“Salutations! I am 18 years old and I have experienced a five month period where I feel to have transformed sexual lust into love for all beings. Occasionally sexual lust would arise but I would observe it and it would rise into my heart and result in a strong feeling of love and compassion. However, this was in India. When I got back home, surrounded by emotional triggers, it has resulted in sexual lust being more present. It’s so present, in fact, that my dream last night was sexual in nature. I’ve masturbated once in 5 months and I haven’t had any sexual dreams until being home. Now it seems to come up every four or five days and it can be difficult for me to sit back and observe. I am questioning whether to engage in healthy sexual activities or to continue attempting to observe and continue my meditative practice. I feel my mind is just seeking sensual pleasure and that I have the presence to transform it if I simply sit with it and keep practicing meditation – but I’m a little worried I’m beginning to repress the feelings which would result in deep rooted tension and desire. What do you think? Thank you so much.”
Thank you for your question!
It appears to me that you are standing between 2 boats in the ocean. One of them, is pulling you to the right; the other to the left. If you don’t do anything, it will come to a point where your legs will spread apart very far and you will feel pain and then, the ocean will be your only possibility to go and hopefully, you will know how to swim! 🙂
Emotions are a tricky part of the human psyche. When you are in a dream those emotions will act so, the dream will be like “real” life. As you know, the only way to know that it wasn’t real is when you wake up. Therefore, your unconscious will play out what the conscious is rejecting. Please remember this.
Because you are young, your sexual drive is at its peak now. Please be aware of that. The experience that you had in India is something to cherish, for it is showing you what you are capable of achieving, if you have that aim; however, there is no “free lunch” in this and you will have to conquer sex lust and that is work to do, which will take some time. It is not that easy but it can be done.
First, ask yourself what is the reason why you want to be celibate. You did not mention that you had a particular spiritual practice. Once this question is resolved, then you will know and then you will need to put your resources (will power and practices) to reach this aim. Many are celibate for “health reasons,” or because there is no other choice. If your celibacy is for spiritual reasons, you will have the help from life to reach what your capacity is.
When you mention about a “healthy sexual activity,” it gives me the impression that you cannot be “engaged in a healthy celibate activity.” 🙂 It appears to me that you already have a disposition in your mind. Be aware of it.
There are many things to change in your life style to be able to tune yourself in for a celibate life style. Just a desire to stop sexual practices will not do it, and the unconscious will play games with you until your “decision” is broken. then, you will think that it is “normal” or “healthy” to do what “everyone else” is doing.
Thus, make a conscious decision on your path and find the ways to reach that goal after that. As long as you goal is spiritual, at this time; you will see how the “impossible becomes possible.”