourselves and with another so the sexual embrace will be a slow dance, united by being overtaken by blissful energies which are building up through utmost relaxation… That is enlivening. That is a way to recuperate vitality.
I want some of that! How do I get it? What do I have to “practice”?
It is the process of refining BEING. It has nothing to do with sexual practices or techniques. Those techniques ARE, for those who ARE not.
Refining BEING from the gross to subtle is Tantra.
Self Love, enjoyment of sensuality, ability to surrender to the moment, awareness of sexual energies building feelings of love… All of that does not come through a book or a class.
Deconditioning of fear based attitudes and mental blockages through beliefs are part of the “work.” AWARENESS of inner feelings over mental conditioning.
Sexuality is only the outcome, the consequence of that “work.”
DOING, acting, performing what we ARE NOT, is the basis of inner dishonesty. Our whole mentality as society is based on that. We have forgotten to acknowledge BEING, but eventually, it catches up with us. That is when a seeker is interested in finding the TRUTH of Life, but unless his own inner dishonesty is faced first, there is no chance.
The TRUTH has been always within us. Human sexuality is only a manifestation of that truth.
As we may be aware, our society is the greatest source of conditioning. All of us have made that society throughout time. Our rules, regulations, laws, moral standards help us survive as a group, but at the same time; they could hinder us individually, in inner growth.
I am not saying that society’s conditioning is “bad.” This conditioning is necessary up to a point. Once we become aware of it, our path for de-conditioning will start. This path does not deny and reject our previous conditioned self. This path integrates all experiences: I wouldn’t be able to BE who I am now, without the experiences of who I was before. This openness, will allow us to perceive continuous newness in Life through change.
In “Tantra for the masses” as taught by “certified” individuals, the emphasis is on sex. They have “tips,” methods, practices to “improve the sexual Life of the client.”
Observe that all of that information, is put on top of a conditioned person. De-conditioning is not to “know information.” It begins in an inner realization. That is why sexual fulfillment goes hand in hand with self-realization, as it is an immediate consequence of opening the “I” from its own web of attachments (ideals, beliefs, traumas, hang ups.) Sexual fulfillment is not necessarily in having sex, but it is never in denying it.
Our capacity for enjoyment of sexuality as a sacred time, starts in the enjoyment of our own bodies. Yes, our bodies will allow us to DO things and accomplish things but, the enjoyment of it is the necessary counterpart to live a balanced Life.
Every person has a different capacity to enjoy sexuality, a different perspective of it based on their own experience. That is what we need to acknowledge. The polarity of the range of experiences is always there, to be expressed by different people.
That is why, in sexuality as in Life; we may need to learn to acknowledge who we ARE. Observe our limitations. Observe how much our beliefs stop us from exploring our pleasure. Pay attention to that. Here is where sexual de-conditioning starts.
Pornography only shows the collective consciousness. It is not “bad” nor “good.” It is a mirror expressed by actors.
There is more to sexuality than using it to express aggressiveness, anger and lust. For most sexuality is only about pleasure, but in that there cannot be fulfillment.
Fulfillment is in the union of body-mind, spirit, the whole human being. Sensations of pleasure may be enough for most, but Sexuality is one of the paths to know Love. That is to go beyond “I.”
In another realm of sexuality, to abandon yourself without using the mind to “practice it,” but as a natural consequence of the experience; is a way to get out of our mind.
The ego-mind will keep us chained into our beliefs and standards. Openness, is to let go of what we believe to be ourselves.
Sexuality offers that experience.
Sexuality has many levels according to who we ARE. While we have been conditioned to find the “right way” to enjoy sex, we never stop and see who we ARE.
As we become aware of all of our “stop” signs from enjoyment of ourselves, we could observe that without this capacity for self-appreciation in all of our physicality (body-mind,) we could not be fully ready to love another human being.
We will add more “stop” signs to their experiences than “yield” signs. It is this lack of balance the one that will bring many issues in relationships.
Life will bring opportunities to go beyond our own definitions/standards. Those opportunities are the ones equipped to shape us into our next change, our next impersonation or role in Life.
As we cling to the “old,” we will cling to our mental unchanging definitions of ourselves. We are stuck.
Sexuality and “spirituality” are about allowing the Life energy within us to move on, to cycle through, as this has a regenerative effect, a healing effect. The size of the “I” will be the obstacle. To be AWARE of that, is openness.
Inside, we may allow ourselves not to be defined, despite the outside world of definitions. That is the harmonious “act.” 🙂
I’m 20 years of age. I’ve have been trying to control my sexual desires and follow celibacy. But,sometimes I get infatuated or attracted to girls. The worst part is I get wet dreams once or twice in two months. I feel guilty of it and I hate it. I don’t indulge in any sexual acts(like masturbation or watching porn) like my friends. But, wet dreams is one thing which I couldn’t control.I usually sleep at 11 or 12 and wake up only after 7. I’ve tried waking up at dawn, but in vain. Even if I go to bed early and wake up at dawn, I feel very sleepy and drowsy for the entire day. So, I prefer going to bed at 11 and waking at 7. Can give me any suggestions on controlling wet dreams and preventing infatuation?Any tips for waking up at dawn without feeling sleepy for the entire day?
Thank you for your honest question.
You do not mention why you are “trying” to follow celibacy. That is an important aspect.
It is that a life style based on spiritual reasons, a psychological outlet from a personal issue, or just something momentarily?
Please do not feel guilty. It is a waste of time and energy and could only contribute to make this “issue” to continue on.
In the world of “normal people,” you are ahead in “awareness” and willing to find solutions. That will take sometime to try different things and see for yourself what works for you.
I will give you some suggestions:
Trying to control sexual desires is a sure way to fail in celibacy.
It is not by controlling how we can have a celibate lifestyle, but by transforming that sexual energy into something else. That refinement of energy comes with a change in your life style primarily.
Being vegetarian is a must. Developing feelings by being acquainted with the beauty of Nature, its sounds and colors is another strong help. Balancing your male energy with your own female energy is the last one and that can be accomplished with the help of Nature as well.
There are some activities which are considered “female” which you could participate to balance that energy: singing, dancing, hatha yoga, etc. Also the influence of the elements of Nature such as the Moon and the Ocean are considered of female energy. Have walks at night by the Ocean or a Lake.
Wake up early. 5 AM or 6 AM and gently exercise by doing pranayama and hatha yoga outdoors. Be out before everyone else wakes up.
Be aware on the position that you sleep. Facing up should help, for you should be aware that at dawn your sexual energy will naturally reach its higher point, especially at your age.
That is why, the practice of waking up very early is helpful (so that time period is skipped when you are completely conscious.) Take a nap in the afternoon. That is a healthy practice and that will take your tiredness away until you get used to getting up early.
You have not talked about the contents of your dreams. They could give you clues in what you need to take care of. If they are sexual dreams, you are repressing, rejecting and your unconscious mind is letting you know that.
It is important to spend regular time with Nature for that beauty will develop your feelings so the next step, which you mention as feeling attraction towards girls could be transformed.
Nothing wrong when feeling attraction for girls. Please keep that in mind. It is natural and it is positive if you have learned to transform the “normal” ways.
What you feel will be transformed in appreciation for that which you feel attracted to. Appreciation of beauty. Appreciation of a complementary female energy in front of you.
This blog and healthycelibacy.blogspot.com have plenty of information on the topic of celibacy. I invite you to search those articles in this blog by using that keyword (celibacy) and you are encouraged to ask about this topic if you have further questions.