Tagged: trauma

When “Love” is not corresponded

A reader asked to go into this topic.
First, for most people “love” is the duality between hate and love.
For most people, you “love” what you possess and you hate it, if you cannot.
For most people, you suffer if you don’t love, and if you do; you still suffer for there is fear of abandonment. You want security.
For most people, “love” is a problem.

In a “romantic” relationship as long as someone is not psychologically independent, self-sufficient, there will be neediness. How do you “fix” this?
By loving yourself first. By being at ease with your own company.

Love to the self is not an idea. By caressing yourself, touching your hand with love, taking care of your body and your overall wellness, by enjoying your own presence alone… we will learn to feel love for our presence, to pamper ourselves. Crazy?
That is what we have learned in our society. You DO those things to another, but never to yourself… That is sickening… Well, if you want to go somewhere as as a seeker, you must start with acceptance of “you.” That acceptance means to understand that in “You,” the 2 poles of masculine and feminine are present.

If you are not ready for this, then you will look for another to “love” as a hungry man looks for food, for his belly has a need that must be satisfied.

That is why, LOVE is the natural consequence of BEING at PEACE with yourself.
Before that, we cannot speak about love, but about the duality of hate/love- Infatuation.

Thus, according to our consciousness, we will respond to a not corresponded romantic love.
In the most common type of consciousness, it will be about feeling anger, hate to protect our ego. When the ego is traumatized, even some “romantics” could take their life away. For them, Life has ended.
As we reach internal maturity, when we ARE love; Love still will exist, although the original person may not be there to share it with. That experience is welcomed for that is how we learn to remain vulnerable and open despite emotional pain. To learn to deal with that emotional anguish is certainly a proof of maturity.
Hope is over. It is time to move on. Moving on means to be open for another experience without the burden of the past.

What we see as attractive in another is not our choice. The way we feel for another, we did not choose. Do we see that?
The experience of not being corresponded only increases the size of our heart through assimilated pain when the ego does not make it into a traumatic experience. Life is a game! Our openness to love shall remain to grow. When you close yourself, Life is over. You may have security, but your mental jail cannot be called Life or to be free.

Paradoxically, emotional pain is what allows the expansion of our consciousness when accepted.
If we see the “educational” side of that experience, there will growth. If we focus on the trauma, there will be pain, bitterness, hate and insecurity… More ego.

That same emotional experience can have 2 different effects to different type of consciousness.
Therefore, every situation depends on who you ARE at that time.

The trauma of living Life

“Superhero” movies illustrate how a past traumatic experience could direct our Life. The superhero has powers to overcome the “bad” guys but he cannot overcome his own pain.
An interesting common condition between superheroes, is the painful trauma of their childhood. Most of the time, it has something to do with parents: Killed parents, lost parents, tough parents, etc.

A “superhero” will live in the “now” with that past pain. To be “good,” helpful, to put his life in danger is the antidote to an otherwise unbearable pain.

Most movies make of that “superhero” character a martyr, a near-saint, who is willing to sacrifice himself for the “good” of others.

The “drama” of these movies reside in how the superhero cannot forget the past. He is continuously living in the past and trying to make things “right” in the present to calm down his feeling of futility to change his past, which is tinted by anger and guilt.

A superhero wears a mask to protect his identity and to protect his “loved ones” from “evil” repercussions. Thus, fear is part of his experience.
The mask will give a superhero the opportunity to be who he cannot be, without the mask.

The pain, the trauma of something which has happened  is not allowed to go. That incident shapes his ego.

That experience of suffering has built a strong ego who is typically looking for revenge, to get even, to express anger due to an unbearable experience.
To help “others” means to change someone destiny, which is something that he couldn’t do for himself. That is how in a subtle way, the superhero gets even with Life.

Paradoxically, suffering is what will dissolve the illusion of the ego, when the time comes to surrender.
The superhero must surrender to life to heal, to be someone new. The word “surrender” is not an accurate description of “giving yourself into” Life, by stopping the rejection of a past experience. That is opening yourself to Life.

The ego is the child of that “past tense” mind. Although an illusion, it becomes a source of identity and the pain will be proportional to size of that ego.

We don’t see experiences as building blocks for change. We catalog experiences as “good or bad” according to the moral value that we have upon them. That value system is not congruent with Life.

Ego arrives when our fight, our rejection of what has happened is strong. Because of our inability to control the outcome; we could try to destroy ourselves in a desperate attempt to “win.”

That is why a person with such pain, is unable to know what love is.
Their love is only a moral standard: “To do good unto others.” But the quality of their actions is not consistent with their true feelings.
Their “good” is coming out of their pain. Life is not a celebration for them, but a traumatic experience, where “self-protection” from others becomes the number one priority.

That is how the ego encloses itself into a box, there may be “good” actions, “good” deeds when viewed from the outside, but the inside is colored by anger, pain, trauma and fear…

Obviously there cannot be love when we are inflicting pain to ourselves. If we cannot love ourselves, how could we love others?

That is why a simplistic morality which only judges the value of a person from their actions, is not concerned with the well being of the individual. Actions are just the face of the clown as the “show must continue”… but; the clown is crying inside.
No one seems to care about that… not even the clown himself. After all, there is no time for that, when “others need you.”

It is that belief the one that perpetuates lack of self-respect. Paradoxically; our society may call that love to yourself as being “egotistical” which in turn, is the source of dishonest human behavior, spiritual self-lies, and political correct facades.


Life is… We interpret

Life does not give teachings. We recognize them as such.

Bart is an avid bicycle rider. He loves the sensation of being caressed by the air… the feeling of sweat running down his body through pedaling. He also appreciates the light and shine of a Sunny day, its warmth and overall nourishment…

Shorts and a visor is all he needs; but if he could do with less clothing; he would.

One morning, he went on and had a flat tire. That was the first time in many years. As he didn’t have a repair kit with him, he walked back. Fortunately he didn’t have to walk that much. That was the first calling.

Bart decided to buy a repair kit with a tube in case he had a flat again.
As Life has it a few weeks later; Bart had another flat in the rear tire, which is the most difficult one to change. Bike riders stopped by to ask if Bart needed help, but Bart thought that he could handle it. Because Bart had a spare tube, he was able to change the tire and fortunately there was an air station close by to fill the tire with air.
Bart was happy of his good luck! 🙂 He resumed pedaling … but on his way back… He had another flat!

Fortunately as the first time, he didn’t have to walk too much.
That was the second call.

Bart hesitated to bring a pump with him. Too much of a hassle! He thought.

A few months after that incident, Bart had another flat tire! This time he was far away from the air station and no one seemed to stop to give him a hand! It was the rear tired of course, Bart managed to change it but he had no air to fill it!
Barefooted and without help he walked for 1 hour. There was no biker carrying a pump with them and no one seemed to care…

What is the moral of this story?
We could come up with many things.
“Always bring a pump with you! Could be such one.”
“Don’t rely on anyone. Carry all you need with you.”
“Don’t ride a bicycle outdoors. It is dangerous!”
“Pray before you go on your bike journey.”
“Get a better a bike…”

As Bart was walking back, he caught his thoughts in “complaining mode.” Once he caught them, they were released and he was able to appreciate the sunshine, the walk back without purpose, the feeling that at the end, there is no particular place to go, no need to hurry up, but just to look at the scenery and enjoy the view.

Bart did not make of that story a traumatic experience.

In Life many times we receive “warnings.” If we don’t hear them good enough, the following time will be even harder to hear, but it is the “I” meeting the challenge of the day, who will interpret the need for change. It could be the pain, the sorrow, the grief, the uncomfortable situation, which could traumatize that “I” to the point of making a shift… but that is not truly change…

That is just a fight between the “I” and Life. The “I” does not have a chance, but the “I” will keep trying. Once the “I” gives up, surrenders, etc. we may believe that we have changed for the best, that we flow in Life, let go, move on etc.

We do not.

True change does not happen through surrender, through the feeling of being crushed by Life as a victim…

Change comes when while living an episode; there is no biased story in our minds.

Bring your pump with you but not out of fear.
If you fell off the bike, stand up and keep walking… if you can… If you remember the story with intensity, the pain; fear will be created and the bike, which is a simple bike… will be feared.
A trauma has been created.

To trust Life is to know that whatever direction it will take us, it will be the absolute best for us. That direction is not our destination, but just another biking path to try, enjoy and move on…That is known as to live.

The virtue of Oneness


A virtuous life is the one lived with oneness.
Oneness in our personality. Oneness in our emotions. Oneness in our relationship with life.

Any sort of perceived separation and thus, rejection; will take us away from that Oneness.

The above is not a matter of belief. It is not a matter of being a “selected one,” it is not a matter of being an intellectual full of information.

It is a matter of being empty of all those things, which create a personality ready to reject, to separate, to analyze to live in duality, to live in the perception of a wall of insurmountable dichotomy.

Rejection of a religious group. Rejection of moral views. Rejection of people due to some belief. Rejection of any being, which we find “ugly,” “no good,” “despicable,” “abominable,” etc.
Rejection of any circumstance that is surrounding us at any moment in time.

When there is no rejection, then enjoyment is and in that enjoyment, oneness appears.

A collective consciousness which is fragmented, will see a set of virtuous living behaviors: Generosity, detachment, love, toleration, friendliness, compassion, contentment, joy, etc.

All of those dictionary words represent a fragment of Oneness. A particular person may exhibit what we call “generosity,” but that is a ray of Oneness in the vacuum of darkness of the fragmented self.

Love is a misunderstood feeling.
It is not a romantic trip to Disneyland where the lovers could love each other forever… A person exhibiting a fragmented personality cannot know what love is.

It doesn’t matter if the object of that love is the world, another person or God.
A fragmented personality is not able to become one… that means; to be empty of all beliefs, emotional traumas and fears.

How on earth a person could know about oneness, about love in that condition? 🙂

A typical person only knows about the “master and slave” relationship. It is “me” over you. It is “me” under you. That is all. There are no equals, because to be equal means to be empty.

Empty so we could listen. So we could provide emotional comfort to another, so we could harmonize… so we could be intimate.

Otherwise, our fragmented personality will not allow us to experience oneness with someone, with God or with the world, with life.

The above is not a religious belief. But it could be for those who are not looking to understand themselves, with honesty and with their whole hearts.
That is with passion.

When someone does not wish to understand himself, then to be lost in another is desirable. Whether that is God or another person, or a belief, the aim is for someone else to “drive” the car of our destiny.

The interesting thing is that nobody can do that for us. Not even God.

We live in fear.

Fear of tomorrow. Fear of the past. Fear of that person. Fear of God. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of pleasure. Fear of dying…. Fear of living life.

And then we wish to know love… 🙂
Isn’t that contradictory?

Love is Oneness.