“Intense” is the word used to denote the “highs and the lows.”
How do you know that you are in an intense relationship?
Look at the mirror. You may see a shadow of your former self.
Your vibes will be low. Your anxiety high.
The intensity of going from one extreme into another becomes an addiction as when a drug addict has anxiety towards his “fix.” That period of anxiety is the price to pay for getting the “high.”
Is it worth to get that high?
For an addict it is. For a person without the addiction, it will be a moment to enjoy and to let go.
What is the intense relationship setting showing us?
The need to feel loved. Typically someone in an intense relationship has their self-esteem and image depending on what others “make them feel.” They will become trapped in the sensations that will satiate their inner void.
That sensation, they will call love or to fall in love; nevertheless, love is away from them for there is no love in dependency, in need.
A partner acting as a trigger allows for the intensity to outburst. That emotional intensity is inside the person experiencing an intense relationship.
Intense relationships are known for bringing the duality of pleasure and pain to the outmost.
Many emotions will be felt in such a relationship: Fear, control, anxiety, breaking down with impotence of not being able to “fix things.” Likewise; tenderness, pleasure, closeness…but not in day to day living but in moments.
A physical or emotional disease is the outcome.
Intense relationships are not “bad.”
They will show us our limits and our vulnerabilities.
To continue in such a relationship in the name of “love,” is like pulling the trigger of a pistol pointing at our heads, in the name of “peace.”
What is the solution?
It is embodied in a name. It is called “Courage.”
Just like an addict needs courage to step out of the addiction, a person living an intense relationship will need the courage to get out, to cut that thread which is self destructive.
Just look at the mirror.
That takes will power. That takes guts and self-respect.
Life may bring help, but the choice to get out of that situation is completely ours.
Courage is not something that we could ask someone to have for us.
Courage is the energy that needs to flow from our beings and our hearts to step out from the ditch that we have digged with our need to be loved. The lover arrived but the lover wasn’t loving… but we took it anyway.
Self-respect is the first step towards knowing love.
“Helping others” is not at simple as we may imagine.
There are no “others” when we are aware of our interdependence.
When we perceive that the world is a mirror of that “me,” which will show me “who I am” without any need of using fancy definitions or beliefs, then perhaps the realization that “helping myself” as the first step in “helping others” will be evident.
“Helping myself” could be easily misunderstood. It is not about “building the self” but it is related with dissolving it. That means, to empty the mind. Flowing in life, means to connect with life. That connection is non analytical. There are no “pros” or “cons” to be weighed for action.
Someone may say that “he likes to take action” and “do something about an issue to help resolve it.”
Without “helping ourselves first” all we will “do” is what “we think is right.” Our beliefs will be displayed, hidden under the “holy keywords” known by all: “This is the truth; “ “This is what is right,” “This is justice,” etc.
For example: If we perceive the world as being ugly, bad, and rotten, it needs to be changed; etc. that perception is merely speaking about us. The “mirror” is working at that time.
If we look deeply inside ourselves, we may find a rejection inside us which is prompting for “action.” That rejection, is the intention behind our willingness to change something into what we perceive as “good.”
There cannot be any “good” done when our perception and intention are coming from rejection of that which we “want to change.”
Acceptance of things as “they are” is the first step, and that step goes along with a change in our perception. That is to “help yourself.”
That change is not intellectual, it is not something to make myself believe.
Our attitude may need to embrace openness, acceptance. Judgments need to go away.
We cannot “help others” when we are being separated “from them” through an idea in our minds.
A Christian cannot help a Buddhist. A German cannot help a British. If they “help,” they only build their ego-mind.
Someone who builds many temples to “help others” is residing in the egotistical mind.
Because he is separating himself from the “others.”
We need to be “them” so that change is not coming from an egotistical mind.
Paradoxically, by being them, there is no “helping others.”
Otherwise, we will “act” by emotional reaction. So “we feel good” about ourselves.
Nothing wrong with that; however, that cannot be called “helping others.”
Life is a journey. This life is a chapter of that journey. The journey continues on. Every journey is its own destination.
Arthur is a good friend of Ananda. Arthur is very sick due to eating without awareness, by not listening to his body.
Arthur told Ananda that he felt miserable because he wasn’t able to eat for the last 3 days. Arthur didn’t ask for help. He is a very proud individual.
Ananda felt Arthur’s sorrow and asked his friend Mathias, the wise tree; for a medicine for Arthur.
Ananda wanted to help Arthur….
Isn’t he a nice guy? 🙂
Mathias the wise tree responded:
“If you help him, how is Arthur going to learn? Arthur has his own journey and this disease is part of that.
Observe how Arthur’s situation is affecting you.
In life, situations will happen as triggers which will only teach the “life walker” to see his own reactions. Keep your joy and send him generous wishes.”
Ananda understood the words of Mathias, but he had a question.
“Mathias, how do I know when it is time to help and when it is not?”
“Observe your intention and rely in your intuition, but also know that unless someone asks for help, you may be interfering with his life.
Everyone has his own journey and his own timing.”
Note that “learning in life” as Arthur will do, could be viewed under another consciousness as having “bad karma.”
It will go something like this: “You are being punished by having that disease due to your bad actions. God is punishing you. You need to settle your karma and create good karma.”
That long sentence only brings fear to experience life, it infuses guilt and changes the perception of life into a dangerous game.
Life itself is the teacher for the individual who is aware.
A fruit in a tree is not ripe all the time. That fruit has a journey, a timing in which that fruit will change. The art of recognizing that change and the most appropriate time for that fruit to be eaten has no “rule of thumb” to follow. Every fruit has a different timing, we just need to observe, experience and respect that timing.
To “help others” is not a matter of “doing things” for the sake of changing someone or a circumstance according to what we “think” is right. That is just another egotistical action.
Timing is important, and to learn to wait for the “fruit to be mature enough” could be the greatest act of respect for another being’s development in life.
Living life is about experiencing life to gain valuable insight, thus any path that someone takes to search for answers about their own life will eventually lead that person to realize the self. It all goes back to the self, but that needs to be realized and not conceptualized.
It all depends on our state of consciousness. That consciousness is not modified by “following teachings,” but by gaining insight.
In this way, there is no repression in the self.
We could do something out of compulsion. That is not honest. We could behave in ways that we truly do not feel.
Heckle and Jeckle went to a “spiritual/meditation” class.
Jeckle wanted to help himself to gain “peace of mind” as he was going through “problems” in life. Jeckle started his search for meaning at that point. Before that “problem,” Jeckle had no desire to listen to anything “spiritual” as that was “boring stuff” for him. 🙂
Heckle on the other hand, was very experienced. He had experienced different religious groups, spiritual groups, self-help groups, new age groups, metaphysical groups, psychic groups, etc. Read many things, realized others and so on. In every experience Heckle gained valuable insight to continue in his personal path.
Jeckle was listening attentively to the teacher in that “spiritual” class. The teacher was wearing a particular robe which gave him an air of importance.
The teacher spoke about the mind in that class.
“What is the mind? What is its origin? What is its function?” He went on to explain his beliefs as if they were “facts.” Those beliefs were backed up by a book that he was reading to the audience. The book was written by his masters.
“The mind leaves the body. So if you are sleeping and then you think about India and then you die during your sleep… Guess where you are going to live in your next life?”
The teacher went on: “ Life is not just this experience that we have here, but there will be plenty of other lives in the future and the time to be engaged in making those future lives happy, is now; through pure spiritual practices. All problems are just thoughts created by the mind. A feeling of love for someone is just another thought.”
The teacher finished his class with a meditation in which he repeated the same concepts for the audience to repeat in their minds and thus, “realize” those concepts for “themselves.” 🙂
Heckle observed that what this teacher called the “mind,” that was called the “soul” in other religious views. He also realized that this teacher was giving importance to the future rather than the “now” and that this teacher wasn’t aware of feelings but only about emotions.
Finally, Heckle concluded that the teacher’s set of beliefs and concepts were not useful for him.
What is the purpose of having a concept about the mind or to play with concepts or beliefs about its origin and function, if Heckle had an experience of it…of what this “thing” is without further labels?
That first hand experience is what is useful to realize the self as an experience, not to have a concept about it or theoretical knowledge.
Heckle was waiting anxiously for the teacher to end his talk, to ask questions and to debunk that “teacher” who was talking “useless stuff” from his viewpoint.
After all Heckle was in favor of the “truth” and not in beliefs and stories based on “hand-me down” teachings. 🙂
When the teacher finished his talk, he asked everyone to speak with their seating neighbor about their own realizations in the class.
Heckle heard Jeckle’s viewpoint first.
Jeckle said: “Wasn’t that a great explanation about the mind? I never thought that the mind was so important. I ought to watch my mind from now on…”
When Heckle heard that from his friend; Heckle did not have the courage to debunk the teacher.
Heckle learned through that experience that life teaches everyone in different ways. From that moment, Heckle learned the importance to respect everyone’s path.
When we hear about “Tolerance” of faiths, that is just a concept. We could learn to tolerate someone who thinks and feel different from us, without ever listening to what that person is conveying.
That is “conceptual tolerance” that stuff we can learn from a nice book or a “teacher.”
However, when we experience the need to respect someone’s path in his search for meaning in life, then at that moment; tolerance becomes an unnecessary word. 🙂
Jeckle learned about his mind.
Heckle learned from that teacher something about himself which was very important in his self-realization.
Thus, everyone learned something new.
Jeckle is just beginning his journey for meaning in life. Jeckle is acquiring information to feed his mind with “new things” to think about.
Heckle has already gone through that and now Heckle is learning to free himself from that information and letting life itself be the teacher. Heckle is learning to trust and not to think too much.
Different paths. All going to the same place but with different timings.
The flowers in a garden will blossom at different times. The gardener’s job is to respect their personal timing.
First, we could observe that we are dealing with perceptions all the time. Those perceptions could be framed, interpreted and made into a dogma.
Religions and philosophies are based on a particular perception, which could be framed as “the truth.”
Dogmatic views will need to be “upgraded” as a software to survive. Otherwise, those views will automatically succumb. They will become obsolete. Dogmas cannot resist the changes in time.
Another interesting point to consider is the “fact” that we are never the same.
There is no moment in time when there is an “I” unchanged.
In brief: There is no “I.”
That “I” is ego. Ego tends to maintain an identity by holding onto beliefs and dogmas, which will bring that identity.
“I am this. Not that.”
Oscar said: “I had a divine experience and no one is going to change my beliefs. I respect other people’s beliefs and I ask for respect of mine as well.”
If we look deeply, Oscar is unwilling to see anything else. Oscar has reached a level of comfort. For him, life is about maintaining his beliefs as they “are.”
Religions may consider that view to be “courageous or great;” however, a belief only brings greater ego as a belief strengthens the search for security and identity of ego.
Here is the paradigm: Defending a belief or dogma brings greater ego… and ego is what is usually perceived as “bad” by most religions. Under their view, we need to get rid of our ego, but defend a dogma or a belief.
Ego is not “bad.” It is a consequence of growth. A baby becomes a mature individual and that “growth” brings a sense of identity. The issue is when that ego becomes hurtful by fostering separation. Then, dissolving that ego becomes the “new” challenge.
This is the “spiritual journey” or with more amplitude: This is “Living life with beauty and depth.”
Oscar does not realize that before that “divine experience,” he had a different way of looking at things. That “divine experience” was interpreted as “arriving” at some place.
Many call that “arrival,” the “truth.”
Avyakt7 calls that ego.
Rejection of other ideas is the natural consequence of embracing a particular belief.
“Having respect for another belief” is a “nice word” to say, when our ears are already closed for anything else. Respect does not mean to ignore something.
“But… God told me this. That is the truth!”
Truth cannot be put into words when words carry duality and duality is just a perception. 🙂
If the above sinks in, then to use rationality, logic, etc. as a way to discover truth, is out of the game.
Because logic, rationality, etc. are dependent on words.
Do we see the game? 🙂
To understand our minds is the first step to understand the self. Without that precious work, there is not a possibility to live life to the fullest.
As everything is a perception, even as the static “I” is a perception begging for continuity, what may be the intelligent way to proceed in life?
To be fearful of perceptions? To say “the world is an illusion”? 🙂
How about to enjoy it …Just as when we go to play “laser tag.” It is an experience. We could choose to be fearful of the game…but at the same time we could choose to enjoy it…
Enjoyment is an attitude in life. It is the appreciation of the uniqueness of life, of a moment in life. Here and Now. Enjoyment does not come in the future. It has to be now. Now or never…
Because “I” will not be the same in the future. That is, a second from now.
To be afraid means to look for a savior, for someone to follow, for someone who has the answers, for someone who could give us comfort, etc.
That is a state of consciousness of many in the world.
To be able to move out of fear into enjoyment, could be a daunting leap of faith for some. It doesn’t have to be… it will come at its right time as long as we let it happen… A baby becomes an adult without doing anything.
That is the beauty of change. Life is change. Consciousness changes.
But..but.. I have to do something!!!
Just let it happen. 🙂
For public Information,
I’m not down with Homogenization
One size fits the Whole lot?
Within each One is a Beautiful part!
Each, a unique Piece to the puzzle of life
Then, prêt ell, what is Wrong or Right?
The inner compass that guides,
Is one of a kind, for you, just as is mine.
This treasure gem, a great secret of life..
Is that Only you know what’s right… For You.
Once you know this, you Respect and understand…
that others too have a Perfect Place in this plan.
Thank you for your question!
You didn’t share as to why people make “fun of you.” but if you find the reason why, “look beyond the surface,” that which you find common between you and others, that is what you need to experience to create that self respect that you are looking for. “Be nothing and you will be everything.” That is be empty, feel the void of your true nature, the soul; and there is nothing that others could make fun of.
Below some articles that you may find interesting about self-respect.
Thank you for your great question.
We are so used to giving the definition of those 2 words and analyzing them so we can compare them and then come up with an answer based on the game of “words.”
When there is fear there is no love. If there is no love, you cannot respect anyone.
Therefore, respect will emerge automatically once fear is gone.
Fear will be gone in your case, when you do not see people as your “boss/elder/superior,” etc.
They may have those roles, but love is between soul to soul, not role to role.
Fear from losing a job, from being screamed at, from being treated “disrespectfully,” are the issues. We are still looking for “self-respect” on others approval. That takes away our freedom to be.
These are the issues that I would like to suggest to consider.