Tagged: relationships
Emotional dependency
To fall in Love is very easy. To love, is something that very few are able to know. Love cannot be learned.
Love appears when we are able to appreciate and give.
Appreciate the moment. Give yourself. This is not a “practice,” this is BEING those things without trying.
How can I “achieve” those things then?
By being completely AWARE of who you ARE now and allowing for the inner barriers to fall.
Otherwise, we bring the past to the “now,” we try to control outcomes and expect to receive what we desire, what we think is “fair.” For most, that is their version of love.
To bring the past means to feed grudges. To point out “mistakes.” To believe that someone cannot change. Control brings jealousy, the need to possess. Because there is this psychological separation, there is always the “Me “and “you” that cannot fuse into “us.” Thus, to give yourself under those terms, is only another pretty idea.
Everything in Life is meant to change. When we live through the identity of another, we will suffer when the other is gone.
Many will avoid becoming closer to another, for the fear of being hurt; but yet miss an opportunity for growth and enjoyment. They are not AWARE that inner fears do not allow someone to experience the way Life IS. With fear there cannot be love.
That emotional dependency of illusory security, does not go away when we protect ourselves from others, but when we are wide open, vulnerable, alive.
Some relationships are meant to last 1 day. Others a lifetime. Truly, there is no difference for the one who is open to Life.
The moment, the “now,” that is all that matters. Once it is gone, a new door will open if we do not bring the past with us. A new adventure will arrive if we do not try to control the surroundings. If we give ourselves to Life at every moment, we may find what Love IS.
We find by letting go.
Being Vulnerable
…And just when I thought that to be tough is all there is in Life, I found that toughness is the biggest vulnerability someone could have.
When there is no awareness, we could be taught to put up an image in front of the world just to protect our own pettiness.
It is the typical “office world” mentality of “marketing ourselves” to boast about our strengths and to “fake it until we make it.”
That is the world of pressuring ourselves to “succeed.”
Nothing wrong with that world.
Nevertheless, in Life in our relationships with people it is of great importance to show who we are.
A relationship grows in depth as we take off our layers of protection, as we stripe our image and show our vulnerabilities… At that point we are not an ideal anymore, a prototype for everyone to follow…
There is no need to make a list of our own vulnerabilities and to “practice” those in front of loved ones. We just need to allow ourselves to be.
Censorship and rejection could be experienced, and that is fine. We are not supposed to be like everyone else.
That is the first point in self-awareness: Totally acceptance of ourselves; our shadow and our light.
If we have not reached that point, if there is not acceptance, then our interaction with ourselves and others will be a faked one. There will not be fulfillment experienced in relationships as we cannot be ourselves.
When we display our vulnerabilities in awareness, we could know others. For those will be triggers for others to react in judgment, censorship or advice. In turn, that will give us the chance to test our “strength,” meaning our emptiness of “I.”
Without awareness, to display our vulnerabilities will be a source of pain and suffering, for we will feel hurt. That trauma will need to be healed.
The image of the “tough guy” is in vogue. That “toughness” is just meant to conceal the fear of being just who we are. To be tough, we need to set aside our true feelings and with that the opportunity to experience living from the heart.
Vulnerabilities will dissolve in relationship with others, but only for the one who is aware. For the one who is not, it will be the source of belittlement and the need to work on his “image” by building a mental layer of shielding armor.
Emotionally, when our heart is vulnerable, when it is trusting and open, it may get hurt and that is the opportunity to heal through our accumulated strength. It is the perfect chance to see how far we have gone.
If that same heart is tough, hard and closed… not trusting anything…it may not get hurt, because it is already in pain. That is another paradox of Life.
For that closed heart, to live is a fearful experience and to close itself into a small box just to feel safe, is the extent of its “toughness.”
To open our heart despite the possibility of being hurt is an act of courage, and act of affirming the intrinsic necessity to feel Life…and at the same time; the path to experience no-self.
Pain is not to be feared, but transformed. 🙂
The influence of ancestors and family members
The family unity is the root feeding the experience of every leaf, every family member.
It is not just the feeling that we are “One,” but rather it goes back to our own roots and the relationship of those roots with the whole.
The family that we currently are in, is part of this conscious experience. There is a plan, which wasn’t planned. It is just the way it is.
Destiny.
Basically, every family member is there to “learn” from each other and to “work things out” in the development of every member. The stories may be different, the degree of relationship different, the level of intensity may vary, but each member brings in their own contribution to the family tree.
For the individual who is aware, that is a great opportunity to learn about himself.
Is there something, which you can see in your sibling or parents, which you do not like? ☺
You have that characteristic as well.
Is there a “virtue” which you like about a family member?
It is yours as well.
The degree of those characteristics may change; the stage in our life when that particular characteristic becomes visible to us may have different timing, but it is there, latent, ready to be expressed at some time.
Therefore, an easy way to learn about ourselves is in the relationship with our family members. There is no one else who could be able to bring the “best of us” and because of that, the “worst.”
A family has a Life span. Every member will bring unity with that whole just to separate at different times.
There is a time for dissolution of the family, just like everything else in Life. That time is misunderstood by most individuals influenced by collective beliefs.
For instance, Gabriela was a very famous woman. She married a popular man as well. It was a Cinderella story where eternal Love was promised. The couple had children. This family was the “great example” for others to follow. The belief of only one marriage in Life, which should last “forever,” is a common desirable belief worldwide.
This famous couple separated after a few years. That was painful for Gabriela and her now, ex-husband.
Gabriela’s sister was unknown to the public, but she married another unknown man and their marriage lasted “forever.”
Even though Gabriela re-married and was able to observe how much she had learned through the experiences of that previous marriage, she couldn’t help but to compare with the “lucky” destiny of her sister.
The social stigma of having a “failed marriage” was hunting her down, even though she was enjoying life. Gabriella felt like a failure to her children.
As most people age, their faces and body will show the pain and anguish of not fulfilling their ideas of a “perfect Life.”
Gabriella’s children may feel the discomfort and trauma of not being “normal.”
Some individuals may not know who their “biological parents” are.
What is their root, then?
The whole, the Universe. Those individuals are meant to learn about themselves as a reflection of the World.
Many cultures give a very special deference to the ancestors, the roots.
Every family has a particular characteristic, which could be perceived by others.
That particular characteristic may be the one to be aware of.
That is the gift if a virtue, or the material to create the gift…work in progress.
Our relationship with family members could bring us a sense of balance and closure in Life: Attachment while in unity will bring suffering when dissolution arrives. Detachment when it is the time for unity, will bring a wasted opportunity for knowing ourselves through the mirror of that relationship.
Timing is the most important aspect in any relationship.
When a person is going through an emotional healing experience; sooner or later, the family members will need to be involved in that healing.
A family is like the Rubik’s cube. If only one face of the cube is complete, there are 5 sides, which are “out of balance.” The whole cube is dependent on the completion of every face of the cube.
When the whole cube is displaying a solid color in each face, there is completeness, there has been healing.
If one a member of a family advances in consciousness, automatically everyone else in that family will move a step forward as well.
Why?
Because we are One.
Intense relationships
“Intense” is the word used to denote the “highs and the lows.”
How do you know that you are in an intense relationship?
Look at the mirror. You may see a shadow of your former self.
Your vibes will be low. Your anxiety high.
The intensity of going from one extreme into another becomes an addiction as when a drug addict has anxiety towards his “fix.” That period of anxiety is the price to pay for getting the “high.”
Is it worth to get that high?
For an addict it is. For a person without the addiction, it will be a moment to enjoy and to let go.
What is the intense relationship setting showing us?
The need to feel loved. Typically someone in an intense relationship has their self-esteem and image depending on what others “make them feel.” They will become trapped in the sensations that will satiate their inner void.
That sensation, they will call love or to fall in love; nevertheless, love is away from them for there is no love in dependency, in need.
A partner acting as a trigger allows for the intensity to outburst. That emotional intensity is inside the person experiencing an intense relationship.
Intense relationships are known for bringing the duality of pleasure and pain to the outmost.
Many emotions will be felt in such a relationship: Fear, control, anxiety, breaking down with impotence of not being able to “fix things.” Likewise; tenderness, pleasure, closeness…but not in day to day living but in moments.
A physical or emotional disease is the outcome.
Intense relationships are not “bad.”
They will show us our limits and our vulnerabilities.
To continue in such a relationship in the name of “love,” is like pulling the trigger of a pistol pointing at our heads, in the name of “peace.”
What is the solution?
It is embodied in a name. It is called “Courage.”
Just like an addict needs courage to step out of the addiction, a person living an intense relationship will need the courage to get out, to cut that thread which is self destructive.
Just look at the mirror.
That takes will power. That takes guts and self-respect.
Life may bring help, but the choice to get out of that situation is completely ours.
Courage is not something that we could ask someone to have for us.
Courage is the energy that needs to flow from our beings and our hearts to step out from the ditch that we have digged with our need to be loved. The lover arrived but the lover wasn’t loving… but we took it anyway.
Self-respect is the first step towards knowing love.
Relationships of the “I.”
From yesterday’s example, we could perceive how important is to understand, release emotional traumas and beliefs stagnant in ourselves first, to be able to make something greater than ourselves, that is to be in a relationship with someone.
We already live in relationship in different levels; but the deepest the relationship, the need for less “I” there will be.
Some may need time alone, others will learn even when in a relationship.
Because the “I” is self-centered in his own activities, a deep relationship with another human being becomes a challenge.
The cultural response to this “problem,” has been the “master and servant” relationship.
One “I” has greater weight than the other “I,” the companion.
In many cultures that typically means that a male will be the “boss,” the “provider,” the “wise,” the main character. A female is left for second seat.
Observe that this type of set up is “fool proof,” for it is difficult for an “I” to live with another “I” at the same level, in “equality.”
As human rights activists, change of roles, equality talks etc. have appeared, it is not surprising that commitment in relationships have dropped.
One thing is to say: “would you marry me?” or to let the relatives pick the partner for us, and a different thing is to have that sense or feeling of commitment by becoming aware of all the “lessons” that this commitment will entail.
When we are ready to enjoy that journey in their “ups and downs” completely by always looking at this setting as the opportunity that Life brings to increase our own emptiness from the “ghosts” of the past, perhaps at that point, we may be ready.
Love is related with emptiness as the Ocean is with fish.
The “I” will be able to “love” only as long as the “other” enhances, supports, satisfies the needs of that “I.”
Commitment requires the opening to go beyond that “I.”
It is as if a room full of things, wanted to become “one” with another room full of things. Every room has its own “boxes.” Thus, one “I” needs to be the main figure for the relationship to survive.
It is at that point, where another interesting word has been invented: Compromise.
“Today is your turn and tomorrow it is mine.”
Observe how there are 2 distinct “I”s throughout the relationship trying to play together as a team.
There cannot be depth in that, as the separation is obvious.
Because an “I” may be continuously denied for the sake of the other “I,” then this will create friction, resentment, etc.
What is the solution?
Obviously to be aware that this is a typical process in a relationship. It is the meeting of the “I”s.
Is it “bad”?
No. It is “good.” Live and learn. Many will keep on blaming the “other” rather than looking at themselves, their “buttons” being pushed, their own limits.
It is a learning process, which takes time and commitment.
We could observe that inner work, becomes a very important aspect to be able to relate with another human being, whether the “other” is full of “I” or not.
At one point, we will need to realize that we must look at our own “I.”
To live with another human being is another way to understand our own shortcomings, to empty ourselves.
We cannot learn that through a book, a spiritual class or through a religion. It has to be experienced and the lesson will be learned through the mirror of relationships.
The depth of love is experienced as a by product of that commitment.
Conceptual Living
Does a triangle exist?
In “reality,” in the natural world, in Nature… It does not. It is a concept.
Nevertheless, we continuously use concepts to make up our “reality.”
A triangle could be used to build a house, yet that “reality” is non-existent in Nature.
As we go into this further, we will realize how far human concepts have become our way of living and how far we have gone apart from Nature.
I am not saying that to know how to use a GPS device is not useful… No.
I am saying that Nature is a completely stranger to us at this time.
We are trying to replace Nature with conceptual living, which is brought to us by our ideologies.
Yes.. I am communicating with you through our technology, the offspring of our ideas. Isn’t that marvelous?
However, these words wouldn’t be needed if we merely observe Nature and perform the “lost long son” parable, to establish a relationship back with “mother” Nature.
Technology is neither “good nor bad.” We embrace it, but because there is no harmonious balance, the weight leans towards the “conceptual” side of the scale.
Nature is One. The Universe is a song.
That song could be divided into different parts and we could dissect every sound to get to every instrument, but we cannot “analyze” the performance itself, the mastery of every artist, which in unison will make up that song.
A concept will only allow someone to perceive separated instruments, which is an illusion for that instrument cannot play by itself in “reality.”
The Universe is an orchestra with synchronous sounds. The magic is that this wonderful song is being played without notes to read.
No one has composed the song, but is being played “impromptu” which paradoxically, is the perfect and complete way to play. No “concepts” there.
Concepts such as “individual,” the “other,” “Paradise,” “salvation, “ etc. are just concepts which are necessary to explain a particular perception of Life.
Nevertheless, let me assure you that none of those concepts are “real” for none of those bring unity but rather division, separation and egotism. We cannot see oneness when lost in those concepts.
That is the paradoxical aspects of conceptual beliefs.
Although the idea, the concept is the pursue of righteousness, the end result is further separation and division among human beings and all other beings sharing the space of this planet , this Universe with us.
The call of time is not for a revolution. It is not for salvation, neither for “knowing” God.
The call of time is for sensibility of the “reality” of Oneness. It is a state of consciousness, which could be experienced when we open the door in our hearts to contemplate Nature for the sake of being there and without any purpose, any goal, any desire of getting something out it, such as “illumination.”
Being there with “mother” Nature for the sake of appreciation, as a nurtured kid will do with his own mother.
Dependencies and the search for perfection
A preference could be small or it could be extremely important. When it is small, that preference is manageable. When that preference has intensity, it becomes a dependency.
A dependency then will show us the extremes of our personality. Thus, for the “life traveler,” to be aware of his own dependencies is “good.”
In the ”black or white” world a dependency is “bad.”
What is the difference between an individual set into the “black or white” ways and a “life traveler” openness?
Consciousness. Awareness.
That is all.
When a “life traveler” is ready to strip down his dependencies, life will offer the experiences for those dependencies to be looked at.
For example, most “normal” individuals despise being “alone.” Definitely our society is not meant for a person to be by himself or herself. There are many pressures, many traditions, many expectations, many beliefs.
To have time to be alone is an important requisite to know that which we call “self.”
No shortcuts on that.
When the dependency of others is strong, self-knowledge is low. It is in that state of dependency when “relationships” happen in a “normal” way. It is called “companionship.”
Until the individual is not whole in himself, there is no relationship as “sharing” but as depending due to the strong preference of not being alone.
What is individual wholeness?
In previous articles it was mentioned that there is an “inner family” in the self. The “inner kid,” the “man,” and the “woman.” They are all together with their own needs and wants. To balance those energies is necessary before integrating into the Totality, whether that is a relationship with someone or not, but Integration is important.
Someone asked at one time “where is this knowledge coming from?”
Obviously is not by reading books and listening to classes given by gurus about “spirituality.”
Obviously is not from following religious groups which could interpret my experiences according to their dogmas. Obviously is not by believing in a “black or white” God.
It is by observing Nature and that which we call the self. It is by listening to Nature and the self.
It comes when we feel at ease with ourselves, when we are ready to strip down our beliefs and emotional hang ups and open our arms to the experiences that life may bring.
To “know” is already in us, all we need to “do” is to let it emerge… and it will emerge when the dependencies lower their intensity.
Is to read spiritual books and to listen to spiritual classes “bad” then? 🙂
Of course not. It is part of the changing experience, BUT…we could develop a dependency on those things as well… and life will change the route.
For those who are ready, here is a little something:
When someone else makes the decision for us to change our ways…for example, “reading books” into “not reading books anymore,” that is to lack respect for the life path of someone.
When we make our own decision not to read books anymore for whatever reason, then we embrace repression, rigidity and a new belief.
When it happens naturally without thought, without inner clash, without drama… then that is natural.
For many “life travelers,” to let things happen becomes the biggest guilt trip of all. Trapped in beliefs, they do not allow themselves to change.
Life is change.
When we perceive that perfection which is not a “static” thing, but continuous movement; how on earth could we say something like: “I strive for perfection”?
Perfection is here, right now… but we are not aware of it and we have an idea of something that we want to “achieve in the future.”
Senseless.
If perfection is right now, ever-changing and moving in all respects, what is there to “do”? 😉
To enjoy it and to appreciate it.
If we learn to do that without reason, without thought, without cultivation and compulsion, naturally… then we may be living life in joy.
That could be labeled as perfection.
Exploring the Depth of Living 