It was noon. The Sunlight appeared bringing some smiles. It was finally escaping from the prolonged grayness of Winter time. Many times in Life, we miss that which is now gone and take that for granted while with us. There, we live in the realm of memories. What is not real anymore, becomes our reality.
The disciple and the master were observing a plant in a flowerpot. The master said:” Today you look a little distant. Are you alright?”
The disciple looked down and said: “ My little brother had an ejaculation for the first time. He is feeling guilty for he masturbated. I put off our talk so I could think what to tell him. I feel uncomfortable and I do not know what to say since I am his big brother.”
The master listened to his disciple, took a few seconds and responded: “ I understand. What is your experience with masturbation?”
The disciple felt uncomfortable, that was a taboo conversation but he found some courage and said: “ I also masturbated at one time. I don’t know why I felt guilty. I used to pray to God asking for forgiveness as I couldn’t help it. It became a habit like an addiction and I felt depleted of energy as time went on. Now that habit is gone, but I understand that my spiritual efforts and inner changes have helped me to perceive and feel sexuality from a different perspective and I am afraid that my brother will take my experience and my current state as something better than his and feel guilty about it. I don’t want for him to feel guilt as I did.”
The master could understand his disciple’s emotions and said: “ Sexuality is an expression. That is all. That expression could be loving, violent, ugly, lustful, pleasurable, and any other adjective you could think of. That expression expresses who we are. Nothing else. You cannot be violent one day and loving another day through sex. That is an illusion. You are what you are and the expression will be there until your BEING changes.
There is the ideal of sexuality which is the loving expression, but there is a reality at this time as well; where many do not know what love is. Guilt arrives when the ideal is not your experience: When you unconsciously feel as if your vitality runs away even though you only look for pleasure, or when you realize that your promises not to indulge in that act, cannot be kept.”
The disciple knew that to be his case, but knew that others did not have that same experience. The disciple asked:” Master, how is it that others do not experience the same as I did?”
The master replied:”That is the wonder of consciousness. It is different for every individual. It is a matter of sensibility. There are some who can murder animals or even people, consciously without feeling any remorse. Completely unaware of the consequences. Those cannot feel the same as you but yet those are human beings the same as you are. In that realization, is how compassion arises. They require different answers to the same questions that you have. Therefore, answers are according to the level of consciousness of a person.”
Then the master immediately changed the conversation :”Do you see that plant in the pot? Like a child, its growth depends on someone else ’s care. We can water the plant, give it nourishment so it will grow and blossom. Guilt, shame and self righteous beliefs associated with fear of sexuality will only make that water leak at the bottom of that pot continuously. The nourishment will be gone. Do you understand?”
The disciple understood that comparison quite well, but still did not know how to approach and advise his brother. He wanted to hear clear cut ‘words of wisdom’ from his master and repeat that to his little brother.
The disciple said: “What do I tell my brother, then?”
The master smiled and said: “ That depends on you. There are no right or wrong answers. Perhaps tell him your experience, in that way he will know something different and more reliable than the typical social conditioning and peer pressure. Remember that what is truly important is your intention. If you intend to suppress his experience by inflicting fear and guilt, it will make him fearful and guilty if he trusts you. That water will leak at the bottom of the pot. On the other hand, if you congratulate him for he has reached a new stage in his life, where he is capable of bringing new life in a loving relationship; and tell him about the value of his seed for his own health and well being; you will be helping him by nourishing his growth. After all, that experience is only his to go through just like you had your own.”
The disciple said: “Master, sex could be very pleasurable and addictive…”
The master responded: “ Remember that pleasure is the prelude of pain and vice versa. That is the reality of duality that we are meant to experience in Life. Avoidance of both sides, is not living Life. While most will pursue only one side of that duality, the other side is unavoidable. Therefore, BE in the middle. Experiences are meant to be experienced but if you are a conscious human being, you will notice when there is no harmony in your life. That realization will steer you towards the balancing act. Nevertheless; as your spiritual stage increases you will be able to hold your seed at will naturally, and released it at will. That is the other side of the coin, which is seldom experienced.”
The disciple had one more question to redeem himself. He didn’t know how to put it, but he took the chance: “Master,” he said, “is masturbation bad?”
The master looked at him with tenderness and said: ” That is not a human moral issue where we label something as right or wrong. Do you remember the talk we had about the limits of adaptation in Life? To explore yourself and your potential is not bad, is not wrong. The intention behind the action drives the quality of it. However, if this becomes a compulsive habit then you are cutting yourself off from the complete experience while draining your life force. That is a consequence not a punishment. Learn from your own experience. What humans call ‘problems’ will evolve in different ways with different individuals. In your case, it went to side A, for others it will be the opposite, side B. For both sides, a learning experience will come out only if you are attentive, aware.”
It was a cloudy, gray and moody day. Most did not want to come out unless they had to. Winter was silently tiptoeing its way into the city as an expert burglar; stealing precious Nature time from unaware citizens. Nevertheless, that was the moment of blossoming of many flowers, a moment to admire that bright shade of green color in Nature and to enjoy that distinct morning grassy smell; while birds were harmoniously singing and chirping for only those who could have ears to listen. Nature has a bright side even in the darkest day.
On another scene, the disciple was in a heated discussion with his neighbor during that cold morning. The disciple was right in his complaint but the neighbor continued with his diatribes. After a few moments which seemed like an eternity, the disciple walked away and went to see his master. The disciple explained that scene and waited for his master’s words.
The master said: “Ego is a coward in disguise. Ego is afraid. Ego will look for an enemy to discuss, to fight because otherwise; it will have so much fear that it will sense its own dissolution. If ego is not utilized, it dies and disappears but not everyone has the courage to break away from that identity of themselves and to realize that as it is outside; it is inside. How did you feel during that battle?”
The disciple responded: “I felt very tense during those minutes, master. Now, I feel depleted.”
The master then replied: “Do you know the difference between sexual orgasm and ejaculation? The difference is Tension. To relax means to open up to life beyond the feeling of annoyance or hassle. Many times we just want to liberate ourselves from a bothersome relation as soon as possible thus, we are in complete tension. When there is this intention of ‘getting rid of’ before meeting that one, then that becomes an ejaculation. Then exhaustion appears, tiredness and a sensation of annoyance almost as if you had a relationship with a girlfriend where you need to ejaculate many times to demonstrate your virility. The end result is an uncomfortable feeling with her smell, her presence, her skin. Thereby; an orgasm means relaxation, to surrender in infinite pleasure. Ego does not like to surrender. It likes to fight, to run high. However, deeply in that personality there is a broken heart. Proud as no other of something which does not have. A complete illusion.”
The disciple understood his master’s words but he wanted to know what he needed to DO in such circumstance. The master responded: “ Only Presence. Thoughtless awareness. Whatever is there it has to be as it is; but if you remain consciously present that which is there in conflict, will dissolve by itself.”
The disciple then said: “Master, that person was acting in a crazy manner. The world is Crazy!”
The master listened, smiled and answered: “To live in a mental hospital has its pleasant side when you know that you are a doctor. But when you begin to fall ill from listening about diseases, when you become afraid of a disease or when you feel bothered by a sick patient; in that moment your vocation to help humanity goes away. Then obligation, a sense of duty comes in to replace vocation. Ego bubbles up as soap in that situation. Ego suffers in that sense of obligation and that will keep it alive. Trapped in that circle of feeling annoyance and hassle, bitterness appears.
Remember: Tension brings rigidity and that will end up breaking down your own body. Thinking about those events after the fact, attracts further tension. Feelings of goodness on the other hand, will evade it and settle into relaxation. Relaxation does not come by thinking about it or by forcing ourselves to be relax. It naturally comes in the awareness of tension.”
Sexuality has been separated from spirituality and religious beliefs. The dichotomy is viewed many times as opposites rather than complementary.
The phrases: “pleasure of the flesh” or “temptations of the flesh” convey a lesser evolved way than the spiritual one, which is believed to be asexual, “pure.”
In spirituality it is well known that “we” are energy (subtle energy, that is) as many have the awareness of different subtle bodies besides the physical one. The word “I” then, has another meaning.
Sexuality is perceived many times to be about the union of sexual organs with an objective: To procreate or to experience pleasure. That is the extent of mainstream human sexuality.
However, arousal which is the ignition key in sexuality; is all subtle energy. It is completely unconscious when it happens until we gain some awareness when it has happened. That is the beginning of that subtle energy manifesting in some sort of conscious way. After that for most men, it may feel as if opening the sink water at full force. It is a matter of a couple minutes before it fills the sink with pleasurable sensation and then, it overflows… That is the extent of sexuality for many.
That is subtle vital energy overflowing. That lack of “control” is what most men are looking to “improve” through many techniques and “high tech products” or participation in some retreat.
Sexuality is an extension of our spiritual nature. Procreation is energy creating energy. While having pleasure, is energy re-energizing itself. Although, for most men at this time, re-energizing is not fully experienced, while on the other hand; depletion is well known.
Because as humans we are living with violence, repressions and fear, we have damaged the subtle conduits of energy which will not allow us to “control” the force running through the “sink water.” Most men are trying to control through will power, or using best-seller techniques and so on; but the damage in the “pipes” cannot be fixed through those techniques. Yes, we could be careful, we could use many tricks; but that is all artificial, for that “control” or regulation happens automatically when the subtle “pipes” are working fine; therefore, there is no need for the mind to be involved at all. Thus, you are free to experience the experience, for the mind only deteriorates and interrupts the feeling of experiencing.
“Fixing” our violent ways, repressions and fears, will in turn fix the damaged conduits. That will change the perception and experience of male sexuality 360 degrees.
Why is pornography so popular in most men’s experience? Because it displays that which we repress. The armor of taboos and preconceptions are there to be challenged with what we unconsciously would like to experience but we cannot through heavy conditioning. Also, for most the mind is the most important “sexual organ” and when the sexual experience is not fulfilling, then the mind craves for more mental stimulus. Pornography as it is today; shows the association of violence with sexuality. It sends the message that violence is “good sex.” It sends the message that human sexuality is reduced only to the interplay of physical sexual organs. It sends the message that man has the “duty” to “make” the female enjoy sex while he is convulsively moving his hips back and forward in a tiring and violent way; while holding on for dear life. It appears to be almost a sweet torture. Pornography sends the message that sex ends with male ejaculation, and that that is necessary for men and women to feel satisfaction. Pornography lacks the depth of portraying human sensuality at its best, and because of that it lacks emotional intimacy, which is another level in the experience of human sexuality.
No wonder human sexuality has been taken apart from spirituality.
Definitely, there are other ways to experience human sexuality and one of those, is intimately related with spirituality. There are temples in India portraying that, even though; many will not understand why and rather use rejecting labels such as “impure,” or “filthy.”
Once we go through the road of fixing the “sink water,” we will know that there are no shortcuts. It is a road of self understanding and self-observation, where the mind and its conditioned tricks are caught one by one. It is a road of healing by harmonizing our dualistic nature of male-female. It is a road of patience as it takes time and… of course, practice.
Sexuality at that point could not possibly be viewed as “sinful” or “dirty.” Instead, it becomes one of the most beautiful experiences that man could have, which will allow us to grow in harmony, stability and love.
As we ARE so is the expression of our sexuality. Sexuality and Spirituality have always been one.
The discovery of the reforming (the passage from mind to heart) and revitalizing effects of sexuality are in direct proportion to the development of consciousness, that is the manifestation of BEING without impediments to open up, to trust Life.
Bluntly put, in my experience without a “higher” consciousness (as a consequence of the assimilation of Life experiences without traumatic tones,) there could not be the experience of revitalizing, reforming and loving sex (Tantric Sexuality.) Therefore, Sexuality is intimately meshed with Spirituality to fully experience its benefits.
There is no class, no certification, no teaching that could transform someone into BEING the embodiment of Tantra. However, all those teachings are helpful for most to increase their awareness and information of something different about sexuality, which is not transmitted or taught by our deeply conditioned, violent and dormant society. There is benefit in everything.
The “road” to Tantric sexuality is not easy. It requires the space, the time to discover, to practice and to assimilate. Someone coming from the “busy world,” doesn’t have what it takes. Their minds will not leave them alone.
All ideas about “achievement” are a hindrance, a deep obstacle in learning to let go. There is no deep sexual enjoyment unless we let go.
A man has tremendous pressure: The pressure to last. The pressure to maintain. The pressure to be there “present.” All of those things are natural for a man who has liberated himself from past traumatic experiences and who feels at ease with his own body and the natural expressions of it. Those traumas take their own time to clear, for otherwise; it may be highly counterproductive. Our minds could be our deepest obstacle.
Observe how proponents of a “new sexuality” direct their “teachings.”
It goes something like this: “ A man needs to control his ejaculation. He needs to learn that ejaculation is not the same as orgasm. He can have orgasms but no ejaculation. Ejaculation depletes a man’s vitality.”
They offer methods, techniques, meditations, etc. to “achieve” that.
I say, that is a very violent teaching. “When we want to build a house, we need to put a strong foundation.” That is a well known cliché.
The foundation of sexuality is spirituality. That is to learn to live Life in enjoyment, in harmony. A person full with unhealed traumas, is not ready for that yet. The foundation is not there.
A man trying to restrain from ejaculating, is forcing himself into something which he is not ready. That “goal” is something which HAPPENS naturally. It is not something to get DONE through effort, through practice, through some method. This is the same “sin” that many religions perform: Get to the “ideal” to be saved, to be pure, special, etc. It doesn’t matter where you are in Life. Just fit the ideal. That “practice” will bring violent repression. What could be the “solution” in the meantime? To learn moderation. That takes inner knowledge.
As shared many times, sexuality only expresses who we ARE. Thus, by understanding our own self, there is an opportunity for natural change of BEING, which will be expressed naturally in sexuality.
We cannot force self change. We cannot make it “happen.” It happens. We can only change bahavior; the DOING part, but never change the true BEING. The inner world, our consciousness is not regimented or controlled by the way we understand Life. Our human conditioning is geared to use force, the use of will power to overcome, the use of moral values to give us self righteousness to act in what we perceive to be “right.” That is an ego centered way of understanding Life.
The misinterpretation of Tantric sexuality is evident. We want to “make sense of things,” and shape our understanding into some philosophy or view, which we are willing to apply to all. Life doesn’t move along those lines. “Just Do it,” doesn’t do it in self-realization.
Life is an untold discovery of ourselves. Sexuality expresses our journey as an artist expresses through a paint. From the outside, we judge and put a label to that paint according to our conditioning, likes or dislikes. However, the paint is only an expression of an artist, as long as the paint is not being done just to please others.
Most individuals at this time have their consciousness located in the mind. From that experience, sexuality has a different perception.
There, most men will experience sexual excitement only located in the genital area. This impulse is uncontrollable and most likely will end in ejaculation. Duration of this experience depends on the ability of the person to withhold the force of his sexual energy. It is a struggle. For this person, satisfaction is equal to release, and the experience of relaxation afterwards.
Ejaculation for a man, takes its toll in vitality depending on frequency and age. Nevertheless; at this level of consciousness, to repress ejaculation will be detrimental for a man’s health. It will be a struggle instead of an opportunity for enjoyment, for it is not natural.
Sexuality for those whose consciousness is mainly located in the heart, is located beyond the initial excitement, which translates into a longer and much slower experience of sex. The focus is not only in the genital area but the sensations of the whole body. When the mind is away, there will be full enjoyment of sensuality through the sense of touch. Repressed sensuality brings the ever search of satisfaction through the mind (known as lust), which in our visual society; is experienced in the consumption of pornography or subconscious sexual driven thoughts.
In the heart center, currents of energy could be felt which when naturally directed towards the head (6th chakra) will bring elation and a sense of well being. As the body learns to relax through this energy, then sex becomes a “slow dance” and a male will not have the urgent need to ejaculate, which in turn means to feel satisfied and energetically “re-charged.” This description when there is exchange of energy, has been labeled as “sexual Tantra.”
To be “re-charged” means to gain vitality. This aspect is little known about sexuality. It is not only “fun” or pleasurable as most know, but it is a way to recharge the vitality of a person.
In the “heart center”, a man is able to meet the natural arousal of a woman, as things will go slower and longer. Also, while in the mind; a man is usually visual and physical attraction is the key to engage with sexual partners, whereas in the heart center there needs to be emotional “attraction” as well. There needs to be more levels of congruence than just casual “fun.”
The “heart center” is not obtained through a technique. It is a level of consciousness which appears when internal, psychological healing has happened. That is the “spiritual inner work” that is necessary.
This “work” entails the liberation of traumas, taboos and especially, the dissolution of that violent energy, which for most has an evident outlet in sexuality.
This type of “inner work” takes time, but a different kind of sexuality will be the outcome.
Most individuals are conditioned to believe that there is a separation between human sexuality and “spirituality”. That is not the case according to my own experience. Human sexuality needs to begin with “self-love”. This is not some romantic idea; but as we could love another, we may need to star our journey by loving ourselves starting with our bodies; for within that understanding and observation of our own experience, we will be able to fully meet another.
The experience of human sexuality is the true expression of who we ARE in Life.
Tantra is the discovery of our limiting personality. Thus, Tantra “opens ourselves up” in such a way as
diluting that which we call “self.”
In my experience, Tantra is the discovery of no-self. How? “self” will open until there isn’t.
Thus, Tantra cannot be for everyone. We need to be ready for it; otherwise, it will be misinterpreted as it has been the case.
Some believe that Tantra embraces debauchery. “Tantra followers get drunk, have all sorts of sex and eat meat as a way of finding enlightenment.”
That is a gross misunderstanding. Whoever “practices” that, does not know what Tantra is.
Tantra as a “spiritual” path will allow us to observe our repressions. For instance, a yogi (one who truly follows the path of yoga) does not drink alcohol. A yogi does not eat meat. A yogi does not have sex. If there is repression while following those “disciplines” (sadhana) when that individual changes to Tantra, it is usually to indulge in his repressions.
As our society is sexually repressed, the attraction of Tantra resides in the sexual aspect. Individuals will find that there is a “spiritual path” agreeing with their desires. Again, that is another gross misinterpretation, for their “real” objective is a license to indulge in their repressions, feeling accepted without the feeling of guilt.
For example, when we observe ourselves and discover that we are afraid of another color of skin, when we discover that we are not open to different genders, or nationalities, when we value a particular political party, ideology or religion and belittle others, when we criticize to support self-righteousness, when we discover that, we are in the path of Tantra.
However, one thing is to discover our hang ups and a different thing is when that grudge or trauma goes away. We can make ourselves believe that we ARE open to those issues but something inside us has resistance, rejection, then; we are being dishonest. It is just the mind accepting a new “program” but not the heart. It is the heart the one in need of “opening up.”
The first step is to discover. Life will give us the tools to change and transform those hang ups when we are ready, when our desire to transform is true just for the sake of it, and not driven by another desire.
In my opinion, many traumas, hang ups and grudges will need to go away BEFORE exploring our sexual aspect. For the heart needs time to open up and the mind needs space to lose its overwhelming grip on us. Then, we may discover what “making love” truly means. That is Tantra.
Without this previous “work,” we only have the “tantra” of techniques, sexual retreats, and massages.
The hang ups are still there, but with a new toy to play, a new label to use, a new source of palliative “self-help.”
In society, every repression or neediness we experience, may be a source of profit for others. Profit seekers may label that opportunity as “helping others.”
Most Humans at this time are out of touch with their sense of “self” but paradoxically, there is selfishness without awareness of it.
No wonder, an opinion from someone else, whether from a “teacher,” a “guru,” a “scientist,” a “priest” etc. becomes the yardstick to measure our own “goodness” or “worthiness.” We live through the perceived acceptance of others rather than through our own experience. Why? Because we want to be “right.” It is that fear the one that will not allow us to OBSERVE.
For those “practicing” “sacred” sexuality, not to ejaculate becomes important. Those who do not practice this, are engaged in “mundane” sexuality, that means the opposite extreme.
For the common man, that desire to become “better” brings its own issues. He IS not ready yet but, the IDEAL becomes important in order to be “right.”
READY means that this person is in a process of dissolution of his own “darkness” or “shadows” or “hang ups,” etc. That is a “spiritual” man. As those emotional burdens clear, then all the internal sexual channels will align and energies will flow with ease. Most, are not aware of this. Most believe that their “success or failure” is in the tip of their penises!
For that “spiritual” man, the question of “ejaculation or not” is of no consequence. Naturally, this man will be able to regulate his sexual energy. He does not need to think or “practice” a technique.
In fact, this man could have as much sex as he wants and ejaculate when he wants. That is what for most is labeled as “mastery.”
It is obvious that a “normal” man will only try to imitate something that he IS not READY. That imitation will not be a source of joy but of worry and guilt.
When a man IS in that state of inner work with his own shadows, then sex IS “sacred,” for this man IS “spiritual.” That is how sexuality and spirituality meet.
Observe the emphasis on “techniques” of those who ARE not there. Observe the hypocrisy of those who believe to have “conquered” their own devils. Sex will show where they are, without a doubt.
The “normal” man may need to ejaculate every time he has sex to feel fulfilled. The “normal” man may need some sort of regulation so he does not deplete himself from his own vitality. The “normal” man may need “practice,” to emulate what he IS not.
When someone joins a spiritual group and he is forbidden to experience sex or to ejaculate, that is the effort to copy some IDEAL that is not truly REAL. The “normal” man IS not there. “Practice” means to add a layer of repression, self-denial and self-righteousness; that is to increase the “shadows” within. That is not “bad,” as long as we are AWARE of what is happening.
In Life, everyone is different and whenever someone gives a concrete “answer” or a “solution,” that person is only reducing the ample spectrum of possibilities. That question whether to ejaculate or not, shouldn’t burden our minds. Become AWARE of the FEELING. How do you feel in the moment, the “now”?
Be your own teacher by learning to be your own student. Listen. OBSERVE. Become AWARE of your own mental games, needs and wants. Acknowledge CHANGE within, so the “answer” given yesterday could be changed into something new today.
The question whether to ejaculate or not, is a mental problem made by those who are more concerned in being “right,” than to learn about themselves.
For those who are AWARE, “mistakes” are necessary steps to learn. But for those who are not aware, “mistakes” are an enhancement of their own silliness.
Observe that “mistakes” could be “good” or “bad” depending on who you ARE. The same is in sex, in love and in Life.
However, in our society; what we DO is deemed more important than who we ARE. That is how dishonesty increases. That is how we copy the actions of others believing that by DOING those, we become the same. That is an illusion.
Acknowledge who you ARE. Learn from it.